As I sit here…open the Admin page of the site and read this in the dashboard:
That’s What She Said is a feminist plugin that lives discreetly in your WordPress dashboard inspiring you with quotes by notable women.
I cant help but think “Wow…I could offend a few people here”. But you know, I am a nice guy. No really. If you take away the stupid other stuff and keep the 1%, I am 100% of 1% nice.
And it is Christmas.
Unless you don’t celebrate Christmas because you prefer other things… Wow, I could probably offend a few people here. Or I could ruin Christmas for the people who, like me, enjoy christmas.
But I wont.
Lets be honest, I don’t need to. Someone else will invariably do it for you. Not me though. And nobody can ruin my christmas. Not even baby Jesus coming back…or arriving for the first time…you know…if you think the whole thing is a load of rubbish.
But no. If you would like to be annoyed, frustrated, thinking that peace and goodwill to all men can get itself crammed up the rear of a cow, then go shopping.
Like I just did.
Shops full of panicked people. (Can I just note, I did all my shopping ages ago. I just went in to town because it is fun to get in peoples way.)
I wanted to have a nice wander through town. I even considered putting a nice white robe on, a nice long wig and carrying a huge chunk of wood around. And then saying “Got any change mate?” to everyone that passes by. But I was told that it was blasphemous and I wasn’t allowed. Blasphemous? I was wearing nice loose comfortable attire and I needed that wood to make an extension for the rabbit hutch. The hair? Well…I kinda don’t have any since I inherited my fathers male pattern baldness. I wanted the gift of hair for christmas!
Have you noticed I keep writing Christmas but then sometimes christmas? I dont know why. I actually dont care why. And lets be honest, you didnt notice until I pointed it out.
But you know…and this is actually true…unlike most of the stuff I put on here:
While walking around the shops I found myself next to a woman. Holding a newborn baby. Very newborn. It couldn’t talk or anything like that. Her friend called to her. The woman, not the baby. I just told you that it couldn’t speak. Keep up. Anyway, she said “Mary!”.
And Mary had a newborn. And I thought “eh up! Mary…and a newborn. On Christmas eve no less?” And do you know what his name was? Again, no lie…this is completely true.
It was Stuart.
I thought “That was lucky. If she had called him Jesus, he would have totally got the piss taken out of him at school”.
You know, you can probably stop reading this now. To be honest, I had no plans for a post. I am really just quite bored and rambling about things.
Still here? Fine. Lets continue.
So. I need to pay the bills to keep the site going. Anyone wanna pay the £20 fee? It is like the Wikipedia “OH MY GOD, YOU MUST SEND US CASH!” thing they have this time of year (I think it may be finished now) where the guy who owns the site puts up a cheesy photo and says “Without your cash…”
Without your cash, I will have to pay for the myself. And you know I cant be bothered. So my bunny is going to stare at you until you pony up the cash:
I warn you. That’s a real bunny. Not a photo on your screen. She will haunt you. If you close your eyes, she will still be there. Staring.
By the way. Someone decapitated my penguin. Actually, they put his head back on. Back to front. And left a note saying “I see everything”. I hope it wasn’t the penguin that did it to himself. Can you imagine that? An evil penguin? I mean, the idea of having a foot scraping zombie chasing you is bad enough, but a penguin? Scares the crap outta me just thinking about it. It would be all flappy and the noise of its feet on the ground would be weird. And they can be cute. Who wants to be eaten alive by something cute?
Well, I can’t be bothered to carry on, and I am sure you are bored by now. So I will say:
Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Happy/Merry continuation of a normal working day without any celebrations. Loving your satanic rituals. Loving your religious literature. Loving your atheism. Loving your sodding large hadron collider proving a few points. May the next few days be as much fun as they can be.
Now. I said it to you. Now you leave a bloody comment saying “Merry Xmas Sy. Without you, I could have done something useful in the last 5 minutes!”. Hint: When it says “Email address” when you put a comment…it doesn’t need one. WordPress just puts that there…I have no idea why. There. Now you don’t have an excuse for it. Even you who get this on email or feed. Come on. It is CHRISTMAS!
If you dont, I may not renew the domain. (I probably still will…I hate empty threats.)
Until next time, take care of yourself. And each other.
I should use that as my tagline…seems pretty original!
See you in 2013.
Love you too.
No, you hang up.
Y…oh, you did.
© 2012, Sy. All rights reserved.