I once had a friend. But that friend betrayed me. But it is OK, because I didn’t let on that I wanted revenge of his betrayal, and as they say, revenge is a dish best served with a woman who is a little “off” in the head, and smells of fly-spray.
Not many people I know are a little “off” in the head, although I know a lot of people who smell of fly-spray. So you can imagine how I felt when an esteemed beggar of votes for the same site that I am begging for votes from, introduced me to exactly the freak I wanted to set my friend up with.
I cannot tell you the heinous crime that my friend Simondo committed. All I can tell you is that I now have a limp and have the perpetual smell of Old Spice permeating from me. Sometimes it stings. Sometimes it tingles. But that is irrelevant. Here is a view of accounts on the events leading up to now:
“SY! You arse! You changed my ringtone to The Nolan Sisters again didn’t you. It took me forever to get Barbie Girl on there, and now it is gone. Thanks a million!” Simondo shouted to Sy, his housemate.
Sy, laying in bed fresh from the alcohol free beer he sneaked in to the Stella Artois bottles from the night before laughed at the thought. “Now. I must get up and VOTE! for for this site.” he thought.
In the other room, Simondo was feeling as if someone had inserted an industrial quantity of magic mushrooms in his behind. Stroking his Ted Bundy tattoo for luck, he got up ready to face the day. The day he was going to meet who he thought was his dream girl. The girl of his dreams, or so he thought, that Sy had set him up with. Maybe “set up” was the right phrase.
All Simondo knew of Hortense was that which Sy had told him. This was that she was in to leather, was a genius and had a habit of wearing only the very best perfumes.
Simondo got ready for his date. He wanted to be ready. Although not one to rush in on a first date, he had a feeling that this was going to be something special.
“Good luck skip, and I mean that very very sincerely” Sy said as Simondo walked out of the house on the way to the restaurant to meet Hortense. “Thanks dude. It is alllll good. Don’t wait up!” Simondo shouted as he slammed the door shut. Simondo had gone all out for this date. He had a back crack and sack wax earlier in the day which was starting to itch with his lycra underwear, but he was not going to be put off. This date was “The One”.
At “The Best Kebabs in Town” restaurant where Simondo had arranged to meet Hortense, he sat with anticipation. In walked a stunningly beautiful young woman. “Is this her?” he thought. Nope. The young ladies boyfriend followed shortly after. Hortense was running late. Simondo was starting to fear the worst. But then, wearing a yellow plaid skirt, an off lime green coloured coat and cornrows in her pink hair, Hortense walked in. “Holy crap! How big are her feet!” Simondo wondered as he checked for an Adams Apple. She had been given a photo by her friend Mob. Mob was a nice enough girl. A little misguided, but then when your upbringing consisted of toasted olive sandwiches covered in own brand peanut butter and babycham for every meal, it was always going to have an effect on her later in life.
“Schlymondo?” Hortense spoke towards Simondo. Wiping the spit from his brow, and trying not to look horrified Simondo replied back. “Hortense? My, you look gorgeous. More then I could ever imagine.” As he said this, he was trying to work out what was that smell. Has she been drinking Riesling? Whatever it is, it is not pretty. “Hang on…fly-spray??? She is wearing fly-spray??”
Hortense sat down and they started talking. Simondo, scared of being covered in spit spoke as much as he could. But either way, whatever it was that nature had against Simondo was still going to have to talk. “I am gonna kill Sy for this” he thought to himself.
“So. Hortense. I hear you have some tattoos. What do you have?” Simondo asked.
“Ohhh.. I hash a Sharles Manshon one on me beshind” Hortense replied while Simondo stared at the hairy wart on her chin which Simondo swore was sending out subliminal messaging to him.
Charles Manson? Ah man. What is wrong with this woman! Should I tell her of my Ted Bundy tattoo? No, I can’t. We would have something in common. Simondo thought.
While Hortense wiled away the night with stories of her great adventures, none of which sounded right, Simondo noticed that she had something inbetween her teeth. “Would it embarrass her if I told her?” he thought, before realising that he couldn’t look at it anymore. Most of her large donner kebab and can of 7-up was attaching itself to it.
“Sorry, I dont wish to embarass you, but you have something between your teeth” Simondo said.
“ohhh…Schorry, that wasss where I shewed through my reshtraints earlier.” Hortense replied.
“Holy mother of all things evil. What the freakin goddamn hell have I been set up with?” Simondo pondered.
Simondo did the gentlemanly thing and put up with her spitting on him all night and at the end of the night, they parted ways. “It was a pleasure Hortense.” Simondo lied though his teeth. “Yesh, I had a wondershul time. Shank you” Hortense replied as she leaned over to Simondo and attached her mouth to his. It was like a dyson on extra suction. Simondo thought he may have lost a kidney in the fluidy exchange. Begging to exchange numbers, Hortense grabbed his phone and rang herself. “I hash your number now. I shwill call you” she said as she limped off in to the night. Her left leg 3/4 the length of her right.
On parting ways, Simondo ran home as fast as he could to get to his listerine mouthwash and to have a chat with Sy. On getting home, Simondo found Sy laughing his head off. “She had breath like cat crap!” Simondo said as he looked bewildered at Sy.
