The Wheel is Turning, but the Hamster is Dead header image 2

Kenneth: A woolly mammoth’s big adventure.

May 8th, 2008 · 10 Comments

Ah yes.  It is story time children.  Today’s words were supplied by Mikiye who obviously looked around her apartment and listed what she had laying about.  The words?  Well there is “Arachibutyrophobia” (Google it!), “Geisha” (DONT Google it), “Woolly Mammoth” (Your choice, but kinda obvious) and “Tin Foil” (like she has that in her apartment???  Whatever!).  She also said ”West Hollywood Gay(s) for the mix (since I live here with a ton of them)” which means does she have them in the apartment or not?  And how does her boyfriend feel about this?.  Well Mikiye, I live next to some male airline stewards.  And they are gay.  That is not a generalisation, I have listened to their conversations while I have sat in the garden.  They are.  So this post seems a little fitting.  Actually, I am sat in the garden with some man food (beer) and some music on (3 doors down.  You decide.)  They are drinking I don’t know what and the music?  You know…I cant even tell you.  It is horrendous.  And I mean horrendous in a bad way.  The singing along is painful.  Now.  That sounds homophobic, which I am not.  But the music?  Shite.  Painful shite.  Earlier it was “reach of the sky”.  Fitting for their job I guess.

Anyway.  Where was I.  Oh yes.  Story time.  Mikiye, this is for you.  And the rest of the people reading this. 

Kenneth was a big woolly mammoth from the jungle.  But he was not like any woolly mammoth.  He was special.  What was special about him was that he was a reincarnation of Rock Hudson.  Rock (or Bessie as he liked to be known) was a famous Hollywood gay who died of natural causes.  By natural causes, I mean he was a bad bad man and got caught out by using too much lube and not enough protection.  But that is a different story which wont be written about unless I get the words!  But Kenneth decided to stay away from telling people of his past life and stuck with the present.  At present he was the chairman of the Woolly Committee.  The group who decided what was best for the jungle and just what should and should not happen.  On the side, he was also a part of a committee who decided who got eaten next.  It was always the buffalo.  But then, they deserved it.  They had stood against Kenneth because of his needs to move on in the world and leave the jungle. 

The years went by and Kenneth decided that his full potential was elsewhere.  The big city.  HOLLYWOOD!  Back to his roots.  So he packed up a buffalo skin bag and left. 

Arriving in Hollywood, Kenneth realised it was different for a woolly mammoth trying to make his way.  But he took a job in a local bar and hoped for the best.  

One night, while dressed in his work attire, a large fake female body suit with enormous breasts, his chance came. 

“Lady.  I wanna make you famous.  That beard and those hairy armpits, all four of them…and those breasts…well, I can make you a star!” the man said.

“Dude.  I am a goddamn mammoth called Kenneth.  This is a body suit.  I am all hair and no lady” Kenneth replied.

“Oh.  Well, in that case, I might just have the job for you!  How are your foreign language skills?”  the man replied.

“Ah yeah.  I got foreign language skills down.  I can speak koala you know!” Kenneth replied.

They exchanged details and the next day, Kenneth went to see the man.  His name was Doofus Tiddlywink.  His job was to rent out his staff to foreign nationals to show them round the city.

Doofus explained to Kenneth that he would need to lose weight in order to be employed.  But the offer of money was good, so Kenneth decided he would give it a go.  He was told to come back in a week to see how much he could lose in a week.

Kenneth went straight home.  He had heard that wrapping himself in sellaphane wrap could help.  He didn’t have any, so he used tin foil instead.  He sat by a warm fire to help him sweat.  What was that amazing smell?  He was just getting hungrier and hungrier.  Someone was cooking something but he couldn’t work out where it was.  The windows were closed and he was nowhere near the front door. 

