Before I do this post, I would like to draw your attention to something my wife said last night. “I haven’t tossed, so go in from the bottom”. So many connotations. Luckily in this instance she was talking salads.
***Warning: This post is not suitable for anyone who isn’t getting “any” at the moment. It should also not be viewed by those of a jealous nature. And if you live in Antarctica….you lucky lucky lucky….ugh.***
I need a new job. Don’t get me wrong, I get satisfaction from my job. Seeing that smiling user as they realise the PC or server is now working and they can do their job brings much happiness to my face. When they have a face like thunder and bitch and moan incessantly…well, yeah, screw off.
But there has to be a job with more satisfaction. So I am going to try out a few and see how I get on.
My first is bed tester. What is not to like? A big comfy bed to sleep in as part of your job? That sounds like heaven to me. I like sleep. I like beds. Getting paid to sleep is a dream of mine.
My second is alcoholic beverage taster. Unless you are of the “I dont touch a drop” disposition, this is the ideal job. Actually, if you are indeed of the not drinking type, you can also come along. Someone needs to get me home after a hard days testing after all. At that point you can point me towards my first job, and I can test that bed.
My third job. Ohhh I HAVE to get this job. It is to be a scientist in Antarctica. No really. They just had a shipment of 16500 condoms delivered to tie them over until daylight returns. Sadly, day light does not return for the 125 strong staff until August 20th when the first sunrise occurs. Hang on. Today is the 11th June. So that is…take away the 4, times by the 22, count every appendage, wash my hands….ummm…about 77 days away. I am assuming there is a fair balance here, so say 62 men, 62 women and 1 very confused person at the station. So I work out that each man uses 3 condoms a day. THREE! EVERY SINGLE DAY! for 77 DAYS! What the hell are they doing “scientifically” up there? And when can I join? Oh, and they are free of charge to save the “embarrassment” of having to buy them! The amount of men is of course a conservative guess. There could be even less men, but the thought of that is giving me palpitations. Talk about a lot of fish in the sea!
According to the news story, they are “involved in scientific programmes and experiments in fields including marine biology, geology and meteorology.” Oh of course they are. It is a damn orgy. That is what it is. Damn them and their perpetual smiles.
So I am thinking. I can combine the whole lot here. I mean, for most youths on a Saturday night in England, this is exactly what they do, but they don’t get paid for it. They go out, get drunk, find a drunken girl who is drunk enough to not care for his spotty complexion and voice like Michael Jackson on helium, and get her in to bed. Then the next morning, they smell like something that has a distinct odour of a marine biology experiment and realise that she is seeing what he looks like and is whipping up a storm.
What would your ideal job be? You cant have my three. I got there first.
© 2008, Sy. All rights reserved.
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12 responses so far ↓
1 Social Tyrant
// Jun 12, 2008 at 2:49 am
Professional Opinion Giver! That’s a profession right? If it’s not, it -should- be!!
2 Kelly
// Jun 12, 2008 at 5:56 am
Gigolo For Limbless Female
Because, after all, arms and legs just get in the way.
He he heh. If ya knows whats I means.
3 The Movie Whore
// Jun 12, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Though I am not making any money at it yet, I have found my ideal job. Being The Movie Whore is actually quite rewarding and feeds my love of film in a way I never thought I could do. Now if I could just start generating some cash things would be a lot better.
4 Sy
// Jun 12, 2008 at 10:15 pm
So can I call you a POG from now on Social Tyrant? Or can we just use Poggy to make it more friendly?
Kelly…how would they pay you if they cant get their purse out? You may want to get a little money up front. Or I guess you could help yourself?
Yeah I hear ya Jim. It would be nice to get some cash from it, but all good things! And talking of the site, I have a post in my head I am gonna write up either tonight or tomorrow!
5 Rose
// Jun 12, 2008 at 10:50 pm
I see you have been doing your Math.
My ideal job would be working for Google. LOL
6 Sy
// Jun 12, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Yeah I had to count a couple of my hands twice, but I got there. Kind of.
Working for Google could be fun. They have an office in London, so I should apply for a job. It will be for office cleaner rather then my usual IT stuff as that is the only way I could get in!
7 Mikiye Creations
// Jun 13, 2008 at 12:31 am
Gee, I have been thinking about this since you posted it…first I thought how fun to be one of those food writers that travel and get to taste all sorts of delicious things…then I thought…traveling…having to WRITE about it….wondering if I am getting FAT from eating all this food….what if I get stuck having to eat something FUNKY…no gross weird foods for me.
Then I thought my girlfriend is Oprah’s makeup artist and they were off to the wine country last weekend…she travels with her ALL OVER and has a great time…BUT
well, SHE has that job!
LOL
So…I became a certified massage therapist…(not currently practicing at this time) but I didn’t want to work for another company/spa and get paid kinda crappy until I was there for a while…try $25.00 a massage for a $150-180 that the popular place here charges customers for a basic Swedish…
Plus, it’s about body mechanics…and I’m already falling apart…I really need to be the one on the table…
So, I guess I will keep on with my Accessory designing. My tax lady will scoff at my earnings but I really only started serious this last year! OK. Just because she told me I LOST money…I am NOT thinking about that!
BTW, I have a cousin that works for Google. She says that to keep employees happy,productive and in the building they offer a full kitchen and vending machines with drinks and snacks ALL FREE!!!
What a concept!
She also said its good food too…not the stuff we were force fed in elementary school cafeterias.
8 Mikiye Creations
// Jun 13, 2008 at 12:34 am
OH!
… could I just have Paris Hilton’s “job” and money.
Cha ching!
Thank you…now drive through please….
9 menopausaloldbag (MOB)
// Jun 13, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I have decided that my ideal job is that of a Golddigger. I regularly buy ‘Goldiggers Weekly’ with a view to finding some thick as shite deperate old geezer who is easily fooled into thinking that his wrinkly old face, arse and droopy knob and balls are real minge magnets!
Roll on my first million…….Bugger! Paul McCartney, Fartney Rartney has been snapped up. I’ll have to take a sneak peak around the care homes in this area – see what I can come up with.
10 Michael Tragic
// Jun 13, 2008 at 8:45 pm
I want to be that guy that rubs ice cubes on the naked models to make the nipples hard?
11 nogbad
// Jun 14, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Struggling to get past “I haven’t tossed………….”.
I may be back for the rest of the post
12 Sy
// Jun 15, 2008 at 10:45 pm
@Mikiye – Ooohhh yeah. Food writer wandering the world would be awesome! I could seriously do that! And your friend is Oprah’s makeup thingie? Weird! Ever been tempted to go to a show? As for the Paris Hilton bit, you understand that her dodgy diseases come with the money right? I have some cream…drop me a line and I will send you it.
@MOB – Gordon Brown. He is a worthless imbecil who controls our money. He rips us off at every occassion so has plenty of it…go get him! And when you get there, beat hm on the head with a fucken big bat for me!
@Michael – Interesting. Wouldnt you worry your hands would get cold? Would using your mouth maybe make it easier?? Just a thought.
@NOB – I couldnt get past that line. When she said it, I practically tented.
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