I mean “love them” in that “Yay!  Spinny spinny!  I am gonna vomit!  YEEEEHAAAAW!” kind of way.  Not that “oh baby…you are such a cold hard metal piece of machinery that I could just get up close and personal, marry you and then we could get it on.  Like Barry White.  Ooohhhh baaaby” kind of way.

Because honestly, that would be silly.  And impossible.   Right?

Oh dear.

In THIS news story (can you really call it news?  Maybe a mental insanity story instead?) it says how someone who is obviously not lonely or a loony (weird how those too words are so close huh!) is going to marry a fairground ride.

To quote from the story:

The mad nutter who is 33, never had a boyfriend, is the local church organist and enjoys dressing up as a hamburger and running around the tomato sauce factory shouting “Smear me…SMEAR MEEEE!!  I WANT YOUR TOMATOEY GOODESS ALL OVER ME!!!” rides the machine 300 times a year.

Can you tell what part of that previous paragraph I made up?  I will give you a clue.  It’s not the first three items on the list of things she is.

So she rides this machine 300 times a year?  I mean, I have heard of porn stars who don’t get that much action.  On telling my wife about this and that 300 times seems very fair to me, she said “Yeah, but the fairground ride probably gives her a thrill, whereas seeing you naked gives me indigestion, so there is no way that you are getting more than 4 times a year as it takes me so long to recover from the sight.”  I guess she has a point.

So anyway.  Back to Miss Mad McHatter whose real name is Amy Wolfe (who’s afraid of the big bad wolfe…well, you would be too if you found out her other half was as hard as nails.  And poles.  And pipes.  And has seats.)  She is quoted as saying (and I haven’t changed any of it this time):

I know people think it’s weird but I love him as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever.

Yes.  And I love my cat.  Even the boy one who is REALLY starting to piss me off in the middle of the night with his meowing antics.  But honestly, I have no urge in the world to marry them.  And I sure as hell don’t have sexual feelings towards them.

Hang on.  Did I say sexually attracted to it?  Yes indeed:

I was instantly attracted to him sexually and mentally. I wasn’t freaked out as it just felt so natural but I didn’t tell anyone about it because I knew it wasn’t ‘normal’ to have feelings for a fairground ride.

Which is followed by:

I tell him how much I’ve missed him and what I’ve been up to since my last visit. And I kiss the bits I can reach. The staff are really understanding.

Yeah I bet the staff are REALLY understanding.  “Stop the ride…she is tonguing the lube port again.”

So she was instantly attracted to “him”.  It’s a friggin RIDE!  It isn’t a he or a she.  And she tells him how much she has missed him since her last ride (damn he must be THAT good) and tells him what she has been doing since the last visit.  I guess she uses the same words for that bit which are probably something like:

“Yes, I have been back to the mad house where I took the blue pills, dribbled obsessively and made noises like a cow before bedtime.  But because of good behaviour as I haven’t bitten the warder since that incident, I am allowed back out for the weekend”. 

The ride obviously replies with “Bzzzz…shhvvvv…*crank*” and all the other noises a soul-less piece of machinery would make.

Did I mention she rides him up to 30 times each visit?  I mean I have a recovery time like every other guy…but unless each visit is 20 days at a time, there is no way I can keep up with that.  Maybe fairground rides are the love penguins we men should be scared of.

In 100% unrelated news, I cleverly stupidly signed up to do a 10k charity run.  In 8 weeks time.  And the last time I put my running shoes on was 5 years ago.  So the next 8 weeks are going to hurt like hell.  BUT.  It is for charity.  For cancer research.  And there is even a site you can donate money to which goes directly to them rather than in to my pocket.  If anyone wants to donate, email me at sy@wheelturninghamsterdead.com and I will give you the URL to donate on.  Go on.  Be nice.  If some of you do, I will put up pictures of the before, during and crashed on the floor having resuscitation about 400m after I cross the start line.

Oh Sali. Your story warns my cockles like a moist match and a windy summers day.

Please. Tell me. Would it be too soon to talk marriage and dressing up in each others clothes? Infact, would it be too soon to ask you to send me an email telling me what you want to do in the bedroom…and I don’t mean that naughty sex thing, I mean can we talk colour schemes. 

I so look forward to talking to you again soon and we can talk monkey.  Just kidding.  I meant money.  Oh Sali, I am sooooo funny.
Until then, I am off to stare at your picture while I smear myself in honey and call your name out loudly for all to hear.

All my love forever my sexy beauty.  (oh, and you better not have a penis…I am soooo hot for you)

Nope, no reply at all.  Yeah I know…what a cow!  Oh well.  But that’s OK, because Maher Labib emailed me with a great deal about sharing a $30M fortune that is just sitting in an old bank account…as long as I supply all my bank details…and then send them money first.  I am so lucky.

