Once in a while, someone says something that makes you glad you aren’t a pygmy in the middle of some very hungry rebels. In my case, I was indeed not a pygmy, although I have enough “extra ballast” sitting around my midriff that would feed a whole army of rebels for a good meal or two. This is because my body was carved by naked maidens in the middle of a jungle. Sadly, they were blind, and were less than skilled in the art of chiseling the perfect body. Instead, they spent 10 minutes chipping a few bits away and then staggered off to the pub to see if they could continue to drink themselves back to sight.
Instead, it was something much more disturbing.
Because I am a generally great guy and want to help my wife with the long nights encountered with a teething child, I have on occasion (I think once in 6 months…not sure, may be less, but the last time I asked my wife, I lost a finger in the ongoing battle) offered my services to help with the nightly spending time with our crying/screaming/sneezing/teething child and getting her back to sleep. This was usually done by inserting a bottle of the good stuff in her mouth and she would have a feed and have a nap.
And then my wife came up with an idea to stop our daughter having as many night feeds as she is having.
“I just put her on my breast for 5 minutes and it soothes her!” my wife told me cheerfully. (I felt loathsome that my daughter gets to play with the promised land and I don’t)
“Are you saying to me that I should attach our baby to my manbreast to help her sleep?” I replied.
She happily replied with “Well it will only be for 5 minutes, and once you get over the initial weird feeling, it is completely natural!”
“OK, let me clarify here. You are saying I should let my daughter suck on my nipple in the name of her going back to sleep??????????” I replied with a confused and worried voice.
“Yeah!” She said. Again, chirpily and starting to really freak me out.
“I think you should do the nightly feeds from now on.” I replied…and went on the look out for something to drown the pain of what I had just heard. Paint stripper was the winner.
Now OK. Am I being weird for not wanting to have my daughter chow down on my manboobs?
Crocodile clips on my joy department…fine. Candle Wax poured by an erotic damsel dressed in nothing more than a roll of clingfilm and a smile all over my toes…ok, if you feel you should, I wont put up a fight.
But my daughter “soothing herself to sleep” on those things that have no use whatsoever on a man? (apart from relocation of said crocodile clips…you know…if you are in to that….) I feel ill.
I want to be “Modern Day Dad” who gets involved for sure…but some things should be left to the woman. Full Stop.
© 2009, Sy. All rights reserved.
on 
15 responses so far ↓
1 Niks
// Feb 9, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Disturbing in so many ways. I agree, leave it to the wifey.
2 House
// Feb 9, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Wow…all I can say is, after laughing uncontrollably these last 5 minutes, is (((morelaughter))) wow.
3 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 9, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Si-mon,
Shawnee is no one’s fool. You stick that thing in her mouth, she’s gonna totally bite that motherfucker off. Plus, think of the time this will add to her psyciatric sessions–she’ll beat Woody Allen’s record. So, no. Just no.
Yanqui throwing up in her wastebasket at the thought
4 Sy
// Feb 9, 2009 at 11:12 pm
@Niks – I am glad you agree! I havent slept well since she brought up the subject, and this cold sweat is starting to worry me!
@House – Welcome! Great to have you over here entering the deranged state of my mind!
@Nanci – Luckily the teeth have not yet come through, but regardless, noooooo way is she getting anywhere near me in that way!!
5 Flying Saucer jones
// Feb 10, 2009 at 11:42 am
When my two kids were tiny they weren’t allowed anywhere near that area. Uh uh. No way. Totally agree with you, Sy.
6 Georgie B
// Feb 10, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Never, repeat, never volunteer to do anything like that with your daughter.
When it comes to raising a child during these stages, always get volunteered.
Makes life simpler.
7 app
// Feb 11, 2009 at 1:08 am
This guy’s wife must have had the same idea, because his idea of a compromise was pure genius:
http://img7.imageshack.us/img7/6809/cap11pz4.jpg
Maybe you should try that.
8 app
// Feb 11, 2009 at 1:26 am
But seriously, if you want your daughter to sleep through the night, here is what you do…
Go out an buy a pack of cross-cut bottle nipples (they might be called “juice nipples”) Instead of having a tiny round hole, they have an X cut into them.
