I like Australians. I mean it. Yeah, OK…I hate them for their sporting abilities and how they hurt my good old English boys every chance they can, but apart from that, I always thought they were good people.
Until today when my feelings changed.
They changed when I decided that they are freaking awesome.
In what is possibly the greatest study since I decided to see how much of my cats head I could fit in my mouth in one go, they have released research that claims that alcohol improves a man’s sexual performance in bed.
(And for those who were curious, it was all of the cats head, but I got jaw lock in the process and the cat got away before I could complete my exercise.)
In the study, they worked out that the tee-totallers of the world have more issues in the sack than us alcoholics people who drink a little too much.
The news story printed in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, which I am signing up for just as soon as I have finished this post says:
Weekend drinkers and binge drinkers had lower rates of erectile dysfunction than those who drank one day a week or less, according to the research.
I want to look at this objectively. You know, to give both sides a good chance to prove why they think they are better.
I looked at myself several years ago when I was going through a bit of a dry spell…with both alcohol and women, and then I looked at myself now…a man that drinks more than the amount weekly that the UK government label as “alcoholism”. Of course, that means more than 4 beers a week. I have more than that on a Friday night before I start drinking.
So the younger nervous dude that I was: Too shy to speak to women, and when I did, I generally messed it up…unless THEY were drunk. And then my incoherent rambling actually made sense to them. But then…boy was I ever crap in the sack. “Do something different to me Sy!”they would say. So I did. But because of my naivety, I thought that making them dress up as a Zulu warrior and me entering the room as an English soldier, and then telling them “I will cut your throat and leave you for dead!” was a good thing. Well, it worked for me. Not for them it seemed. I didn’t get the best label I have to say.
But then the drunken me: I would start drinking at dinner, sink too much alcohol and stumble about a lot. Then I would try to get amorous with my wife. Being a drunk sweaty mess who is falling out of bed while trying to get my freak on, my wife would tell me to leave the room and think about what I was doing (which was her teddy bear at one point I think) and come to the realisation that I perform a lot better when I fall unconscious and therefore leave her alone.
So I guess the research is a little flawed, or at least they need to give a little more detail than the news story actually mentions.
© 2009, Sy. All rights reserved.
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10 responses so far ↓
1 Majase Cyc
// Jan 27, 2009 at 3:07 am
Why don’t they mention in the article the effects on libido when shooting up grain alcohol?
I mean every time I spike that shit in a vein I’m stoked enough to pry mortar out of a brick wall with my “tool”.
Once again I’m left without answers, (sigh).
2 Sy
// Jan 27, 2009 at 3:57 am
I tell ya dude…the research was missing some very vital information!
And if I ever need a cheaper way of redecorating my house, I am gonna off you dome alcohol, a syringe and the room I want knocking down! Then I will leave rapidly as hell…I just dont need to see that!
3 Nathan
// Jan 27, 2009 at 10:41 am
Ahh, the Australians, always drinking fosters and coming up with bright ideas. This is similar to the scientists that grew an ear on a mouse… too much time on their hands
4 NanciElizabeth
// Jan 27, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Majase Cyc and Si-mon, Not for nothing iis one end of the hammer called the “peen.”
And can we puh-leeze fer chrissakes change the fucking subject already? I’ll even totally start, y’all. My Boss is A Big Fat Twat.
Yanqui Bitch Troll From Hell
5 Sy
// Jan 27, 2009 at 8:48 pm
@Nathan – It is amazing what they come up with once they start on that amber nectar huh! I am kinda hoping they drink a lot and decide to drop the sporting ability of the rugby and cricket teams though. That would really help England out a hell of a lot!
@Nanci – Change the subject? We only just started on it! There is still a lot of life left in it!! Don’t make my peen get angry with you…
6 NanciElizabeth
// Jan 27, 2009 at 9:03 pm
ANGRY SI-PEEN? Holy fucking shit! Do the twins get ticked off too? Growl much? Send photos! I always thought peens looked like dolfins–always with the smile.
7 Sy
// Jan 27, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Yeeeeah…I wont be splashing photos of the little dude on the net anytime in the next…ohhh…forever. I don’t want people getting jealous that I have so much spare room in my trousers!
8 Tami
// Jan 28, 2009 at 1:43 am
TMI….Too Much Information!!! hahahaha…Ooooh, I will never look at teddy bears in the same way again! *woe is me*
9 Flying Saucer Jones
// Jan 28, 2009 at 11:12 am
I take issue with this study. I’m a teetotaller and I got plenty of… well ok after I got married I get plenty of… fine. Anyone want to join me for my first tipple? Or maybe I should go shopping for teddy bears.
@sy I think the amber fluid has started to flow because our cricketers seem to be staggering around looking a little clueless at the moment.
10 Sy
// Jan 28, 2009 at 5:39 pm
@Tami – Naaaah…Nowhere near enough info! And that teddy bear…well…you know, we probably shouldnt go there on a family site…
@Mr Jones – A teetotaller? Well, rest assured that I am trying my very best to make sure that your share of the good stuff is not going to waste and I am doing my bit! But after a few of the ambers, you will find the teddy shopping is almost compulsory…allegedly.
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