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All I want for Lent is to give up.

February 18th, 2015 · No Comments

It is that time of the year again. No, not where I start up this site again, I don’t have the time for that. This was ghost written in 2011 and set to post today. But the other time of year. Lent. Also known as AnotherreligiousthingthatIdontcareaboutbutIhatetomissapartysoIwanttotakepart or on twitter it is known as #attentionseeking but that is something altogether different.

Anyway. Yeah, Lent. Stupid name. Stupid idea. If you want to give something up you like then you are an idiot. You like it…SO DO IT. I don’t like being repeatedly kicked in the balls. Should this happen, I will attempt to stop it. Just the crazy way I work. But why on earth would we give up something we like, unless it is class A drugs and destroying our lives? “Chocolate…yes I will give up chocolate for howeverlonglentgoesonfor”. Man up! Anyone can do that. But why would you want to? Chocolate is good. Stop eating chocolate and you will lose weight. Lose weight and you will no longer fit in your clothes.

See what happened there? Religion kicked you in the teeth. Cost you money to buy new clothes. What god would want that?

So give up something bad. Personally, I am giving up work. I don’t like it (work). I don’t want it (work, kick in the balls, lava on the nipples). I don’t need it (I do…I will go find another work thing). So I am going to do it. Because apparently god wants me to. Why? Because his son is cross and will come back if I do it. It so says the Wikipedia page. Or at least my take on an insanely boring wikipedia page where they used words which had an overtly sexual undertone to discuss Lent. Words like:

Period of six weeks – I won’t lie, I am leaving the house for quite some time during this.

Pious customs – does it come with cream?

Self denial – She wont sleep with me because I am too good for her.

The station of the cross – I assume this happens during the period of six weeks.

Traditional abstention from the consumption of meat – So you are married then.

Baptism – Staring at…well, you know.

Stabat Mater – If you are desperate, don’t use a black sock.

Endured temptation by the devil – Thursday night down the Lamb and Flag then.

I could go on, but you get the idea. I never knew Western Christianity was so full of perverts. Well, not without reading the news anyway.

I have no idea where I was going with this post. Oh yeah…

So yes. Don’t give up something you like. That isn’t showing willing to your god. That is pulling your trousers down and him deciding if to clap or point and laugh and upload a photo to his Facebook account. Yes I know. I used a capital F for Facebook and a capital W for Wikipedia but lowercase g for god. What does that tell you? Absolutely nothing. You should know how shallow I am. Hell, I could upload a drawing I made of my favourite deity but then might get death threats…nobody likes the devil afterall.

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Man left alone in Ikea pulls through – Emotional scars remain

June 10th, 2014 · 1 Comment

Men should not go shopping alone. This is a well documented fact.

The result of when my girlfriend goes shopping:

“I have bought fruit and vegetables and got you this bit of chocolate. I got you a bottle of beer. I also have bought meat, pasta, potatoes and enough food to make lunch and dinner for the next week or so. Cant believe I spent £80 on that lot though!”

The result of when I go shopping:

“I am back! I did it! I did it all on my own! Spent a damn FORTUNE there. Honestly, groceries are sooooo
expensive.”

“Ooohh!! What did you get?”

“This lot!”

“So you got a crate of beer, more packs of crisps than can feed an army…do you need a chocolate bar THAT
big…wait, THREE bars of chocolate THAT big? And what is this?”

“For me.”

“But what is it?”

“I am not completely sure, but they had an ad for it in store and it looks awesome. It has flashing lights and stuff!”

“So what are we having for dinner being that you only have junk food?”

“Do you fancy a takeaway?”

And this is why men should not food shop.

The same comes from a man joining a woman during a shop.  “Put that back.  And that.  And that.  Look, stop
picking things up, we don’t need them” and this is only in the magazine aisle as we walked in.  It isn’t sexist for a man to expect the woman to do the food shopping alone…it is healthier for everyone involved.  Certainly in my case anyway.  I am sure there is some metrosexual man out there who is awesome at it.  Get involved son.  Until then, I will live with doing the shopping in a way that I know how to do it.  I dont even understand what the aisle which looks like a garden is for.  “Fruit and Vegetables”???  Stupid name for a garden.  Eden.  THAT is a good name for a garden.

But this is just the tip of the iceberg.  A few nights ago I was left.  Abandoned if you will.  I was given my strict orders…be at the IKEA car park at 9pm.

I did it.  I got there at 9pm.

Then I got the most disturbing text I have ever received.  It read:

“Ugh, running late.  Can you go in, check out the wardrobes, when I get there just show me the ones we can look at getting”.

Wait…WHAT?  She wants me to go in to Ikea…ALONE?  I started to get nervous sweats.  I sat in the car another 10 minutes.  Hoping she would arrive.  She didn’t arrive.  Another text appeared “Sat nav is playing up…how is it looking?”

Oh god…I am actually going to have to do this.

I walked in.  I followed the arrows.  I didn’t really know what was going on.  Then I got to the wardrobes section. And I sort of hung around looking.

It was about this time I realised that people were starting to look at me. Then I heard the little mutterings as staff members started to hang around the area I was in.  Watching me.  Watching my movements.

“Do you think he is alone?  I can’t see his female adult with him.  Should we check on him?  I will go and ask”

“Hi, are you OK?”

“yes.  I am looking at wardrobes”

“OK.  Well, we are just over here if you need us.”

And then they stood hovering in the general area again.  I continued to look confused at the many wardrobes.  What if I chose the wrong one.  She knew what one we needed.  WHY WASN’T SHE HERE?

And then they started saying “Store closes in 15 minutes”.  I started to check my phone for messages.  Worried that if I bought the wrong one she may withhold carnal activity for an unset period of time due to a wardrobe she doesn’t like.

By this time the staff seemed very concerned.  There was a lone man in Ikea without his adult.  Not moving from the area.

And then she arrived.  Flustered from the journey and looking panicked.  She arrived and hugged me.  I was safe. I could hand over the baton to her. I could go back to walking 2 paces behind replying “Yes” to everything she said and following the orders that come with shopping.

The staff watching the emotional reunion of man left in Ikea alone and safety adult returning to save him seemed happy and went off in their own separate ways happy in the knowledge I was now safe again.

I still wake up in a cold sweat from dreaming about that night.  Please…I beg of you…never put your man through what she put me through.

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