He didn’t take long to realise he was cooking himself, and after a little munch on his leg, he stopped.  But he was so hungry, so he decided he had to eat.  But the cupboard was bare.  As was his leg now he had torn off the hair to have a light snack of medium rare mammoth.  He went to the shop but the lack of funds from not working and trying to lose weight meant he could not buy a thing. 

A week later, he went back to see Doofus Tiddlywink.  As he arrived, a young lady stormed out shouting “Doofus…you are such a…..erm….DOOFUS!” and left.  Kenneth walked in and sat down.  Doofus explained that he had a job, but the young lady who just walked out would not deal with the man.  Doofus asked Kenneth if he could sing and dance, to which Kenneth replied that in some places his dance moves are so hot that he is a fire hazard, and that he had a singing voice which was as sweet as that sound you hear first thing in the morning.  And want to shoot.  I am still asleep.  SHUT UP!!!  But nonetheless, to some people it is lovely.  Lets just say that with me, it is lucky guns are illegal in this country.  Doofus went on to explain that the job was for a man who always booked Geisha girls through his company, but no one was available but Kenneth.  Doofus also explained that the client had a few strange quirks.  Kenneth agreed to go along.

It was lucky that Kenneth still had his female body suit, so that night he donned it and met his client, Churny Butterkiss.  Churny and Kenneth had a wonderful night, and as the night neared it’s end, Churny decided to try and take it one step further.

“I want you to do something with me” Churny said.

“Ummm…OK, what is it?” Kenneth replied.

“I want to play the ‘how much peanut butter can you keep in your mouth at once’ competition” Churny said.

And out came a super large tub of Skippy peanut butter.  Kenneth started to sweat.  He had played this game in the jungle with the monkeys, and had been diagnosed with Arachibutyrophobia.  He couldn’t play the game, and continued to sweat even more.  His body suit became soaking, and Churny kept pushing Kenneth to take a big mouthful of peanut butter.  Part of his Arachibutyrophobia was that he would get very angry when being forced to eat the peanut butter. 

Kenneth jumped up, trashed the apartment and walked out. 

Realising he would never be able to work for the agency again, he packed his bags, and went back to the jungle.

The morale of the story?  If you are a man, woman, woolly mammoth or a Hollywood gay, sometimes people just don’t want a mouthful of buttery nuts.

© 2008, Sy. All rights reserved.

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10 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Mikiye CreationsNo Gravatar // May 9, 2008 at 12:24 am

    I have FINALLY MADE IT in to the HALL OF FAME for The Wheel Is Turning but the Hamster Is Dead!

    *Tickled Pink*
    and
    *giggling*

    WoW!
    Such a STORY!
    I was LITERALLY CRACKING UP OUT LOUD!!!!
    So CLEAVER you are!!!! I was wondering how you could possibly get all these into ONE story!
    …I KNEW you would!!!!!
    …AND I KNEW I would be laughing my ass off!
    …I’m giggling to myself just thinking about it!
    No, really, I am!
    *giggling*

    …you are too funny…geisha, hairy armpits…fat suit….HOWEVER, that was really gross about the cooking himself and eating his leg…and the part about “played this game in the jungle with the monkeys” Brilliant!
    LOL!!!!!

    Oh, I have to blog about this and get people over to check this out!
    LOL!!!!

  • 2 SyNo Gravatar // May 9, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    I am glad you liked it! T’was a giggle to write as always!

  • 3 Mikiye CreationsNo Gravatar // May 9, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    By the way…I thought for sure you were going to say they were playing Barbara, Judy Garland OR Cher! LOL!!!

    …AND, How could I NOT use the word TIN FOIL?!!! I mean, it’s plastered ALL OVER MY WINDOWS…I mean sheesh…?!

    Oh, and the GAYS…living in the area where I do…you’d have to Go to the Castro in San Francisco to get any more gays in such a small area at once..again, outside a CHER, MADONNA or BARBARA concert!
    And NO, they aren’t all crammed in to my SMALL apartment…although I DO live 2 steps away from a male prostitute across from me. Trust me, no joking matter…I’ve complained but the Landlord doesn’t care.

