Being the nice person that I am, I always try to not be overly confrontational when people say something completely stupid or annoying. This has a couple of exceptions.
One is old people who wind me up by saying something completely unreasonable. The other? Well the other is something I cant admit to on here because you will think I am petty. Or sexy. Who knows. I mean who am I to question where, how or with who you get your kicks in the same way that you don’t have the right to think it is petty that I get annoyed with people who think I am being unreasonable for thinking that all reality tv contestants should be given less electric shock therapy before being allowed on the TV. Lets be honest…look at some of the complete numpties we get on TV, and then explain how they haven’t been fried to a crisp in the synapse department first. OK fine. Now you know what the second is.
But anyway.
During a trip to my local DIY/Homeware store with my daughter to buy manly hardware of the grrr…me man…me hammer hardware stuff variety (ok so it was a laundry basket), my 7 month old daughter who has recently found her voice started making noises of the louder than average nasally challenged mouse type.
It wasn’t painfully loud, and she wasn’t crying, she was just making noise. A bit like I do when I am doing the Sunday crosswords while sat on the toilet and am having trouble getting it out. The word on the crossword I mean. Yeah, it’s not quiet but as long as you don’t stick your ear to the door, it’s also not that offensive.
But enough about my crosswording toilet habits. Lets talk about the old person.
Some old codger and his wife/90 year old totty girlfriend were off buying feather dusters to clean their sex swing when young Shawnee comes past with me making a noise that sounds like this:
”Bleeeaaauuuuyyyeeerrrraaauuugghhheeeettt!”.
And then repeated it. And again. Then added the odd spit covering raspberry to them.
The codgertastic old dude says to his said totty/wife something along the lines of “Children should be seen and not heard”.
So should we gag all our kids? Or all have mute children? I dunno… but in the interest of not letting this get out of hand, I turned to my daughter and told her that I agreed with the old gentleman.
Well, when I say “agreed”, I actually mean I said:
“Absolutely. And the sooner they start enforcing that rule where old people get put in old peoples homes and play Russian roulette with the euthanasia machine the better.” And then offered to get him a subscription to the Dignitas newsletter.
Oops.
He didn’t look happy. Actually, he looked like he was about to try and give me a feather duster enema. And honestly…I did feel a little guilty. And then Shawnee went “Bleeeaaauuuuyyyeeerrrraaauuugghhheeeettt!” again, and I smiled and walked off and paid for my super awesome laundry basket.
Holy crap i’m interesting. I really live the life.
13 responses so far ↓
1 Flying Saucer Jones
// Mar 2, 2009 at 3:30 am
It is apparently okay for complete strangers to make obnoxious comments about one’s kids. I too found it hard not to respond – kids are a lot older now so I don’t get nasty comments anymore (actually I do but it comes from the kids). You were extremely polite really.
2 Carebear
// Mar 2, 2009 at 11:10 am
Way to stand up for your girl daddy! I might have done the same. Except for, no, I wouldn’t have because I have to opposite problem from you. I’m too nice to old people. I feel really sorry for them. When I see them dining alone, I feel compelled to join them, and I always let them go ahead of me at the grocery store checkout counter. I think I may need therapy.
3 Georgie B
// Mar 2, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Yeah, you really live an exciting life. :-]
In any event, this is what a tactless father of two would have done had he come across the same shrunken couple.
Them: “children should be seen and not heard.”
Me (in a tone that would suggest that the parent would like nothing better than to invade said old couple’s personal space): “EXCUSE ME? You know, old people should be put away and not allowed on the road.”
4 Menopaausloldbag (MOB)
// Mar 2, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Stupid decomposing old fart! Him, not you! I’d have said, ‘Oh what’s that smell Shawnee darling? Have you pooped your nappy again my sweet pea? What? No? You think it’s the mad old escapee from the care home that’s standing here stinking of wee and cabbage? Good girl, lets go find some fresh air eh?’ I would of course also farted in his general direction as I left….
5 The Movie Whore
// Mar 2, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Reminds me of the looks i was getting when the dude was 2 and we were on a plane. let’s just say i made some remarks that got people to stare out their windows.
6 Sy
// Mar 2, 2009 at 8:57 pm
@ Flying Saucer Jones – I think you are right…I will expect to get them from her when she is older…although by then, I will technically be old. So I think it will be deserved!
@ Carebear – You let them queue jump? Now I am planning on starting a therapy group for things just like this. You dont realise that this is the only time they get out, and they NEED to queue for longer!
@ Georgie B – I am with ya. When I hit “old persons age”, I intend to send out a request to be boxed back up and put in to storage.
@ MOB – I am pretty confident that the smell of urine and concerns that they had crapped themselves would have come up had he replied and called me rude or something!! Although I think the farting in their general directon is almost a must regardless!
@ Mr Whore – Come on…spill the beans! You can say it here…we are all friends!
I tell ya. I swear that people expect there to be a magic button on kids and cant understand why they dont suddenly go quiet! But I am teching Shawnee the same manners I have…so basically when someone annoys her, she is going to give em more than they bargain for. That’s my girl!
7 Phil T McNasty
// Mar 2, 2009 at 10:02 pm
I used to give people with screaming kids that look from hell. You know, the partly judgmental and partly condescending stare. Then I had a kid and people started giving it to me, making me feel like shit. This is karma. If you really want to get some laughs, do this next time it happens: fill an empty cough syrup bottle up with juice, and say the annoyed person “this should quieten her up” as you give it to her to drink.
8 Sy
// Mar 2, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Or maybe fill up an small whisky bottle with apple juice or something similar in colour and let her down that badboy! Although then I would end up getting arrested for trying to annoy some worthless git! But hell, worth a try regardelss!
9 Insanewm
// Mar 3, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Your post made me think of something.
Sure, doing crosswords isn’t helpful when it comes to their practical use in a toilet-like environment (such as WC, pee-pee holes and the like). However, what about EATING crosswords ? I’m pretty sure that, as it is paper, it’s full of fibers, good for your intestinal transit.
Another interesting use of crossword, correlated with the previous one, would be to stuff the mouth of this old man with your crosswords : that would STOP the crap from coming out from it.
I’ll let you ponder on that. On the holy seat
10 Sy
// Mar 3, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Interesting. Now, what if you to do a crossword on food? That would technically make it A) more interesting and B) a lot more tasty.
7 down – Tastes like bacon
*makes a noise like the cookie monster going to town*
It would work out pretty well! And if they use rice paper….the possibilities are endless!
11 Mrs T
// Mar 3, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Well done Sy! You did Miss Shawnee proud!
Now tell me about this laundry basket…. What colour was it? And was it one with holes in it to let all the bad air from pants out or one of the festering kind?? Just curious..I might splash out soon on a prezzie soon for Mr T……
12 Sy
// Mar 4, 2009 at 2:31 am
You know it! Shawnee knows her Dad will always look out for her!
Well, it was big. Bigger than the old one…not that you know what that looked like. It is a wicker one and has a lid on hinges. Yeah, it’s awesome…you know…in a laundry basket kind of way.
13 Brad
// Mar 10, 2009 at 3:54 am
There is a limit somewhere though — like when parents allow their kids to treat a restaurant as their personal playground, or to let them continually scream for no apparent reason. I once screamed “Weeeeee” just like the kid and to startling effect! If it’s okay for the kids, it must be okay for me!
You may be able to ignore your kid’s screaming (the benefit of “parent hearing”), but I can’t.
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