I have read two news stories tonight. One was about a cow misbehaving, and the other a bull misbehaving. To look at the stories HERE and HERE, you will see they seem very unrelated incidents in two different countries over a period of time longer then 18 seconds apart.
Or are they?
I uncovered evidence that these two random acts are indeed not random acts, and that the bovine population of the world have plans to wage a war on us. I have spent many hours at my own personal risk to bring you my story. Heed my warnings. I know the following may be a little “Animal Farm” in it’s seemingly Orwellian totalitarianism, but read no fiction below this point.
During my investigation in to this beef insurgency, I discovered detailed plans, DVD’s and books hidden in a field near Beef HQ. The Beef Heirachy did experiments on homeless cows to build a master race of cow soldiers, but they all turned mad. But then they realised they could take over the world by making sure that the humans ate the meat, thus killing them, or at least making them start saying “MOO” instead of talking. The book, “The Batti Guide” (Bovine Attrition Tactics Through Insurgency) also described plans to water down the milk sold to shops and to make huge profits on it to help wage their domination efforts.
I have also watched the head of the cow and bull sects having secret meetings with the sheep contingent. It is my thoughts that the sheep are the foot soldiers as it would seem unlikely that they have the brainpower to carry through the details of plans I have read and seen put in to action.
During my time investigating, my family had noticed fields of cows which were not in those fields the day before. As if they are watching us.
It all came to a head on Tuesday when there was a knock at my door. Upon opening it, I came face to face with a group of cows in balaclava’s. Although polite in there conversation to start with, it was obvious they were not accepting me watching them any longer. It appears that they knew all along that I was watching, but what I had not realised is that I had stumbled on to something bigger. Something more then I thought was a plan of the Bulls and Cows taking the world.
What I had seen was only the tip of the iceberg. The battle I had seen was actually the start of something a LOT bigger. The animals had been double crossed by the Fruitarians. Yes, Fruit Loop had regrouped and the story he told to the police was indeed real. The fruits were aliens. Fruit Loop had joined forces to create an intergalactic army to fight the humans. The fruits on earth were devoid of any arms or legs. (it is thought that the ozone, being the danger it is, causes their arms and legs to change shape, which is why fruits are generally on trees. They were being held together in one place while the war back home continued.) Therefore it was decided that they needed an army. Fruit Loop had called on the bovine armies of the UK. But he had double-crossed them, and the Bovines are taking the fight to them.
More as I get it. Be well my friends, I hope the battle will not last long. I have been invited to the frontline by the Bovine Forces, and further updates will come from the front line.
19 responses so far ↓
1 Tamera
// Mar 31, 2008 at 3:26 am
Run for the hills everyone!! Who will lead the home-front movement? Who will protect us? I don’t even drink milk! I haven’t even eaten beef this week. Why would they want to ruin us?
2 Jim - Just a Guy
// Mar 31, 2008 at 6:13 am
The cattle are coming! The cattle are coming!
The sheep are in on it too. That’s baa aaad.
This could be soon be the end of the world as we know it. But what new age could be nborn from this?
I guess I am going to have to read part 2.
3 Sy
// Mar 31, 2008 at 8:34 am
Damn. Writing stories while watching films is just not a good idea. That was really not that fluid! And as I changed the direction of the story near the end, I needed to rewrite the top part and didn’t.
Well, I was going to write part 2 today, but I have got to work and there is a LOT of problems, so I don’t see me having my usual slackness going on and so you might have to wait until August before I write part 2.
I would answer the comments above, but I have no idea where I am taking this story! Soooo…erm…RUN TO THE HILLS! THEY ARE COMING!
4 Anca
// Mar 31, 2008 at 10:15 am
Sy, did you eat any beef today? I am scared to. I don’t eat fruits anymore either. I really liked oranges. Why did they have to be aliens? Well, chicken and vegetables will have to do.
5 Sy
// Mar 31, 2008 at 10:36 am
I had lamb yesterday. I have yet to uncover any experiments on Lambs, but obviously, they are the foot soldiers in this little rouse. I am heading to the front line later today for the Animal-Fruit war. It is going to be messy….
