I have never pretended to be innocent.  Hell, once I swore in front of my teddy bear!  We don’t talk much anymore since the incident.  He took it kinda seriously.  All I asked him was “So. You really shit in the woods then?” and he totally lost it.  Yeah, crazy crazy days. 

So because of my wild wild ways, I was less than shocked to read that a guy had to have his penis ring chopped off by a bunch of firemen in a “sex game gone wrong”.  Or maybe…just maybe…part of this “game” was that he bet his wife that during the course of their bi yearly squidge fest that he could get a fireman to have a fondle.  Who knows… but naturally, I have two questions.

What the hell was he taking for him to be as stiff as a gun barrell for so long that a guy in a helmet had to get an industrial saw and free willy? And what were they doing that involved him not actually finishing off?  Playing scrabble but only using words that start with “geezthisisboring”?  And where can I get some of what he is taking?  Yeah I know that was more than three questions, but I was hoping you would accidently answer the last one without realising I asked.

I mean OK.  Chances are he took viagra.  Which, according to the paperwork I have honestly not read, it “can make you stiffer than a ironing board just after a damn good rigorous starching”…but just how good is the stuff if he had to get Mr Fireman to cut off the ring?  Why didn’t the wife just offer to finish the job so willy could continue to swim in the ocean and not be stuck in a net?  And just how would someone ring the emergency services to tell them?  Personally, I would ring them and say:

“Hey.  Me, the wife, saucy sex game, industrial sized tub of viagra….and a jubilee clip made in to a DIY penis ring.  Stuck.  Suggestions?”. 

I know that their answer would more than likely be:

“You, hand cream, copy of 101 most difficult crossword puzzles…and get the wife to fetch you a beer”. 

Really…come on guys…how would that NOT work?  Yeah?  Who’s with me?  Anyone?  Please?   Fine.  But if YOU ever find yourself in this situation as I have, don’t come to me for answers.

After reading the news story, I mentioned to my wife how much fun it would be to maybe spice things up in the bedroom.  She had an idea that it might be fun to get me drunk and tie me up.  Naturally, I was more than up for the beer.  The problem was, she got me drunk, smeared my body in mixed herbs and spices and tied me to a train track. 

When I said I wanted to spice things up, I should have known to take her excitement as something bad.  So sorry to anybody who had their train cancelled due to the wrong kind of idiot on the line.

© 2009, Sy. All rights reserved.