I have read tonight about two individuals that were admitted to hospital with bizarre objects inserted where the sun doesn’t shine. And I don’t mean in my heart where the clouds overpower me every day. God I feel so sad and lonely. Now, where was I… ohhh yeah…
Now I know this is nothing new, and has happened many times around the world and has appeared in many different news stories. Oh, and before you label me a perv, I wasn’t looking for this or for other ways of removing large objects from those places either…you know…before you start a hate campaign in the comments section. Actually, I was looking at new ways of cooking potatoes, yes, that’s it…new ways of cooking potatoes…and managed to read about a vicar who “slipped and fell” on a potato and it inserted itself in to his behind.
Yeah sure it did Mr Vicar. His actual explanation, which in no way sounds like he may be making it up was:
The clergyman told stunned casualty nurses he fell backwards on to his kitchen table while hanging curtains.
Hmmm. Where is your God now Mr Vicar? He fell backwards on to his kitchen table eh? To a table which contained an open pot of KY jelly and some inviting potatoes and obviously a slip and slide mat. And at no point did he think of clenching? And why on earth was he hanging his curtains while nude? The last time I did that, I ended up in court being sued for scaring my neighbour who was worried that even though it was the middle of summer and very warm, I was doing things with fish bait.
I also read about a Romanian woman who walked (well, when I say walked, I am assuming she limped with a grimace on her face) in to a hospital with a large can of hairspray lodged in a place which wasn’t her ear. Hairspray? What was wrong with a can of WD-40 instead? It’s a smaller can and stops the embarrassing squeaking which girls do and blame on us guys. She also declined to say how it got lodged in there, but I believe she already hung her curtains the week before, so it wasn’t that.
So why do people insist on accidentally falling on a potato and a can of hairspray? Surely inserting something that large in to something that small is comparable to having sex with a rainbow. Yeah, it seems like a good idea, but is there really any gold at the end of it? The answer is a blindingly obvious NO my friends. Unless of course, you sell your story to the newspapers.
I thought long and hard (just like a can of hairspray!) about doing some research here…you know, coz I get told often enough that I talk out of my arse, but I realised that we have no hairspray in the house and only a few potatoes left, which my wife tells me are not for mashing and we are having with dinner tomorrow. So there went my research before it began. Luckily. Because I was starting to sweat just thinking about it.
But for those of you that are thinking of inserting a copy of The Sunday Newspaper and all it’s supplements in there, just remember to have your story sorted first. It is less embarrassing if you have a better reason than “Oh, I slipped and fell while playing scrabble with the family dog. If you can retrieve the dog while you are there…”.
News stories and photos are HERE and HERE. Sadly, the potato one just shows a photo of a potato, and not an x-ray. I would say “enjoy!” but yeah…
© 2009, Sy. All rights reserved.
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14 responses so far ↓
1 Majase Cyc
// Jan 19, 2009 at 6:07 am
OK, so he “slipped” and fell, while naked. I can buy that. But there is no way in Goatse Hell that a potato could just slip into ones ass, no matter how hard you fell on it.
No, that takes ass-yoga and plenty of practice. This reminds me of when I worked in a hospital. The ER staff had a special file CABINET full of X-rays with objects in peoples’ booty.
It blew my mind to see the variety, and size, of some of those things man.
2 Sy
// Jan 19, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I think even the great goatsee would have trouble in getting the potato in there from a falling backwards start!
So do tell! What were the contents of the x-ray in the special cabinet!!
3 NanciElizabeth
// Jan 19, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Obviously the Vicar was Irish and thought there might be another famine. I call that Planning Ahead.
(Growing up there were two men that lived down the street. I remember one night, my physician father being called to the emergency room. When he came home, I could hear him tell mother, “Wonder no more: I just removed a light bulb from ‘”Jim’s”
butt.)
Okay, Si-mon, channel your inner 12-year-old (I know he’s close to the surface) and come on with the jokes already.
[people tell me I have the brain of a 12-year old boy, and I do. It's in a jar on my desk.]
4 Tiggy
// Jan 19, 2009 at 6:45 pm
A vicar with a potato up his arse. You just can’t invent that comedy gold.
Or was it a Yukon Gold?