And be careful of the vegetables. Ever noticed how they look at you? I wouldnt be so sure that this is not some big conspiracy.
6 Tamera
// Mar 31, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Aaaaaaaaugust?
How did we get on the topic of lamb?
7 Onedia
// Mar 31, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Sy, perhaps madcow is a plot by militant vegetarians to wreak havoc on the carnivore humans or perhaps by the chicken growers of the world to force us to eat chicken instead of beef.
Or perhaps it is . . . hmmm so many possibilities. This conspiracy thing is real isn’t it?
8 Sy
// Mar 31, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Yeah, I have soooo much on, and I have to update Bambino’s site at some point, so I may abandon this blog until then.
Lamb…mmmm…. Well, there is always room for lamb! *salivating*
9 Sy
// Mar 31, 2008 at 3:00 pm
I am telling you Onedia…it is real. I saw it with my own two non-alcoholically inhebriated eyes! It is an all out war, and I would not be surprised if another meat or vegetable faction is playing both sides. My intelligence (what there is of it) points to a very big conspiracy.
10 Rose
// Mar 31, 2008 at 5:14 pm
You are very Brave Sy. Just be careful ok? By the way are you attending the camel beauty pageant?
11 Jim - Just a Guy
// Mar 31, 2008 at 8:04 pm
So I was thinking about the sheep and remembered I had come across this site. I actually want to see this movie. After all I am The Movie Whore.
http://blacksheepthemovie.com/
12 Sy
// Mar 31, 2008 at 11:48 pm
@Rose – I am going to be as careful as I can. I just hope there is no friendly fire or anything. I am sure I will be OK. They seem pretty jacked up and will look after me though… I read about that! How messed up is that! I was thinking of a post to write about it, but I was enjoying the pictures too much. Once I can concentrate a little more, I might see about getting that written!!
@Jim – you were thinking about sheep? Sheep and Sharks. You are a weird dude my friend! That looks like a pretty amusing film! I shall have to make a point of pointing my eyes in it’s general direction at some point!!
13 Mikiye Creations
// Apr 1, 2008 at 4:18 am
Good Grief!
..and just when I was about to attempt a Raw food diet!
…yeah as I just chomped down a whole chicken in a few days!
…what the heck am I suppose to eat?!
…kibble.
Maybe I’ll have to move to the ocean and spear fish.
14 Jim - Just a Guy
// Apr 1, 2008 at 5:09 am
Sy weird does not even begin to cover it. Weird is where it starts.
15 Sy
// Apr 1, 2008 at 8:41 am
@Mikiye – Be careful. It is a real bad place out there at the moment. The last I heard, the chickens are impartial and understand their sacrifice for our needs, but people are changing sides quicker then you can imagine at the moment. It is a crazy war… I suggest kibble sandwiches.
@Jim – Hell, if you dont have weird, what can a man have?! Why take away the goodies and be left with the stuff that makes you wanna throw?
16 Jim - Just a Guy
// Apr 1, 2008 at 10:12 am
Exactly. So when you gonna shoot those questions over for me and the shark. I went back and captured him and have him in a tank in living room. Of course that does not leave much room for anything else. However it is fun to watch my guest as they sit on his tank. They always seem to be nervous and never stay long. I wonder why
17 Sy
// Apr 1, 2008 at 10:27 am
THey just havent got to know you yet! I will get those questions over to ya today! Just have to think of them, and then stop shouting at people on the phone while being Mr Obnoxious trying to get them to do their job! One of those FUN days!
18 Anca
// Apr 1, 2008 at 11:59 am
Sy, I just wanted to let you know that it’s the end of the month, so my contest came to an end. You were the winner (and the only contestant), so you get a one month banner on the sidebar. I already put one up there, but you can send me a different one if you want to.
19 News from the frontline: Let battle commence. // Apr 6, 2008 at 6:12 pm
[...] you know, the fruitarians and the animals are at war. If you don’t know…well, go read THIS post and it will alllllll make sense. This is a report from the frontline. Some of the images [...]
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