With the impending arrival in a few months of the end of the world for you mere mortals (those of you who vote for me will be spared at the time of the ascension), I have had the need to do that decorating thing for the nursery of the fruit of my loins. Going to all the goth shops for various gargoyles and other pretty decor such as dragons, skulls and spell books for her room has been much fun. I just really hate decorating. I am an IT dude. Not a DIY guy. But today I hit a heady peak. I went to “The man store”. You know the one. It has man stuff. OK, so it isn’t called The Man Store (but it should be as that is an awesome name for a store), actually it is called B&Q. What does that stand for? Well they don’t even know. That is why to get to their website you go to www.diy.co.uk. Why don’t they just rename there company to that? B&Q?? Breaks & Quickly? I dunno.
But I digress.
I walked in and the light shines and that spooky church music starts as I walk down the aisles as angels surround me showing me man goodies. Hammers! Ahhh…everyone loves a hammer. I can hammer stuff. *whack whack*. The noise alone beings a smile to my face. But I don’t need a hammer. I actually already have a hammer. But this is a new hammer. I could walk around the house with it and smash stuff that didn’t need smashing. Then I got to the saws. I have a cabinet I am throwing away. I could saw it! Actually, I could hammer it half to death and THEN saw it. See? I need a hammer! And a saw! But I already have a saw.
POWERDRILLS! Yes…EVERYONE needs a power-drill. But I have one. And I have nothing to drill. And then I got to the tool belts which would hold so many of these supercool toys that I want to buy. I don’t have a tool belt. Should I get a tool belt? Outside of the “You are an arse” comments my wife would make, safe in the knowledge that she is right and I shouldn’t touch tools, I do think I would look quite cool in it.
So why did I go to the shop? Paint. That’s it. I didn’t get to smash or saw anything. I got to plaster and paint. Where is the fun? WHERE PEOPLE? I have a need to enjoy this decorating malarkey. And it isn’t fun. I sweat. I spend days getting the wallpaper off, prepping the walls, and then I have to lay the flooring. And then I have to clean up the mess. I don’t get to smash up a single thing.
I was going somewhere with this. What was it.. Oh yeah. The sweating. After doing much man work, I sweat like a big fat sweaty thing in a very warm room. It is not pleasant. So imagine my horror when I heard that in the 1950′s, the British government were so worried about the possibility of the tea situation being very serious should an H-Bomb go off. And then I go to thinking how much the lack of tea would hurt my Mum. The woman’s bladder is never below 3 gallons of the stuff. My childhood memories were of Mum and a cup of tea. That is the extent of my memories. Yeah, there were times we were on a roller coaster and stuff, but she always had tea in her hands. “Mum, I just lost a hand!” “Lets have a nice cup of tea and have a look shall we”. It was her answer to everything. “Mum, can I make you a cup of tea?” “Lets have a cup of tea and decide shall we!”
But back to the stuff not being available. Several years ago I got thinking about this exact issue. What if Diet Coke or Beer was suddenly unavailable? Yeah, that is something I was not willing to think about. So I started a petition against bombing the UK. I was pretty sure that Osama would be willing to sign this, as we all know he likes a beer. But then I figured that you cant count on anything or anyone in the long run. What about natural disasters. You know, really bad life altering ones like the really bad looks I was given at birth. No one should go through that. So I started hoarding coke and beer. But where to put it? So I built an ingenious storage device that if in future riots broke out and lawlessness took over in this area (well, more then is already here…the thieving little scum), I would be happy knowing it is in a safe place. You can build one too. Have a look at the schematic below, and one day you will thank me. (It is worth noting that the area can also be used to store food under the right circumstances.
I should also note that it comes with it’s own inbuilt cooling device whereas it will secrete water when it overheats. It also has a pungent smell to stop people trying to steal the beer and coke.
