Hello treacle. Gis a kiss lover. *grrrooowwll*
Fact: Having “relationships of an intimate nature” with an animal or animals is illegal.
Fact: Thinking that your pet is beautiful or handsome in more of a way then “look at his/her little face! So precious!” is plain wrong, and you need to seek medical help. Your pet does not fancy you back.
Fact: Camels are ugly. Very very ugly. They have breasts in the wrong place for instance. They also spit. And have bad tempers.
So just why on squiffy the gerbils lush green planet is there such a thing as a camel beauty pageant? Actually, let me rephrase that a little. WHY ON SQUIFFY THE GERBILS LUSH GREEN PLANET IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A CAMEL BEAUTY PAGENT?!?!?!?!? You can see the obvious difference the second time I assume? If not, say it out loud 5 times.
Although I guess it makes sense. The average beauty pageant contains women who are so bitchy, that there bad tempers and vocal spitting at each other in the name of competition kind of makes sense. And they have fake breasts which are so botched up that even a wonderbra cannot help them from escaping to their back.
But back to the other weird looking freaky things. Beauty queens are often….oh…sorry, I should be talking about the camels huh.
So some 10000 camels turn up. How many humans is not known. How do the camels get there? Do they take the train, or do their owners look at them and think “Yeah baby! You are a WINNER!”? I am also curious how they judge them. Is there a swimsuit section? Do they all have to say “…and world peace!” with a really fake collagen smile and a voice like Mickey Mouse on helium? Do the judges stare at the camels humps and decide if they have excellent water holding capability to earn extra points? Is there any touching? Wow…SO many similarities to “normal” beauty pageants!!!
I also want to know this: If camels are so pretty that they need there own pageant, why do the men try and buy your wife in return for a camel or 5 when yuo are in their country? Are we to assume they think our wives look like camels or is the camel thing one of those “lets go to the camel brothel and get a little hump action” things? What would a camel brothel be called anyway? A HumpStation? If you are “enjoying intimate relations” in a room with a lot of camels, are you having a camelthon? Why am I saying intimate relations when I should just write “If you are sick enough to have sex with an animal…”? So many questions. Should I interview the camel? Probably not. She would get the hump.
Hang on. What if the camels are male? Oh that is just wrong. If they are indeed male, are they all working on their 2 pack for months before the pageant? Would they have a speedo wearing section? Because a camel in a speedo… And would they want world peace, or in a big macho voice say “Yeah…more beer. And more war. And hey laideeeees…check me!” as they flex their eyeballs and scratch their humps?
OK, so I need to move away from this now because I am starting to feel queasy. So lets talk about this other story I read last year:
A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his “wife”, after he was caught having sex with the animal.
Dammit. Straight back in the zone.
What religion would you have to follow etc to live in an area where if you pork a goat, you have to marry it? And if he was to say have sex with a cow, and then be forced to marry it; only to kill it and makes some awesomely tasty steaks; would he be arrested for murder? Because if you are going to get a free meal out of it I can think of worse things to have to do then…no…no Sy…do not go there. But what I did find funny about the story is this bit:
“When I asked him: ‘What are you doing there?’, he fell off the back of the goat, so I captured and tied him up.”
He fell off the back? Now OK. I am not the brightest person in the world, but I am looking at the logistics of this. He was sitting on it’s back. How does he get Mr Mini to… Nope. I can’t say it.
OK, I am gonna go and have some “private time”. Writing this has got me all misty.
A thanks to Rose who is in fact not a camel, for the heads up on this story. You can read about the goat HERE and the Camel HERE. You know. If that is your thing. Yeah I thought it might be.
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