I don’t get much spam mail. Well, no more then a couple a week, and then I reply because it was nice of them to email me. But I got this one which I had to follow up on and order:
From: Ozzie
Subject – Get her wet and wild
Medically-proven to guarantee 3-6 inches of growth (average) - get it here now
So I ordered some, and I sprayed it on my wife’s head. Wild? She went INSANE! She chased me about the house and by the time she had finished chasing me, she was wet dripping with sweat. When she calmed down, we measured her height, but she had not grown any taller. So I guess it doesn’t work. Why would they lie to me?
I am hoping my other spam mail I received which is selling “viaodgra” works better. I kinda get the idea it wont though. What the hell can it be for?!
Maybe I followed the instructions incorrectly. But that is the thing. Why not put the instructions in English on these products? And by English, I mean Idiot English. Or Sy English if you don’t want to type the word idiot.
For instance, staying on the make things bigger line, I decided that “little Sy” could do with being a bit bigger, so I sprayed Miracle Grow on him. Apart from a lot of stinging and a lot more swearing, nothing got bigger. Well nothing if you don’t count the big smile on the nurses face as she wrapped up my privates in bandage to help the healing process. Now, I like to think of him as “My little cactus” (think about it) so when I saw it is for “Making your garden grow”, I assumed, albeit incorrectly, that this was my miracle medicine.
I hope my tasty order of squirrel brain will have the more desired effect I want it to.
PS – Like the “You were searching for what?” search result posts I do, if you want to send me the text from any amusing spam mails to ritually abuse, send a mail and a cheque for £430 to sy@wheelturninghamsterdead.com and I will see what I can do. Yeah thats right. Begging for free material now. It is allll good baby!
on 
8 responses so far ↓
1 Kelly
// May 21, 2008 at 6:18 am
A beautiful tale that inspires. Ha hah ha! That post was top notch funny, Dude. I’ve tried a few of those instant boner pills and they never abled me to “pitch a tent” or “get puffy like a Black Adder”.
And gosh, is “little Sy” okay? Perhaps if you douse him with a generous cup of sulfuric acid, all will be well.
Concerned With The Welfare Of Friends,
Kelly
2 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 21, 2008 at 8:17 am
Surely all you need is a younger man and a set of jump leads? Much better to take the natural approach than stuffing god knows what down yer neck. Those thieving little spammers on the net would have eat powdered rat foreskin as an aphrodisiac just to get yer hard earned dosh – well maybe not hard earned in your case as you are so busy canvassing for glory at the moment!
Give up the tablets and smear some horse linament on it – if your not sure, go take a look at male horses – you’ll be off to the shops quicker than a premature ejaculator!
3 Sy
// May 21, 2008 at 8:32 am
@Kelly – “Get puffy like a blackadder”?? I had never heard that before. And now I know why! I will get the sulphuric acid on the go later and see if anything happens…
@MOB – Eeesh. There is no part of me that is wiring my family jewels to another man’s joy department.
I am a little worried though. powedered rats foreskin isnt an aphrodisiac? Oh dear…I need therapy coz DAMN that gets me going quicker then a good dose of electric shock treatment and no lube.
The canvassing is a requirement at the moment. It’ll alll come unstuck at the end I am sure!
And i’m spent.
4 Debs
// May 21, 2008 at 9:44 am
Woah, thanks for the warning Sy, I was just about to hit the “send” button to order and extra three inches for “Bob Junior.”
My good friend Drew Peacock had a terrible problem with mycoxafloppin. His girlfriend Anita Bush and her mate Tess Tickell thought it was hysterical and she left him for Hugh G Rection. Poor Drew. Debs x
5 TheMovie Whore
// May 21, 2008 at 5:06 pm
OPne day sir you may be as insane as I. I assume it will happen about the time your kid turns 2. After a couple years of no sleep you will find out why I am the way I am.
Funny stuff.
You seem to have a comfortable lead in the voting.
6 Sy
// May 21, 2008 at 5:10 pm
@Debs – Actually, mycoxafloppin is a very good medicine. Unfortunately it is another case of not well instructed. It is an oral medicine. Not a spray on medicine. If he uses it correctly, Hugh G Rection will be out of the way in no time.
@Jim – Hmmm.. I actually agree! We will find out in 2 years as to how much I have lost it!
Yeah a good lead, but then, that is only a short lead if 2 votes are a percentage point. So we will see…
7 Rose
// May 22, 2008 at 6:33 am
Well Miracle Grow does work on flowers and it likely works the same way on your little cactus as the stuff spammers sell.
I get a lot of spam, but if I send it to you don’t report me as a spammer. lol
8 Sy
// May 22, 2008 at 8:52 am
oohh…yeah good point. It will probably end up deleted. Ummm…you may wanna stick it in a word document and then write a disclaimer saying I begged you for them!
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