Buy a box of baby rice cereal (this is normally a baby’s first food). Add some to whatever she is drinking, be that formula or breast milk, so it is thick like a milkshake.
Experiment with the amount, going from less to more, till you get it right. You will know when you got it right, because she will sleep through the night. You want it to be thick enough to do the trick, but thin enough to come out of the bottle easy enough for her to drink. (this is why you use cross-cut nipples, because if you use regular ones, it won’t come out of the bottle at all)
That was how I got mine to sleep through the night. She had a bottle of that before bedtime every night, from about 4 months of age.
9 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 11, 2009 at 3:24 am
Or just get a bottle of Paragoric from La Pharmacita, give the whole goddamned family a chug, and it’s “lights out” for ‘tout les Hughes.’
Yanqui
then, in the a.m., you’ll want to boil that shit down and…FOK! I’m not doing your homework for you. Refer (ha ha almost reefer!) to any book by William S. Burroughs. He gots the skinny.
Or, you can do as I did with my 2 youngest when they were 6 and 7; I would play the classical radio station very softly, until one night when Elizabeth (at all of 7 years of age) recognized a piece. “Oh, Mommy, what is that? I just can’t remember!” “It’s Mozart’s ‘Requiem’, my darlings.” “That’s right! Now I remember!” From Claire in the other bed, “Momma, what’s a ‘requiem?” “It’s a Mass for the Dead, my loves; sweet dreams!” [close door on two banshees screaming from their twin beds.] Good times. Maybe I should look into being a foster parent.
10 Mrs T
// Feb 11, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Well I’m all for it Master Sy. A man should play his part. What are you worried about my Beelzebub of a cat once tried to breast feed of me – now that IS weird.
Have you got hairy nipples though? Whilst I think Miss H should definately be swinging of those man boobs I think hairy nipples might cause some physchological damage. She could end up having a permanent nose twitch.
Yanqui – please note that children put up for adoption are usually physhologically disturbed. But since they like to place them with foster parents of a similar background you should fit the bill nicely.
11 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 11, 2009 at 11:07 pm
AHHH MRS.T SUCKLES HER FAMILIAR!! SHE’S A WITCH, BURN HER!
SHE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT!!
(i got better.)
But Mrs. T is totally my new role model. “A Cat Named Beelzebub” sounds like the book Tim Burton reads to his kid before bed…
12 Mrs T
// Feb 11, 2009 at 11:27 pm
It’s true I am a witch as my 3 black cats would testify.
I don’t have a broom though that’s for poor folks. I am an up market witch and just use my Dyson; I can fly and suck at the same time. Not many women can do that.
13 app
// Feb 12, 2009 at 12:41 pm
@ Mrs T – What? No broom? Then either he’s not a true Beelzebub or you hate your friends.
I have a broom…for my house guests. They need it for protection, so they can get to the bathroom without my whiskered demon shredding them to bits. (I am dead serious, no joke!)
14 Bree Ahmed
// Feb 12, 2009 at 2:43 pm
=/ And I came back to the site after 8732566547645653545 million days to read ‘THIS’?!
Ssssssssssssssssssssssssyyyyy!
15 Sy
// Feb 12, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Again…I step away and you all go posting without me. What is that all about I ask ya!!
@Flying Saucer Jones – I am glad you agree! I swear I am going to get a “No Entry” poster and put them there. Those women are NUTS!
@Georgie B – I am pretty sure being my child she is going to already be one messed up little kiddie, so there is no way I will be helping her on her way!
@App – I dunno…I quite like her waking up at night. If she was to sleep through, I would end up getting more sleep..and that doesnt seem fair when being half asleep and not with it seems to be so much fun!
@NanciElizabeth – Hmmm…I dont think I will be drugging the kid just yet. Although I agree…you would be a very valuable foster parent. Certainly for the clinically insane ones who need a home! They would see their crazy, then your crazy, then they would be normal! You could make millions!
@Mrs T – I have Charlie the cat constantly pawing at Mini Sy. I would say I dont enjoy it…but you know…we all know the truth.
@Bree – I know! That many days…you should count the hours!! But yeah, you know how it goes. The site goes from normal to crazy in about 2 posts recently!! Good to see ya though girl!
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