Except that the person it belonged to was a bible translator…and I don’t like religion.  Well, not so much don’t like, more just don’t really care.  But in this case, I decided I should mention to them that I worship the devil for a giggle.  My reply:

For mentioning the bible in my temple of death, I hereby summon 200 Thokolosh to find you in your sleep in the next 60 days and bring your soul to hell for all eternity.

Because you know…why not.   He wasn’t happy.  Infact he shouted.  He also used more exclamation points then I do…and that is saying something.  His reply?  Well..

BE CONSUMED BY THE FIRE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT,YOU ANTI-CHRIST.FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

THE HOLY BIBLE IS LIFE AND WITH ORDERSITY OF FAITH,BE WHOLY ENGULFED BY THE THUNDEROUS FORCES OF THE DARK PART OF THIS LIFE,FIRE!!!!!!!

The forces of darkness come for you tonight heathen. Look under the bed
tonight…they come for your soul.

For every person you continue to try and scam money from with your christ
loving heathen bullshit will make every bone surrounding your soul crumble
more and more. Remember…tonight at midnight…they come.

1 Apr

22:58:42

MSIE 7.0

Windows XP

unknown

San Diego California United States

firewall.wd40.com www.wheelturninghamsterdead.com/ No referring link

So NOW I am expecting to get that letter!  Should I insert grovelling apology here, or do you think they have a sense of humour? 

Either way, lets do this post…

Every couple of weeks, either I or my wife takes our daughter to get weighed.  So being that it is a clinic type place, there are a lot of other kids there.  And a lot of mothers.  And some of them don’t quite get the idea that breastfeeding is about feeding the kid, and not about showing the world your wares.

There I was, sat on a nice comfy chair awaiting our turn.  Shawnee is sitting on my lap doing what she does.  We are talking to the woman opposite about something or other…I really don’t know as I wasn’t paying any attention.  Then all of a sudden, mid sentence, she hoiks up her top, takes off her bra and lets the kid chow down on lunch.

“It’s the most natural thing in the world” women say.  And indeed, knowing my daughter did it, I agree.  But you know…the kid only needs one at a time.  SO PUT THE OTHER ONE AWAY!  Nope.  There it sat for all to see.

And then the kid decides to start playing with his lunch.  So while munching away on one, he starts bouncing the other one up and down.  In front of me. 

There it sat.  Bouncing.  Wobbling.  Then she started saying how much she liked my kiddies shoes. 

Screw the shoes woman…put your breast away!  The kid is not feeding anymore… he is making a milkshake.

And still the woman talks to me.  My eyes staring at her eyes.  Every blink getting longer and longer to try and take away the image.  Still the kids plays.  Bouncy bouncy.  There was milk everywhere.

And then Shawnee spots what’s going on.  You could see the reassuring memories of happier times rushing over her.   She starts making her “I WANT THAT!” noise and starts reaching over.  It all got very uncomfortable.  For me anyway.  The woman laughed.  The kid continued to play with his food.  It was the longest 5 minutes of my life. 

I have had nightmares about it.  The kid sitting there bouncing them up and down while she talked to me about…well…lets not carry on.  I am starting to get weepy again.

Someone please explain to me the need for any of that.  Yeah, the kid needs to eat.  And yes it is indeed “The most natural thing in the world”.  But so is peeing.  Everyone does it via normal methods or attached bags.  It happens.  But if I was to stand in the middle of a group of women and drop my strides and relieve myself…just how is that going to end? 

OK, so it is going to end with a lot of pointing, laughing a a law suit/criminal record.  But you get my point.

Can I finally say “It’s because of my age” rather than “Well…That’s never happened before…I am sure it is not you, it is me.” because my wife is catching on that I have used it more than once in our time together.  Well, when I say once, I mean I need to check the DNA of my daughter because I took 23 viagra tablets the other day and all I got was a chicken sandwich.  Dont ask.

Does it mean that I can now look condescendingly at other people because I am older?  Probably not, but hey, been doing it 34 years now.  Why stop and wait til I legally can!

Does it mean that the hangover I have which is pounding my head will take longer to go away?  I think that is a given.  Will it stop me doing it again tonight?  Exactly.

Whatever it means, I will just say thank you to those that have wished me a happy birthday, and to my BFF (Bloggy Freaky Friend) Mrs T who wrote THISpost and managed to tease while never actually giving the goods.  I mean that in a way that she promised me Kylie and Christina and Girls Aloud…and even Megadeth.  But when I opened the post this morning, I didnt get a Girls Aloud strip-a-thon.  (Dont know who Girls Aloud are?  Well, when it comes to their music, I wish I was you as hearing them sing makes me ill.  But eye candy?  Ooooohhhhh yes.  So google em.)

See you all in a few days! Maybe even Saturday…who knows.  By the way, any Liver Donors out there?