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What is not to ‘Like’? Everything.

May 1st, 2014 · No Comments

Facebook.  Ugh.  Facebook.  The site of egotistical maniacs, game players, dinner photo posters and…well…the list is somewhat endless.

My interest in finding out that in the game you are currently playing you have just found an earthworm-monkey hybrid with herpes and you need another game player to give the secret of sphincter to help you escape the castle of carrot is honestly a little less fulfilling than you may think.  My timeline fills with this random rubbish.  Or more recently “What <insert random object> are you?” (If they keep posting that rubbish I will honestly happily insert random objects in to them)  I cant bring myself to do these tests in case I find out I am a blue carrot with links to astrology and am also the country Bolivia.

Why cant my friends all be like me?  All I do is pictures of the races I do.  I don’t photos of my dinner.  I hide behind humour to abuse my friends.  I act like an egotistical maniac.

The most likely answer to that is because they say “Oh God…MORE photos of him running.  We get it.  You run.  You get photos.  You post them up.  YOU ARE STILL FAT!!”.  Because…well…who cares about photos of me running?  Actually, my running friends do.  At least, I think they do.  Oh god…do they?  Maybe they don’t.  Hang on, I will post up a super cryptic post on Facebook to gain more attention.

OK I am back.  I posted “Oh god…I hope you do.  I can’t live knowing you don’t”.  I should get some love from that.  The fools.  I will be covered in “OMG R U OK Hon?” comments like a big sticky thing before you know it.  I will bathe in their love (no not like that) and be wanted and loved.

But there are other issues with Facebook.  Which is sort of what this post is about.  I mean sure, we are over 300 words in and I am only JUST getting to it, but I had written the above and you already read it.  So…erm. Look…just love me already.

Relationships on Facebook.  It is a minefield of confusion and bragging.  I am fairly sure one of my friends once had “Is in a relationship with <HER BROTHER>.  I de-friended her pretty quickly…mostly because she was also an ex girlfriend and now I feel dirty all over.  Was her brother thinking of me and her and…pass the bucket.

My confusion comes in the question of when is the correct time to press that “..is in a relationship with” button?  Is there a good time?  But what if I don’t put that?  Am I lying to her and to my friends as it reads “Single”?  Or should I change it to “it’s complicated” which in general means:

“Yeah, we have sex.  A lot.  But you know…they don’t want a relationship.  But I really do.  So it is awkward.  Should I say single?  I mean, I am.  We are just fumbling about and they made it very clear we aren’t an item.  But secretly I love them and practice kissing my teddy and imagine it is them.”  

But that is like 55 words or something (I put ‘or something’ as I didn’t actually count how many words so you can’t pick me up on it) so just writing “it’s complicated” is easier.  Or not.  Or…oh god…I don’t actually care.  Are you single?  Married?  In a relationship?  Having illegal relations with your dog?  Although if I don’t know your relationship status then what kind of a friend am I?

I am not actually a “Facebook friend” with my girlfriend.  Sure, we live together.  We go on holiday together.  We have pillow talk that is so low brow I wouldn’t even write about it on here as you would think “Seriously…what is the matter with you two?? And you talk about it in the bedroom??”  We even work in the same office together.  Hell, I walked in to the bedroom a few days back and she was laying in bed, had my underwear on her head, and was using my socks as sock puppets to put on a show.  And she farts like a sailor on leave in front of me.  I am also now very aware that if she reads that last bit I am in for a swift kicking.  But…well…when it comes to Facebook, our relationship just isn’t there yet.  Which is why it took the best part of 6 months to change my status to “in a relationship”.  I don’t think anyone noticed. Nobody “Liked” it.  She then changed hers, a hundred women got giddy and giggled and said “DETAILS!” and “OMG! SPILL!”  and “Oh honey that is AMAZING” and probably some other stuff.

I doubt she has replied to them yet, she is still putting that sock puppet show together.  I really hope that was my clean underwear too.

 

 

In other news:

I…er…I am having a holiday for a bit.  Yeah I know…just started the site again.  But like, an actual holiday (is America ready for us?).  So I wont be posting for a bit.  And when I get back, I move house.  So if there is a delay…bear with me.  I am expecting a ton of material to appear from the next few weeks to keep the site going.

 

© 2014, Sy. All rights reserved.

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Tags: General Madness