In the highly unlikely event that I become a movie reviewer anytime soon, I have decided I would start with the film “The Day The World Stood Still” which I had the misfortune to watch tonight.
I believe it’s alternative title is “The day I tore out my own heart with nothing but tweezers and my sheer will to end my sorry existence“. They used the first working title as the second was a little too long for the ad campaign posters. But in the event of wanting my opinion on it, it goes as following:
I found watching this film comparable to smearing yourself in honey and releasing a rabid honey starved Winnie the Pooh loose from his cage for a game of tag. Yeah sure, you have to get your kicks somehow, but honestly this is only going to end in pain.
But somehow I don’t think they will want my reviewing techniques, so instead I am going to follow in the steps of a Romanian woman and become a pet psychic.
The crazy nut job in question says she communicates with your dead pet and passes messages from and to them.
Lets be honest here. If I was to get her to talk to my pet hamster “Stiffy” that I had as a kid, just what sense is she going to get out of a hamster that was highly likely it’s own Dad and Sister in one? I mean hamsters aren’t exactly too insterested in keeping the gene pool clean are they. So the chances are that when she asked how he was, he is going to say…well…he isn’t going to say anything. Because he is a hamster. And hamsters, just like bridges, cannot talk to us.
I am fairly sure I don’t want to hear from my dead pets. I definitely don’t want to pay out the £80 for the “online discussion” that she offers.
But if your pets could talk, it would be more like this:
Your pet cat will say: “I hated you. I tried everyday to trip you over, and you found it cute. I shoved my arse on your face on a daily basis…did you think I did this because I loved you??? You’re an idiot!!”
Your pet dog will say: “All I wanted to do was lick my nuts in peace. But noooo…you had them chopped off. So I threw up in your shoes on purpose. And what part of you thought I was interested in licking YOUR nuts? You are a disgusting animal.”
Either way, just as I don’t have an urge to smear myself in marmite and offer myself to the neighbours dog (because apparently he will hate me for it), I just don’t need to speak to my dead rabbit.
In case you are interested, news story is HERE. No? I don’t blame you.
© 2009, Sy. All rights reserved.
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8 responses so far ↓
1 Flying Saucer Jones
// Feb 19, 2009 at 6:59 am
Ah. Good old nut cases. So much entertainment in the nut world. I like the way you went from nut cases to nut sacks. Ah so much entertainment in that nut world too.
2 The Movie Whore
// Feb 19, 2009 at 8:39 am
I wrote an entire article to how pissed off I was when I heard this was being remade.
3 Tiggy
// Feb 19, 2009 at 6:11 pm
I can imagine that Pet Psychic demanding $50 then proceeding to howl, bark and whimper.
“I ezzz a psychic, not da fucking interpreter…”
4 Mrs T
// Feb 19, 2009 at 9:06 pm
For £80 I will give you much more interesting conversation.
Know what I mean?!
5 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 19, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Dial 1-900-MRS.T TALK. If you run out of stuff to say, lemme know.
re: “the day the earth stood still, they cast whats-his-name- Reeves in it cause if someone is real good at standing still,it is that talentless motherfucker. Next topic:
Mark Twain wrote a short story where he discovers his dog can speak. When he (the guy) expresses his amazement at why the dog hasn’t said anything before now, the canine replies sorta like, “Well, hey you big ass-hat; you feed me, I run around when I feel like it and sleep whenever I want. What’s to talk about?”
plus, I always wondered what dogs did on vacation.
p.s. Didja miss me? Huh? Huh?
6 Sy
// Feb 20, 2009 at 8:22 pm
@Flying Saucer Jones – I am glad ya noticed the switch between the two! I think I could probably write another thousand posts based on the weirdos I have read about recently!
@The Movie Whore – You know it dude! It’s horrendous. I might sue them for lot time in my life.
@Tiggy – LOL! Exactamondo! And by then, you paid and ya screwed…and your pet is still toast!
@Mrs T – I wonder what a housewife extraordinaire sex chat line would sound like. I dont have the £80 to find out, but if you can reverse the charges…..
@NanciElizabeth – I doubt Mrs T will ever run out of things to say!! Now…when you say “Didja miss me?”, is this one of those times where I cant give the right answer without getting in the shit?
7 Mrs T
// Feb 20, 2009 at 8:59 pm
Okay Master Sy, just for you, you can have my cheap rate – £40 and bar of choccy.
And we can make it as long or as short as you want…. hee, hee, hee.
I reckon 3 mins will do though…….
8 Sy
// Feb 20, 2009 at 9:02 pm
3 minutes? But I dont even smoke! What am I going to do to kill the spare 2 minutes 60 seconds?
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