The Wheel is Turning, but the Hamster is Dead header image 1

Sometimes being in love can be total sh*t.

May 31st, 2014 · No Comments

Society has a habit of ruining it for those who like to do things a little differently. Those who dont conform the same way as we feel they should.  Those who have a hobby that people deem “a little out there”.

For instance, people dont get why I want to run up hills or get covered in mud or wade across lakes.  They look at me a little strangely.

But for others, society on the whole tells them they are strange.

Lets look at one such case that I read about recently.  By recently, I mean about 10 minutes ago.  I dont know why I thought that the time frame was important.  Aaanyway.  Have a quick read of this:  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cornwall-27643702 and then come back.

Are you back?

Did you even click on it?

Wait, you aren’t one of those whose parents told them to never talk to strangers, dont lick yellow slow and never click a link on some pony website where you dont know the person who writes it are you?  In case you didn’t…

A man with a cow slurry fetish has been jailed for five years after threatening to kill a family who tried to stop him targeting their farm.

<name removed to protect the guy…so ignore the name David Truscott>,<age changed to protect him also.  I will give a really difficult hint and if you get it I guess you deserve to know.  He is between 43 and 45>, repeatedly rolled around naked in cow slurry and developed an obsession with a farm in Redruth, Cornwall.

Exeter Crown Court heard that Truscott, formerly of Camborne, Cornwall, targeted the property for eight years.

The court heard that he initially removed cow pats from the farm but his behaviour escalated, with Truscott regularly entering the farm to perform a sex act in slurry.

See?  I told you that you would be judgemental.  For 8 years he was in a loving relationship with someone on the farm.  I bet you all judged him for wanting to be happy didn’t you.  Are you now ashamed?  Don’t you all want to feel love in some…wait….he was getting it on with poo?  Cow poo?  And when they say perform a sex act in slurry…slurry isn’t a name of a town is it.  He is…WHY??!!?!

I mean, I have had some weird fetishes in my time.  I once asked a girl to wrap herself up in clingfilm as a birthday present for me.  Or as a previous relationship broke down, I considered telling my then girlfriend that maybe we could try spicing it up a little and she could put a bag over her head and tying it tightly.

But you know…I knew it was wrong to ask her to do that because I just didn’t have enough clingfilm in the house.

 

 

Share

→ No CommentsTags: Uncategorized

You can stay here and die…or I can give you a citation

May 19th, 2014 · No Comments

I am back.  A bit of a wander to the US for some food, drink, fun…and chats with police officers.

Yup, I got my first citation.

Actually, I made a Mustang unusable within 5 miles of leaving the airport.

Impressed?

OK so in my defence, it wasn’t my fault (Hey, I know how insurance works…NEVER accept blame) and it was in fact the kerbs fault.  It jumped out on me and didn’t have a bright vest on so how could I see it?  And it decided to make both tyres on the right hand side of the car go from happy to flat and not so happy in a few seconds.

It is OK though, because I picked one of the worst areas in Atlanta to do it.  Which led to us sat there…broken car…and a very dodgy looking homeless man offering to tell us how to resolve it for “a bottle of water”.  Of course, I had NO idea what he was saying.  He was slurring and speaking a foreign language (it sure as hell wasn’t the queens English anyway).  It later transpired that the bottle of water was actually a bottle of beer.  But I bought him it to make him go away.

But sensibly…and because the insurance company told us to…we called the police because they wouldn’t come to fix the obviously defective car (it just cannot have been my “been awake over 30 hours not paying attention there is a kerb whack bye bye car tyres ah bloody hell” driving) without a police report.

So up drives officer lady person.  “You have 2 ways of resolving this.  Fix it yourself or get a citation”.  It was at this point I refrained from saying “Hi…as you may tell, I am not from around here.  I don’t have a FRIGGING CLUE where the nearest tyre place is and it is likely already closed for the day…and it is TYRE…not TIRE.  How do you reckon I resolve this without my superman cape on princess?”.  But I decided I would end up in prison if I said that.  And apart from my daughters in a loving way, I have never called someone princess.  So really, it was best to just say “Go on…gimme a ticket….and…erm…can you give us a lift to our hotel while they sort the car out as we may actually die if left here alone…and that will create you more paperwork.”  This led my girlfriend to repeatedly tell everyone for the rest of the trip “Yeah, he wrote off a Mustang in the first hour of being in the country”.

So I got a ticket.  Which I have to appear in court at the end of May to sort out.  If I don’t an arrest warrant may be issued.

Yeah, I am back in Blighty…don’t think I can make that date if I am honest.

But that wasn’t the last of conversations about ridiculous driving.  On checking out of a hotel, the young guy behind the counter said “Are you English?” and with cutting out bits that aren’t required…here is how the conversation went.  Me interrupting his flow is in red and was said in a dead pan voice.  See if you can spot it.

You guys drive on the wrong side of the road left side which is mad.  How do you do it?  I mean, it is the wrong side! Left side. I am surprised you don’t have loads of accidents because you are on the wrong side LEFT SIDE of the road AND on the wrong side of the car LEFT SIDE it is crazy.

Why do you drive on the wrong side LEFT SIDE anyway?

So I decided to have a little fun.  Well, I thought I did. I replied:

Well, you see it goes WAAAAYYY back to medieval times.  Before America was even just an itch on Christopher Columbus left testicle…we were still jousting.  And we would want to hold our impressive weapon on the right hand side.  So we would ride on the left.  And then we made the first car…again…before America was even born.  And while a lot of people think it was Harrison Ford who made the first car – thus the name Ford – it was actually William Shakespeare who made the first car…thus why we drive Vauxhalls.  And as we built the first roads, we decided to drive on the left…but the rest of the world got it wrong and drove on the right.

NO WAY!  Really?!  That is amazing.  So it is ALL to do with jousting???

Yup.

I never knew that.

You’re welcome.

And then I left.  I got in my car. I didn’t write it off.  I told my girlfriend about the wind up I did on him because he kept saying wrong instead of left.  We laughed.

And then I looked it up.

And with the obvious bits about Harrison Ford and Willy Shake…I actually got it right:  http://www.worldstandards.eu/cars/driving-on-the-left/

I gave him an almost accurate history lesson.

Worst wind up ever.

Share

→ No CommentsTags: General Madness