***Don’t forget the COMPETITION. Time is running out.***
Having watched the incoming Google searches the last couple of days, I figured it was time to get the ball rolling on part two of the “You were searching for what?” series. Same rule applies. The text in the between the ” ” have found my site. Obviously feel free to find out for yourself if you don’t believe me. Go on. Be like that. Do I care? Well maybe a little because that is very untrusting of you.
I just want to know “WHY!”. You will too I think. Here we go:
Dear Sy, Can you get “Hamsters that see dead people”?
Uncle Sy Says: Being that hamsters can’t actually speak English (or French, German etc), it is hard to know. The chances are you get very drunk night and move things around which is why you think you are haunted. But it is worth mentioning that the hamster may be possessed. If it has either red or black eyes, it is possessed and will come for you in the night.
Dear Sy, My “Hamster has flies”
Uncle Sy says: So do my jeans and work trousers. So get over yourself and your oh so great pet. Your hamster ain’t so impressive now is it!
Dear Sy, I “thought hamster was dead”
Uncle Sy says: If it is moving, breathing, farting, blinking etc it is NOT dead. If it is stiff like a post and you can flick it without it being bothered it is dead. OK? Get it? Stiff Hamster = DEAD. Everything else = ALIVE. It ain’t rocket science.
Dear Sy, Is there such a thing as a “hamster church”?
Uncle Sy says: Following the Jedi religion is a much more sane thing to do. Coz you realise that a hamster on a cross would just look real stupid. Like you.
Dear Sy, I heard that you are “gorgeous sexy”
Uncle Sy says: Who am I to deny it! If you ask my wife that question, she will say “flubber lubber lubber” and then dribble. Why? Because I take her breath and ability to talk away because I am so hot. Or I smell real bad. hmmm. I should get that checked out.
Dear Sy, “i want a tail attached to my body”
Uncle Sy says: Are you male? If so, you already have a damn tail. OK, it might be a little stubby, but do what I do. Blame the cold weather. If you are actually a woman, you can get one. It costs a little money though, and you will have to go by the name “Steven” after the op.
Dear Sy, Can I see “pooh bear honey pot pictures”?
Uncle Sy says: Nope. You can’t. Since they used the honey pot trap to confirm he was cheating on Eeyore, he has put a high court ban on the images being shown to the public.
Dear Sy, I want a “hamster up the bum”
Uncle Sy says: I hear that opening a drawer, and then gently lowering yourself until your nuts are hanging in the drawer and then having someone slam the drawer shut, is as much fun. Leave the damn hamster alone you freak. I hope he bites you on the colon or wanders up to your kidney and sets up home.
Dear Sy, I have “belly button cheese”
Uncle Sy says: I have mature cheddar cheese. I think you need to use Ritz Crackers for belly button cheese though. The others make it taste funny.
Dear Sy, “Would music affect a hamster on a wheel”
Uncle Sy says: Interesting question. I tell you what, put some Rammstein on first, and then change it to some garage. Then shortly after, put Celine Dion on. If the hamster bites you on the arse next time you pick it up, you have your answer. Oh, and if you ever make a hamster have to endure Celine Dion, I will come and slap you.
Dear Sy, “is it ok for hamsters to have milk”
Uncle Sy says: Cow milk: Yes. Chickens milk: No. Your own bodily milk: Stop it.
Dear Sy, My “hamster almost dead”
Uncle Sy says: Well? What do you expect me to do? I am not gonna suck on its nose in the name of bringing it back to life or something. It happens. Get over it. Chances are it inbred itself half to death anyway and you have a ton of them, so just go play with one of them instead.
Dear Sy, “can french fried kill hamster”?
Uncle Sy says: Sorry? Do you mean French FrieS or FrieD? Because if you give it a french fries, it will probably be fine, and will wish to wash it down with a milkshake. If you dip it in boiling hot oil, it may have issues with clinging on to life. But if you do decide to give it a go, let me know how crispy it is! You may need to dip it in batter mix first.
Dear Sy, Is there such a thing as a “hamsters lifeline”?
Uncle Sy says: I am not sure. But there should be because some of these sickos above want to stick them in there various orrifices, in boiling oil, feed it chicken milk and send them to church. No hamster should be subjected to any of that list. I will set it up. “Call HamsterHelp on 1-800-HAMSTER”
Dear Sy, Can you tell me the “difference hump lump”?
Uncle Sy says: No. Because you smell of hamster cheese.
Dear Sy, Is there such a thing as a “Stupid people restaurant”?
Uncle Sy says: You should bloody well know! Or are you asking for directions? it is on the island you have somehow escaped from.
Dear Sy, “why have some camels got one hump and some have two”?
Uncle Sy says: For the same reason you are plain stupid and I am a goodlooking hunk of man. Some guys get all the luck.
Dear Sy, “my wife made me do it”
Uncle Sy says: You have no balls. Oh, and you did it wrong. Do it again. She obviously knows better then you.
Dear Sy, “I can hear the wheel turning”
Uncle Sy says: You have eyes. Open them and you can SEE the damn thing turning. Want me to take a photo and record the sound so you can live with the excitement for a long time to come?
So there you have it. They all came in the last 2 days. I can see this being a regular occurance!
wheelturninghamsterdead.com 