The BBFC (the people over here in Blighty that get to ruin computer games for kids by making it an 18 certificate…and then the kid downloads it for free anyway) have a tough job.  Every year they have to classify around 600 cinematic releases and 12000 DVD’s amongst other stuff.

This list includes hardcore pornography.

And now they are complaining that they have to watch it alone.  Because you know, why watch it alone when you can get your mates around for a few beers and say “Well, it is blatantly obvious this is going to be an 18 certificate on the dodgy 70′s music soundtrack alone….but lets watch it all anyway!  Pass the cushion.” 

Actually, the news story quotes:

Staff at the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) are worried they could become aroused when rating pornographic films if a new money saving initiative makes them watch the films alone.

Could?  If they aren’t getting it going watching hardcore pornography for a living, just what DOES float their boat?  “Ohhh yes…I particularly like the angling channel.  Those sexy fishies!  Grrrooowwwllll”.  Although I guess the phrase “tickling the salmon” has new meaning.

I mean you probably get locked in a room with a couple of thousand DVDs to choose from and then what?  “Oh dear…that’s not a very good film, you only used half a box of Kleenex man-size whereas I used 3 boxes on the latest Angelina Jolie flick alone, and it was animated and her voice was used for a diseased bunny rabbit!  Lets make it a 15 certificate”.

OK, so naturally not EVERY DVD is going to get the pulse working for the right reason.  Say the film included cucumbers.

I hate cucumbers.

No really… I think that in the event that I am indeed wrong and there actually is a God, the devil introduced cucumbers to the people of the world with the one and only purpose to piss me off.

It’s an alleged erotic vegetable that makes me want to barf.

The smell and the taste both make me want to reach to the depths of my stomach and let the contents see the light of day again.

And don’t go giving me the line “It doesn’t even taste of anything!!”.  Because if it doesn’t, why do you people insist on ruining your sandwich with it?  And why is it if you were to order a sandwich from any restaurant that thinks it is important, it will 99% of the time come with the damn stuff.

It’s evil.  Plain evil.  I would rather swallow a power saw with an extra hammer action than eat cucumber because honestly…the end result would be a lot more pleasing to the eye and less painful on my stomach.

I have a very good friend who knows of my hatred for the thing, so being a true friend, he used to constantly try to prod my nose with his cucumber.

Hang on…I should probably rephrase that last paragraph.

Anyway.  Where was I going with this.  Oh yeah… I want to become a film censor.

© 2009, Sy. All rights reserved.