In the best piece of research since I wondered if I could eat a hollowed out Cumberland sausage stuffed with dog crap, the good old NHS has made my life incredibly exciting by advising people who don’t get time to work out to just have lots of sex.
The say, and I quote (because quoting is fun as it makes the post longer without me having to type more words and make stuff up)
Endorphins released during orgasm stimulate immune system cells, which also helps target illnesses like cancer, as well as wrinkles, it states.
One thing I really don’t understand is the whole saving wildlife thing though. While having sex you release dolphins? Where are these dolphins? And why isn’t there a TV ad asking me for £2 a month?
I have a slight issue with this. Well, mainly with the stops wrinkles bit anyway.
When that “moment” comes, I generally pull a face like a guy gurning with a locked jaw trying to smoke a chicken. My face is so wrinkled and my eyes look so dead that once my wife thought I had died of old age after taking longer than the usual 18 seconds it normally takes me. I didn’t look any better for it, and I still don’t have the complexion of a 21 year old…and considering I was single for a few years, you would think…well…yeah you get the idea.
Of course, it wouldn’t be right if this story wasn’t to come along and then some arsehat takes a leak on my fire with the quote:
“Yes, there is evidence that sex has benefits for mental wellbeing, but to say there is a link with reduced risk of heart disease and cancer is taking the argument too far.”
This was said by a sexual health expert.
A what? A sexual health expert? What is that? Someone who spends all day talking about it and never getting it? Someone who asks you to lay on the couch and talk about things while they sit behind you taking notes and almost blinding themselves while pulling a face like a guy gurning with a locked jaw tryi….well you know.
And what kind of training do you need? Does the test have multiple choice questions like
Q) What is an erection?
1) Something I get looking at the gardening section of my catalogue 2) The thing my Mummy tells me not to play with and I am naughty 3) I will vote conservative 4) The Eiffel Tower
I think I may well change from my chosen career path and become one of these “experts”. It sounds fun to talk about sex all day rather then pester my wife for some only to be told “Sweetie…if you were the last man on earth, and I kind of wish you were, I would probably shoot you in the back.”
My biggest concern in the news story is
“Sex uses every muscle group, gets the heart and lungs working hard, and burns about 300 calories an hour.”
An hour? An entire bloody hour??? What are they trying to do…kill me? I cant even concentrate on doughnuts for an hour, let alone keep up the horizontal jogging.
Go on. Have a read yourself. You know you want to. You can read about the dolphins and everything. Oh, and incase you dont know what gurning is…go here.
© 2009, Sy. All rights reserved.
on 
9 responses so far ↓
1 Mrs T
// Feb 25, 2009 at 6:14 pm
WOw ..did you read that bit about sex stopping the wrinkles from deepening!
Now when everyone asks me why I look so youthful I shall just modestly refer them to that article…..
2 Sy
// Feb 25, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Whereas I will say “I look this old and haggard for a reason…” and then give them sad puppy dog eyes.
3 Tami
// Feb 26, 2009 at 5:00 am
That was a quick blogging break..geesh. I feel guilty for mine.
Now, the wrinkles…I think I remember reading once that you take your..ehem..”finished product” and rub it all over your face..maybe, that’s what lasts an hour? You’re supposed to leave it on your face for an hour, maybe??? I hear it’s good to smear on cuts, burns, etc…all-purpose..I wonder if the living sperm has a scrubbing effect….hmmmmm….
You are right, though…still don’t understand how the dolphins fit in…*guffaw chuckle*
4 Flying Saucer Jones
// Feb 26, 2009 at 9:30 am
I’m surprised you didn’t know about the dolphins. It makes complete sense that the dolphins are released after you have a whale of a time.
By the way do I have to attend that special Taiwanese University to get my Sex Expert degree?
5 Sy
// Feb 27, 2009 at 9:50 am
@Tami – quick? It was days! Days and days! Yeah, see you are exactly right about the “finished product”, and it is refreshing to see a woman understanding it. It is always a disappointment when you have to explain the healing properties just for them to go and spend a fortune on a bottle of something instead.
@Flying Saucer Jones – Talking about having a whale of a time, that must be why moby dick preferred dolphins.
I am not sure, but I am going to that university regardless! Coz all that free material? I would be mad to ignore it!
6 Joel Klebanoff
// Mar 1, 2009 at 6:01 am
I don’t live in the U.K. (I’m Canadian) so I’m not familiar with what the NHS will and will not cover. However, it sounds to me as though if you’re going through a long dry spell, the NHS should cover the cost of a prostitute. After all, if they do they won’t have to pay to treat the cancer — and wrinkles — that you’ll otherwise get.
7 Flying Saucer Jones
// Mar 1, 2009 at 6:34 am
@Joel But will the NHS cover the cost of doplhins or should Sy go down to the Caetacean Institute?
8 Joel Klebanoff
// Mar 1, 2009 at 4:01 pm
@Flying Saucer Jones The problem is that for the dolphin treatment to work you have to have sex with them. Sy will be cured; but he’ll drown in the process. Hardly worth it. The prostitutes seem like a better option to me.
9 Sy
// Mar 1, 2009 at 9:52 pm
As part of the experiment, I have joined http://www.dataadolphin.com/hardcore and am planning on seducing a dolphin to Castle de Sy for some tuna lovin. But failing that, I shall use my tax £s and tell the NHS I want a tasty pro to sort me out!
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