I think I am dying. 

You women give it all the “oh I gave birth” and “I am ill but a mother doesn’t stop” rubbish…but sorry, I am so much iller than you women get.  I have the worst headcold.  Ever.  Period.

I can only breath through one nostril as the other has decided to turn in to a fountain.  If I stand up and spin around quickly I am confident I could hit someone standing at least 10 meters away from me.   If I didnt have the other nostril so clear, I would probably be dead now.  I have the snottiest nostril.  Ever.  Period.

I am making noises when blowing my nose that sound like a randy elephant making the “come and get it ladies….but don’t get pregnant as I cant stand to hear you moan about the pain” mating call.  Blowing my nose is the single worst noise. Ever.  Period. 

I have the starting of a sore throat.  I mean, it isn’t there yet as it is more “well, it is possible…I do have the worst headcold ever already”, and I don’t know if I will get one yet, but if I do.  Worst sore throat. Ever. Period.

This morning I woke up with a slight headache.  No not a hangover.  It was a headache.  Yes I know I drank a lot last night but that was because me…as a man…needs to kill the bug in my body so I can continue to make the world turn.  So I got that bug so drunk, became best friends with it and thought I could coax it out after drenching it in whisky.  It turns out it is one of those “hang about” bugs.  So now it thinks it is welcome and I am pretty sure it is setting up home for the long term.  Worst home stealing bug.  Ever.  Period.

I coughed earlier.  Not once.  Not twice.  FIVE times.  Five separate instances of this cough.  IN 7 HOURS!.  On the last one I almost coughed up some of the tasty chewing gum type stuff you get when you have a VERY nasty cold like I have.  Nobody else has had a cough like this.  Ever.  Period.

I also stubbed my toe last night.  Childbirth?  You have NO idea.  “Oh look…I squeezed this 8lb little person out of me”.  Yeah?  Whooopeeedoodeee.  I stubbed my toe against the cupboard.  That HURT.  Worst injury.  Ever.  Period.

But you know.  I came to work today.  I worked hard.  While some women were laying on their backs in the name of childbirth and in the name of finding an excuse to moan about pain, I was here.  Working. At my desk.  I didn’t tell anyone I am ill.  I am a silent sufferer.  You know, apart from the elephant noises.  No, I am a better person than that.  I am only telling you people reading this because you need to understand that when I say I am ill…I am ILL.  Single most ill guy. Ever.  Period.

Walking from the car to the office this morning the wind picked up.  It was cold enough to cut a normal mortal in two.  I just accepted it.  I pushed on through. I came in.  I watched and watched the others moaning.  Silently I took that cold and pushed on.  Coldest wind.  Ever.  Period.

I am therefore the greatest guy. Ever.  Period.