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Man left alone in Ikea pulls through – Emotional scars remain

June 10th, 2014 · 1 Comment

Men should not go shopping alone. This is a well documented fact.

The result of when my girlfriend goes shopping:

“I have bought fruit and vegetables and got you this bit of chocolate. I got you a bottle of beer. I also have bought meat, pasta, potatoes and enough food to make lunch and dinner for the next week or so. Cant believe I spent £80 on that lot though!”

The result of when I go shopping:

“I am back! I did it! I did it all on my own! Spent a damn FORTUNE there. Honestly, groceries are sooooo
expensive.”

“Ooohh!! What did you get?”

“This lot!”

“So you got a crate of beer, more packs of crisps than can feed an army…do you need a chocolate bar THAT
big…wait, THREE bars of chocolate THAT big? And what is this?”

“For me.”

“But what is it?”

“I am not completely sure, but they had an ad for it in store and it looks awesome. It has flashing lights and stuff!”

“So what are we having for dinner being that you only have junk food?”

“Do you fancy a takeaway?”

And this is why men should not food shop.

The same comes from a man joining a woman during a shop.  “Put that back.  And that.  And that.  Look, stop
picking things up, we don’t need them” and this is only in the magazine aisle as we walked in.  It isn’t sexist for a man to expect the woman to do the food shopping alone…it is healthier for everyone involved.  Certainly in my case anyway.  I am sure there is some metrosexual man out there who is awesome at it.  Get involved son.  Until then, I will live with doing the shopping in a way that I know how to do it.  I dont even understand what the aisle which looks like a garden is for.  “Fruit and Vegetables”???  Stupid name for a garden.  Eden.  THAT is a good name for a garden.

But this is just the tip of the iceberg.  A few nights ago I was left.  Abandoned if you will.  I was given my strict orders…be at the IKEA car park at 9pm.

I did it.  I got there at 9pm.

Then I got the most disturbing text I have ever received.  It read:

“Ugh, running late.  Can you go in, check out the wardrobes, when I get there just show me the ones we can look at getting”.

Wait…WHAT?  She wants me to go in to Ikea…ALONE?  I started to get nervous sweats.  I sat in the car another 10 minutes.  Hoping she would arrive.  She didn’t arrive.  Another text appeared “Sat nav is playing up…how is it looking?”

Oh god…I am actually going to have to do this.

I walked in.  I followed the arrows.  I didn’t really know what was going on.  Then I got to the wardrobes section. And I sort of hung around looking.

It was about this time I realised that people were starting to look at me. Then I heard the little mutterings as staff members started to hang around the area I was in.  Watching me.  Watching my movements.

“Do you think he is alone?  I can’t see his female adult with him.  Should we check on him?  I will go and ask”

“Hi, are you OK?”

“yes.  I am looking at wardrobes”

“OK.  Well, we are just over here if you need us.”

And then they stood hovering in the general area again.  I continued to look confused at the many wardrobes.  What if I chose the wrong one.  She knew what one we needed.  WHY WASN’T SHE HERE?

And then they started saying “Store closes in 15 minutes”.  I started to check my phone for messages.  Worried that if I bought the wrong one she may withhold carnal activity for an unset period of time due to a wardrobe she doesn’t like.

By this time the staff seemed very concerned.  There was a lone man in Ikea without his adult.  Not moving from the area.

And then she arrived.  Flustered from the journey and looking panicked.  She arrived and hugged me.  I was safe. I could hand over the baton to her. I could go back to walking 2 paces behind replying “Yes” to everything she said and following the orders that come with shopping.

The staff watching the emotional reunion of man left in Ikea alone and safety adult returning to save him seemed happy and went off in their own separate ways happy in the knowledge I was now safe again.

I still wake up in a cold sweat from dreaming about that night.  Please…I beg of you…never put your man through what she put me through.

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Sometimes being in love can be total sh*t.

May 31st, 2014 · 1 Comment

Society has a habit of ruining it for those who like to do things a little differently. Those who dont conform the same way as we feel they should.  Those who have a hobby that people deem “a little out there”.

For instance, people dont get why I want to run up hills or get covered in mud or wade across lakes.  They look at me a little strangely.

But for others, society on the whole tells them they are strange.

Lets look at one such case that I read about recently.  By recently, I mean about 10 minutes ago.  I dont know why I thought that the time frame was important.  Aaanyway.  Have a quick read of this:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-27643702 and then come back.

Are you back?

Did you even click on it?

Wait, you aren’t one of those whose parents told them to never talk to strangers, dont lick yellow slow and never click a link on some pony website where you dont know the person who writes it are you?  In case you didn’t…

A man with a cow slurry fetish has been jailed for five years after threatening to kill a family who tried to stop him targeting their farm.

<name removed to protect the guy…so ignore the name David Truscott>,<age changed to protect him also.  I will give a really difficult hint and if you get it I guess you deserve to know.  He is between 43 and 45>, repeatedly rolled around naked in cow slurry and developed an obsession with a farm in Redruth, Cornwall.

Exeter Crown Court heard that Truscott, formerly of Camborne, Cornwall, targeted the property for eight years.

The court heard that he initially removed cow pats from the farm but his behaviour escalated, with Truscott regularly entering the farm to perform a sex act in slurry.

See?  I told you that you would be judgemental.  For 8 years he was in a loving relationship with someone on the farm.  I bet you all judged him for wanting to be happy didn’t you.  Are you now ashamed?  Don’t you all want to feel love in some…wait….he was getting it on with poo?  Cow poo?  And when they say perform a sex act in slurry…slurry isn’t a name of a town is it.  He is…WHY??!!?!

I mean, I have had some weird fetishes in my time.  I once asked a girl to wrap herself up in clingfilm as a birthday present for me.  Or as a previous relationship broke down, I considered telling my then girlfriend that maybe we could try spicing it up a little and she could put a bag over her head and tying it tightly.

But you know…I knew it was wrong to ask her to do that because I just didn’t have enough clingfilm in the house.

 

 

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