I don’t know about you, but I am getting the serious munchies. Extra large fatty kebab anyone? What’s the worst that can happen? Oh, damn. Is that line copyright Dr Pepper? Well, SUE ME! What’s the worst that can happen huh!
© 2008, Sy. All rights reserved.
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29 responses so far ↓
1 Debs
// May 19, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Eeeewww Looks like a dude who’s been blogging to long to me! I bet that mouse has knob cheese on it!
2 Sy
// May 19, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I dont wanna be the teccie that climbs under the desk to sort the PC out! I wonder how many diseases the mouse has…
3 Mikiye Creations
// May 19, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Oh NO!
………
………
………
4 Sy
// May 19, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Hahaha. You werent eating lunch were you Mikiye?
Hey everyone reading this, it is Mikiye’s birthday. Can someone sing her happy birthday? I am not so good at it..
5 Mikiye Creations
// May 19, 2008 at 11:00 pm
LMAO!!!
I WAS!!!!!!
Totally ate LATE today too!
Ugh…well, at least I wasn’t eating cookies or something really ice cream…ice cream….it’s soo HOT here…ice cream…OH! SORRY!
I got side tracked.
EEW~
Yeah, THANKS A LOT!
…I know…I should have known!
6 Sy
// May 19, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Yeah, you see…you should know not to come here expecting lunch material! Perhaps I should put advisories at the beginning of the posts telling you what food can be consumed along with the post!
I want ice cream now!
7 Greg M
// May 20, 2008 at 12:29 am
All right that was completely disgusting, well done.
8 Mikiye Creations
// May 20, 2008 at 12:29 am
..yeah, especially when the first one I went back to read was about Farting!
…at least I go and vote for you!
LOL
9 Sy
// May 20, 2008 at 12:39 am
@Greg – You are welcome my friend!
@Mikiye – Give me some words, and what you want the story to be about and I will write one which contains no farting or sweaty fat men.*** And your votes are more warmly welcome then you can imagine!
*** – I obviously cannot promise this. It is all the material I have obviously.
10 Rose
// May 20, 2008 at 5:47 am
Wait hold on……….dragons, skulls and spell books for her room?
11 Sy
// May 20, 2008 at 6:40 am
Yrah for sure! She needs them as she nears the ascention and takes over the planet. You cant do spells if you dont have the books!
12 Mrs T
// May 20, 2008 at 10:37 am
Oh Lord, that was one of your funniest blogs yet. “The Man Store” is just perfect. Mr T has the full accompaniment of dangerous (and non dangerous tools) many of which have never seen the light of day. He doesn’t have a tool belt either but you know that sounds like a pretty good B-day present.. you should hear what he usually demands…
Hey, you should get a tool belt too..you could pop the beer cans and peanuts in and carry ‘em around with you..then you’d always have some in case of that emergency..
Yeah, I heard you got a powerful drill…there’s no need to brag…..
13 Kelly
// May 20, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Golly, I wonder where I can store the chocolate pudding? I’m guessin’ that new-fangled unit already comes with stinky tube steak.
That was hysterical, Sy. I had no idea you were such a sick, goddam freak. Hooray.
WELL DONE, GOOD SHOW
14 Debs
// May 20, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Hey what’s goin down witchoo and Mrs T?
If she thinks that’s funny she should go to MOB !!!!
15 TheMovie Whore
// May 20, 2008 at 6:47 pm
That photo was totally uncalled for.
Funny but painful. Really are you trying to see which one of us is the sicker bastard?
16 Debs
// May 20, 2008 at 8:13 pm
I thought he had a boil on his chin, but it turned out to be a bunny!
17 Sy
// May 20, 2008 at 9:12 pm
@MrsT – Mr T’s tool hasnt seen the light of day? I bet it still has a tan right? And an emergency beer and munchies toolbelt. That is a great idea! Get one of those funky hats to put beers in and straws to my mouth and I am good to go! And I can add more hols to it with my powerfull tool.