5 NanciElizabeth
// Jan 19, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Tiggy, no it was a golden ass.
6 JD
// Jan 19, 2009 at 9:14 pm
question: was the vicar wearing a tutu?
7 Majase Cyc
// Jan 19, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Sy:
OK, you asked for it.
I think the most memorable ones were, in no particular order of hilarity for the ER staff:
-A G.I. Joe doll, WITH the toy rifle in his hand.
-A shoe horn that had gone completely in.
-A ‘somewhat’ small flashlight.
-An entire can (I shit you not, hahahaha) of baked beans.
-A HUGE plastic bag of marbles and ball bearings.
8 NanciElizabeth
// Jan 19, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Majase Cyc, You must be a nurse in the UK–in the good ole US of A we use DELICATE, SCARY BREAKABLE STUFF. Ha, When I got older and told my father what I had heard, I asked if it was a “three-way bulb.”
And I still wonder how that motherfucker got to the ER…It was winter, so maybe he laid on his stomach on a sled and his buddy pulled him. I would have been laughing my…yes…ass off.
Oh, and did you know Richard Gere is blacklisted from all pet stores in the country. Don’t let him sneak over there and buy all the sweet little gerbils. NO, SY—he DID Respect the Hamster and was strictly a Gerbil Guy.
9 Flying Saucer jones
// Jan 20, 2009 at 12:18 pm
A friend of mine regaled us with a story of a man who showed up in ER complaining of a pain in the arse. The consulting doc shone some light on the subject — aha sometimes light does shine there albeit not of the sun ray variety — and was greeted by a couple of eyes peeking back. Gerbil apparently.
10 Sy
// Jan 20, 2009 at 11:17 pm
@NanciElizabeth – Why on earth would they use a lightbulb? I mean OK…a potato…yeah OK, stupid. But a lighbulb with it’s breakable glass and sharp slashy edges? I would say the guy had been eating the brain of the 12 year old boy! Oh…and Majase Cyc is from your neck of the woods, and not from good old Blighty! At least, that is where it says so anyway…
@Tiggy – I have to admit that I read the story as I was on the look out for good material and when I saw this, I was looking for the catch. And there wasnt one! A priest, a potato and an emergency room. Magic!
@JD – I dont know about the tutu, but he was sure as hell wearing eu de stupid after shave!
@Majase – Awesome! See, I want to change professions as I am getting bored with IT. I might just become a hanger around emergence rooms type guy and just write about all that stuff! But a can of baked beans? Thats…well…was it Heinz beans? You know, coz those cheaper imitation canss….
@Flying Saucer Jones – Nooooooooo….. And when done, did he take the gerbil home, or were animal cruelty services brought in to look after the little guy…after he had taken a well deserved shower?
11 Mrs T
// Jan 21, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Yep, I can confirm that anyone entering hospital with anything stuck up any orifice will be the subject of ridicule for years to come as I have a friend who is a consultant radiologist who has his own “unique” file….
What I want to know is what happened to good old fashioned stuff like banana and cucumbers?
Oh excuse me, I’ve got the vacuuming to do…
12 Sy
// Jan 22, 2009 at 9:35 am
So come on then. List them please Mrs T! We need to know what kinda weird stuff you know of!
Cucumbers and banana’s eh? And the you alk off to the vacuum nozzle…interesting. I think we know your kink!
13 NanciElizabeth
// Jan 22, 2009 at 3:23 pm
Si-mon,
Hast perhaps thou not heard of the Greate Sporte of Gerbilling?
[Team USA is headed by Part-Time Buddist and Full-Time Ass Hat Richard Gere.]
And now, I fear I am causing thee distress to imagine the Horride Fatee awaiting this Cousin to The Beloved Hamster.
The Wheel is Turning, but the Hamster is not really Dead–he’s playing possum so he won’t be mistaken for a fucking gerbil.
Time to git up an’ git yer drank on, y’all.
Yanqui the Bitch
14 Sy
// Jan 24, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Sadly, I do know of the very sad sport of gerbiling. And if the site gets sued for the Richard Gere part, I will be calling on your services to get me out of it!!!
The poor dead hamster will luckily not be used for this sport though, as I have him stuffed in the hunting position and sits next to my PC monitor!
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