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Kenneth: A woolly mammoth’s big adventure.

May 8th, 2008 · No Comments

Ah yes.  It is story time children.  Today’s words were supplied by Mikiye who obviously looked around her apartment and listed what she had laying about.  The words?  Well there is “Arachibutyrophobia” (Google it!), “Geisha” (DONT Google it), “Woolly Mammoth” (Your choice, but kinda obvious) and “Tin Foil” (like she has that in her apartment???  Whatever!).  She also said “West Hollywood Gay(s) for the mix (since I live here with a ton of them)” which means does she have them in the apartment or not?  And how does her boyfriend feel about this?.  Well Mikiye, I live next to some male airline stewards.  And they are gay.  That is not a generalisation, I have listened to their conversations while I have sat in the garden.  They are.  So this post seems a little fitting.  Actually, I am sat in the garden with some man food (beer) and some music on (3 doors down.  You decide.)  They are drinking I don’t know what and the music?  You know…I cant even tell you.  It is horrendous.  And I mean horrendous in a bad way.  The singing along is painful.  Now.  That sounds homophobic, which I am not.  But the music?  Shite.  Painful shite.  Earlier it was “reach of the sky”.  Fitting for their job I guess.

Anyway.  Where was I.  Oh yes.  Story time.  Mikiye, this is for you.  And the rest of the people reading this. 

Kenneth was a big woolly mammoth from the jungle.  But he was not like any woolly mammoth.  He was special.  What was special about him was that he was a reincarnation of Rock Hudson.  Rock (or Bessie as he liked to be known) was a famous Hollywood gay who died of natural causes.  By natural causes, I mean he was a bad bad man and got caught out by using too much lube and not enough protection.  But that is a different story which wont be written about unless I get the words!  But Kenneth decided to stay away from telling people of his past life and stuck with the present.  At present he was the chairman of the Woolly Committee.  The group who decided what was best for the jungle and just what should and should not happen.  On the side, he was also a part of a committee who decided who got eaten next.  It was always the buffalo.  But then, they deserved it.  They had stood against Kenneth because of his needs to move on in the world and leave the jungle. 

The years went by and Kenneth decided that his full potential was elsewhere.  The big city.  HOLLYWOOD!  Back to his roots.  So he packed up a buffalo skin bag and left. 

Arriving in Hollywood, Kenneth realised it was different for a woolly mammoth trying to make his way.  But he took a job in a local bar and hoped for the best.  

One night, while dressed in his work attire, a large fake female body suit with enormous breasts, his chance came. 

“Lady.  I wanna make you famous.  That beard and those hairy armpits, all four of them…and those breasts…well, I can make you a star!” the man said.

“Dude.  I am a goddamn mammoth called Kenneth.  This is a body suit.  I am all hair and no lady” Kenneth replied.

“Oh.  Well, in that case, I might just have the job for you!  How are your foreign language skills?”  the man replied.

“Ah yeah.  I got foreign language skills down.  I can speak koala you know!” Kenneth replied.

They exchanged details and the next day, Kenneth went to see the man.  His name was Doofus Tiddlywink.  His job was to rent out his staff to foreign nationals to show them round the city.

Doofus explained to Kenneth that he would need to lose weight in order to be employed.  But the offer of money was good, so Kenneth decided he would give it a go.  He was told to come back in a week to see how much he could lose in a week.

Kenneth went straight home.  He had heard that wrapping himself in sellaphane wrap could help.  He didn’t have any, so he used tin foil instead.  He sat by a warm fire to help him sweat.  What was that amazing smell?  He was just getting hungrier and hungrier.  Someone was cooking something but he couldn’t work out where it was.  The windows were closed and he was nowhere near the front door. 

He didn’t take long to realise he was cooking himself, and after a little munch on his leg, he stopped.  But he was so hungry, so he decided he had to eat.  But the cupboard was bare.  As was his leg now he had torn off the hair to have a light snack of medium rare mammoth.  He went to the shop but the lack of funds from not working and trying to lose weight meant he could not buy a thing. 

A week later, he went back to see Doofus Tiddlywink.  As he arrived, a young lady stormed out shouting “Doofus…you are such a…..erm….DOOFUS!” and left.  Kenneth walked in and sat down.  Doofus explained that he had a job, but the young lady who just walked out would not deal with the man.  Doofus asked Kenneth if he could sing and dance, to which Kenneth replied that in some places his dance moves are so hot that he is a fire hazard, and that he had a singing voice which was as sweet as that sound you hear first thing in the morning.  And want to shoot.  I am still asleep.  SHUT UP!!!  But nonetheless, to some people it is lovely.  Lets just say that with me, it is lucky guns are illegal in this country.  Doofus went on to explain that the job was for a man who always booked Geisha girls through his company, but no one was available but Kenneth.  Doofus also explained that the client had a few strange quirks.  Kenneth agreed to go along.

It was lucky that Kenneth still had his female body suit, so that night he donned it and met his client, Churny Butterkiss.  Churny and Kenneth had a wonderful night, and as the night neared it’s end, Churny decided to try and take it one step further.

“I want you to do something with me” Churny said.

“Ummm…OK, what is it?” Kenneth replied.

“I want to play the ‘how much peanut butter can you keep in your mouth at once’ competition” Churny said.

And out came a super large tub of Skippy peanut butter.  Kenneth started to sweat.  He had played this game in the jungle with the monkeys, and had been diagnosed with Arachibutyrophobia.  He couldn’t play the game, and continued to sweat even more.  His body suit became soaking, and Churny kept pushing Kenneth to take a big mouthful of peanut butter.  Part of his Arachibutyrophobia was that he would get very angry when being forced to eat the peanut butter. 

Kenneth jumped up, trashed the apartment and walked out. 

Realising he would never be able to work for the agency again, he packed his bags, and went back to the jungle.

The morale of the story?  If you are a man, woman, woolly mammoth or a Hollywood gay, sometimes people just don’t want a mouthful of buttery nuts.

© 2008, Sy. All rights reserved.


Tags: Stories