@Debs – ooohh…dont you be bringing those wares round these parts….them there votes are miiiiiiine I tells ya. See, Mrs T and myself have to have this banter so my wife doesnt realise she is not a secret internet lover, but actually my biggest fan. Coz wifey wants that title.
@Kelly – I reckon you could adjust it enough to make sure the cake has somewhere to live. It depends. I built it more as a beer storing device, but you know, you can change it as you need to!
@Jim – Nah the photo had to happen. The post was boring until I added that and gave it a life of it’s own. And maybe a planet if he gets any bigger! But between you and me…I might be sicker. More of real world Sy is creeping in to the posts…
18 Sy
// May 20, 2008 at 9:13 pm
@Debs – I think the bunnies head may be in his mouth… But hey, we can make it a rabbit hutch which you can hide beers in. The options are endless!!! Chocolate raisin anyone?
19 Debs
// May 20, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Wow, Sy! Serious for two minutes? Je pense non! (I think not), pretentious moi? I’m glad you’ve found 2 good reads and one of you has to win it, but I’m the guy in reservoir dogs having petrol poured over him and his fecking ear cut off. To be honest, I’ve never been able to watch beyond that scene! Needless to say I can’t think of two others I’d rather be stuck in the middle of, whether it be a hamster’s wheel or Steeler’s wheel. All the best to you both. Me? Just entertainment value. Debs x
20 Sy
// May 20, 2008 at 9:40 pm
You dont know how hard it was to be serious. I dont do it naturally you know!
Why would you want to watch past that scene? That is a watch it, rewind…watch it…rewind moment!
Now. I must look up the second word. The first one was My. I have an idea the second one wasnt polite…
21 Debs
// May 20, 2008 at 9:41 pm
Now here’s a tag fact. When we were kids we used to have rabbit and Guinea pig poo fights. I always chose GP poo coz it was more aero dynamic. What thinks you of the hamster turd industry?
22 Debs
// May 20, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Hey 21 comments, you are getting real close to my 75 on poo!
23 Sy
// May 20, 2008 at 10:12 pm
Hamster poo is genius. It has all the staying together power you want in a handfull of dung as it flies through the air on the way to your target, and yet the on impact splat is somewhat impressive!
Yeah I know. Although take away the 20 we had talking about poop and you are still well ahead!
24 Tamera
// May 21, 2008 at 2:48 am
I LOVE it when you write like this! About your real life. It reminds me of one of the first posts I read about the bird and cat..hehe. It got me hooked. Mrs. T had a brilliant idea with the belt and beer and peanuts. Decorating may just become a little fun. How ’bout one of those construction hardhats with the beer bottle strapped to it, and a straw!
25 Sy
// May 21, 2008 at 8:35 am
Yeah, see when I wrote this one, I actually wasnt that happy with it. But I also have the issue of just not having that much fun stuff to write about recently. I am trying (and I think achieving) to not make everything I do be about unborn kiddie, so all that is left is work and sleepless nights watching car crash TV recently. Poor wifey is very tired at the moment (understandably as she has to carry my spawn).
I do have some material on what the cat has been up to recently though. But that involves a post about poop. Which I guess would fit in well to this site, so I may as well write it!
Now. Where is my contruction hat!
26 Lee
// May 21, 2008 at 5:13 pm
Gargoyles and lice and all things nice. That’s what little girls are made of
27 Sy
// May 21, 2008 at 5:18 pm
I think what my wife is trying to say is that I look like a gargoyle and I have lice. She is all things nice.
Harsh…but fair.
28 Tamera
// May 22, 2008 at 4:03 am
See, with all of the goodies, life suddenly becomes more fun…the cat? Naw, the bird is much more funny..the cat loves you. The bird isn’t very fond of his Master.
29 Sy
// May 22, 2008 at 8:53 am
The cat is different…She still loves me but she has changed… I will do a post about it!! Since the kittens came along, it is war in my house!! Now the bird….ohhhh the bird…grrrrr.
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