While watching TV, there was a scene where a guy cheated on his other half and then bought her flowers. My wife annoyed at this started talking to the TV like a deranged mad woman and talking at the female character saying that you never trust a man who has bought you flowers. She got quite animated. And I mean animated in the getting annoyed way rather than her eyes popped out of her head, there was a noise like a horn and she span round in circles while a comedy drum beat sounded out.
Naturally, I heard a ker-ching noise in my wallet resembling me having more money to spend on myself, hookers and jammie dodgers. OK maybe no hookers.
I explained to my wife that in the event that I buy her flowers, it is a bad thing as she suggests. And then moved on to the rest.
Chocolates as even worse. This means that I not only cheated, but I did it while wearing the rear half of a pantomime donkey outfit.
But the absolute worse is if I ever remember our wedding anniversary and especially if I was to buy her a present. In the event of this happening, should file for divorce immediately…and then put on the front half of that pantomime donkey suit for some goodbye “He’s behind you!” fun because it is likely that I had spent our life’s savings on attempting to sleep with a blow up doll of myself…and failed.
But then, thinking I was home free, it all took a turn for the worse. I asked my wife just what I would be getting should she cheat on me. I was told “oh, a bottle of whisky.”
And then I realised she buys me whisky. A lot. And it is ALWAYS when she has gone to the shops. Yeah, spooky huh!
She then moved the conversation on a little.
“So. You still have life insurance right?” she asked me, while holding a brochure for sandy beach type holidays.
This has left me a little concerned. What if I have to give up my half of the pantomime horse? And what if I accidentally buy her flowers? OK, so that’s highly unlikely because I am a man.
When it comes to chocolates, I am safe as I only ever buy chocolates for me because I am kind and sensitive like that. And I mean that. I don’t want her worrying about her weight etc, so I wont buy her any.
Well, that’s my excuse for being uber selfish, and I am going to stick with it.
So there you have it. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
© 2009, Sy. All rights reserved.
on 
6 responses so far ↓
1 The Movie Whore
// Mar 8, 2009 at 11:02 pm
That is fucking hilarious. I have that marriage. I got divorced.
2 Flying Saucer Jones
// Mar 9, 2009 at 9:25 am
See, women just don’t appreciate the sacrifices we make for them. I salute your brave efforts at protecting her from the dreaded chocolate.
Don’t worry about having to give up your half of the pantomime horse. Just protect her from more chocolate while wearing said half horse.
3 G.
// Mar 10, 2009 at 1:11 am
You lost me on this one big guy.
But I will say this: if I forget important things like what you mentioned, then I’m in deep doggie-do.
4 Phil T McNasty
// Mar 10, 2009 at 1:22 am
So I take that when my wife picks all of the good chocolates out of the box, leaving me with those pink filled things, she is really saying “I’m being faithful to you”.
5 Tami
// Mar 10, 2009 at 2:19 am
I yell at the TV all the time like that! Heh. I understand your very wise wife!
6 Sy
// Mar 10, 2009 at 10:58 am
@Mr Whore – Yup, that’s how my first marriage ended! Although I didnt get any whisky…which sucks. Thats why I say she is as worthless as she is! She needed the fun without the buying me whisky!
@Mr Jones – There ya go! I am glad you agree! It’s crazy…they think we are selfish and against them, but then when they say “Does my bum look big in this?” I get to reply with “Nope…coz I ate all the chocolate!”
@G – I am pretty confident that if I was to forget that stuff, I would need to pour the whisky on the open wounds!
@Phil – Yup. And if they leave you the coconut ones…well…I wont lie fella…it’s not good.
@Tami – Very wise wife?? She is mad as a rock trying to become a jazz musician. It just doesnt happen! So what do you yell out?
Leave a Comment