  • 4 The Movie WhoreNo Gravatar // May 9, 2008 at 7:17 pm

    You there really are days I feel sane compared to you. This is one of them.

  • 5 SyNo Gravatar // May 10, 2008 at 3:37 pm

    @Jim – Ah come on. This one was almost sensible compared to hitler milking himself! And I have read enough of your posts to know it is touch and go with the sanity!

    @Mikiye – So tell me. Why did you choose to live there? And a male prostitute? Is he servicing the male or the female of the species? You live in an very interesting area! I can picture the tin foil on the windows already! mmmm…shiny.

  • 6 Mikiye CreationsNo Gravatar // May 10, 2008 at 6:43 pm

    Working in the beauty business 17+ years…I can’t get away from the Gays. LOL! I used to live with some friends down the street from where I currently live. It’s central and relatively close to a lot of things and NOT TOO ghetto compared to A LOT of areas here in L.A. (grant you I’m pretty sheltered so many people would say this area is pretty nice…and some would say, “Uh, you got a LOT of crazy homeless in this area.” Then again, we have a medical marijuana place on the next block…I don’t partake in that “medicine” and it sure smells FUNKY if you walk by the joint!

    Oh, and the male prostitute…I hear him bringing guys up the stairs ALL THE TIME. It use to be worse…10:00-3:00 a.m. But after I complained…it’s during the day and generally not too late at night. He’s a FREAK. We thought he was Bi-polar or on drugs…Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. So, I basically avoid him entirely and wait if he’s coming or going so I don’t have to interact with him. We took him to court for his crazy outbursts and threats…but it got thrown out as basic neighbor conflict. He slams the lower gate and his door…seriously, my Mom said maybe he has a disorder that makes him SLAM doors to make sure they are shut. It’s ridiculous…I’m NOT exaggerating. Since I work from home it’s annoying and REALLY LOUD! This is a 1920′s building…and imagine barely ANY maintenance SINCE (and my place looks like it). So, no insulation and you can hear EVERYTHING through the walls…I keep my bathroom door shut…I don’t need to hear him working. I think I’d GROSS OUT completely! My BF said he was on the pot and it WAS NOT PLEASANT hearing that and try to…well, you know. Blech…
    I can’t wait to not have to live here anymore actually. More because of my neighbor.
    Well, that and it would mean I have income enough to get a better place to live!!!!

    ..oh, the windows…YOU should see what I can do with a BEDAZZLER!!!!!!

  • 7 RoseNo Gravatar // May 11, 2008 at 11:25 pm

    Thanks for the laughs Sy. One can always count on you.

  • 8 Jane TurleyNo Gravatar // May 12, 2008 at 10:44 am

    Blimey,Mikiye I thought my neighbours had a bad time living next to me but boy your neighbourhood is really colourful!

    Sy.. you are nuts! Although I agree think the Hitler one was crazier…..

    Hey you got a three floor house Sy? I reckon you could launch some serious paper planes of fthe top of that…maybe some absailing too.. lordy, lord bet you have grrreat parties…..

  • 9 SyNo Gravatar // May 12, 2008 at 10:54 am

    @Mikiye – Holy crap! Do you think it is time to move from crazytown? That guy sounds nuttier then squirrel shit! I have a shared house next to me. For the most part we just dont speak but there is one guy…well, him and your neighbour need to meet.

    @Rose – Always a pleasure, never a chore!

    @Jane – Nuts? I call this sanity. It is the rest of you that arent all there. And nope, only a 2 floor house unfortunately. And no parties or anything like that. If it wasnt for the fact that we are married and she is somewhat preggers, me and wifey are practically Monks and Nuns. Honest….

  • 10 QelqothNo Gravatar // May 12, 2008 at 11:45 pm

    This was totally fucking awesome.

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