Come on. Tell me you don’t want to get involved. Come on…honestly. You do don’t you:
Suuure, it is a joke that those crazies over in Ireland put up and may turn a little messy…but they make some great alcohol so who the hell am I to complain?
But I honestly think if promoted correctly this could take off. Decide on the interpretation of the word “Bum” and you have a whole raft of homeless people, leeches, politicians, bankers, people who write crap like this…the world is your oyster.
Of course, sometimes it is OK just to look and stay away from the whole touching thing. This has been confirmed by my wife who once told me that it is OK to look, as long as you think theirs is not as nice as mine. And boy have I spent a lot of time confirming that. Although she confirmed that the touch test on other women would result in the removal of testicles operation that she will perform sans anesthesia.
I propose we have a few more days. Once a year ones that bring good feeling to animals and mankind alike. Such as:
“Take a seal out on a date day” – Take them clubbing. They will LOVE it.
“Cuddle a hungry crocodile day” – One for the people in society we really don’t like? Maybe we could make a TV show out of it? “I am a child killer/abuser…get me out of here” as they get placed in to a cage full of hungry crocodiles and the only weapon they have to defend themselves is a feather duster. And they are only wearing their socks. Or we could market it with an additional board game? Hungry Hungry Crocodiles.
“Kill a tree day” – Lets call it Christmas Day just in case people don’t like the word “kill” and we can all send a vast array of pointless cards to people we don’t speak to. Naturally “Christmas Day” stands for Cards Have Really Important Stuff To Make A Smile Day and is NOT the same as some religious holiday like it has been hijacked for in years gone by. I mean really…Christ….nailed to a cross and in a lot of pain. Santa…big fat jolly dude. How the heck are these two meant to be the same day? And what is it with Christmas and ORANGES? My recollection of Christmas as a kid at school was something to do with oranges. I cant even remember what. But every time I see an orange I believe that people should buy me presents. And give me a candle. Christmas ruined fruit for me. The one thing I hate about oranges is the whole white bit that after peeling gets stuck in your teeth and you cant chew and it is really hard to swallow…much like reli…ohhhhh….yeah OK, I understand.
“Kill the wabbit day” – Lets do it around Easter every year. The winner gets whatever is in his basket. Of course, it is quite presumptuous to assume that the Easter Bunny is a bloke. Lets look at the facts: Gets the delivery done on time every year. The eggs are always really neatly wrapped. Has an INCREDIBLY fluffy tail. OK, it may just be me but I REALLY hope it is a girl now. Fancying a boy rabbit would be too much for me to handle.
“You fancy a wabbit day” – Just in case I was right about the Easter Bunny being female. We all go out and fondle fluffy rabbit tails. At the end you go home to your wife and say “Nope…didn’t enjoy it at all. Whats that? This application form for next year? Dunno, must have slipped in to my hand.”
Or we could hijack the likes of Movember and get on that bandwagon. What about “Constember”. A month of not going to the toilet due to constipation. It could be every October. The straining through November to get the backlog out may help with Moustache production. You go in to the bathroom a whimpering boy full of a month of crap. You come out a slimmer healthier man…with stunning lip fuzz to boot.
Talking of Movember, I like how the older female members of society get involved with this. The memories of kissing my Nan when I was a child and how it used to leave me with a rash…cant they release a version of Veet for old ladies? “Nans…your grandchildren find it offensive…scrap that tash!” – That would sell millions. Wouldn’t it?
Anyway. It is Thursday. Who’d have thunk it. Crazy times indeed.
© 2012, Sy. All rights reserved.