“And she has my number! What do I do? God I hate you so much!” he said, punching Sy on the arm.
And that my friends is the story so far. Just where will it end? Will it end? Will there be another date? What even started this post? Well, I could answer your questions, but I will let the writer of part 1 post a link. She needs the advertising you see.
Oh, and remember…VOTE!!!
38 responses so far ↓
1 Tamera
// May 22, 2008 at 3:58 am
Yuck. With friends like you to set up dates, well…..just wait for his revenge!
2 Tamera
// May 22, 2008 at 4:00 am
You are waaaay ahead in the competition, Sy! How much we gettin’ paid for this? Hehe.
3 Don
// May 22, 2008 at 4:46 am
Sy,
You are always a trip down the rabbit hole.
One brief criticism if I may. Putting the words “sack wax” and “kebabs” so close together is painful. Funny, but painful.
4 Rose
// May 22, 2008 at 6:29 am
Geez Sy- I bet Simondo needed a showed after that night. I voted!
5 Sy
// May 22, 2008 at 8:50 am
@Tamera – With friends like me, who needs enemies!!
Umm. Paid? Yeah…ummm..the cheques in the post. Watch out though. The post isnt too good in the rural area I live in… Yeah. Rural. That will work. I can use the “A squirrel ate your post!” line later now!
@Don – Hmmm…that is true. It was never gonna be pretty was it. I should probably reword that too. Well, it is always good to see you down the rabbit hole!
@Rose – Industrial strength swarfega all the way I believe. Bless. Poor guy.
Thanks for the votes! You all rock!
6 Debs
// May 22, 2008 at 8:53 am
Excellent, well done. Just one question!
How do you know what a dyson with extra suction feels like?
Debs x and thanks for the birthday wish.
7 Sy
// May 22, 2008 at 8:55 am
I read a medical journal. Honest. Ummm….oohhh look. The sun is out. *cough*
8 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 22, 2008 at 10:39 am
Oh Christ – I read this earlier and haven’t stopped laughing since. I couldn’t post a reply until now as I have a business to run and don’t have the luxury of being able to fart arse about touting for votes like some people I am recently acquainted with!
Absolutely brilliant part two to my part one! You are a talent, no doubt about it. See you managed to get the bit in about cat shit! By the way, what does your mate Simondo think of all this? I hope he realises it is the work of fiction and that the only reference to him is the name!
9 Sy
// May 22, 2008 at 11:10 am
It came out better then I thought it would. I wrote it after the football last night and had a couple of beers beforehand, so when I read it back this morning, I noticed a couple of bits I needed to add, but too late now! It can stay as it is!
Mr ‘mondo hasnt been to the site yet. It is a periodic thing, so I wont tell him just yet.
So. You voted for me yet MOB? No? Ahhh come on…just once? please?
10 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 22, 2008 at 11:34 am
Actually to be technically correct this is really part three. Part one, where it all germinated from was called, ‘Well the cheek of it!’ Toodlepip!
11 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 22, 2008 at 11:40 am
And nope, I haven’t voted for you yet as what with my low vote count that would be like sticking a loaded gun to my head! You deserve to be in pole position but dear god, for the love of god, I am happy to come in second so I need to catch up with the one who is second – can’t remember the blog name right now – and get past that. So, if I gave a vote away to you I’d be playing Russian roulette – nothing personal old boy. I just never won anything in my life!
12 Sy
// May 22, 2008 at 11:42 am
I guess it is part 3 isnt it!
Yeah, you really need to go past the one in 2nd place. She should not be there at all. Your site is 100 times better then that. I would offer you some of my votes, but yeah, I dont go winning much either so I really need to win it! I probably wont now!
13 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 22, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Understood re the vote thing. I haven’t visited any of the other finalists as I just don’t have the time and I guess I don’t want to see what I am up against! Actually I am not taking this too seriously – it has been a flippin good laugh since it started. I truly mean it when I say that I am delighted to have made the top ten – but coming last would be a bugger though!
14 Sy
// May 22, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Actually, I did visit the other sites, and didnt find much at all going on outside of your site. I think you will take over the other one. Do you know when it ends? I have no idea about all of this!! I do agree, it has been a good laugh, and great that I found a couple of sites I didnt know existed that I will now read on a regular basis!
15 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 22, 2008 at 4:12 pm
No idea when it ends – I was going to ask you that. I’ll stick you on my blogroll when the compo’s over! I’ve sent out a begging email to all of my friends – more than two you know – asking them to vote for me. I didn’t do that until last night because I want to get into number 2. They know I am doing a blog but I only gave my address to two people as I am a bit shy about my pals knowing what I write. So now they all have it and maybe I can call in a few favours because I do a lot for them! We’ll see. I’ve offered incentives of home made Scottish steak and sausage pie – they are quite delicious!
I didpop over to have a read at the current incumbent ad I agree with you. I wont say anything nasty – just that it is very different to what I would consider to be in this category. But then, humour is a very subjective thing.
16 Debs
// May 22, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Hey you guys, I’m very touched by this ongoing relationship, but I think there is something you both should know.
I received a phone call today from Simondo asking if he could come stay in our apartment with his laydee friend Hortence. I explained we only use it for family and Friends and he said they were friends of both you guys! It seems the date went better than he’s letting on! If they do come stay could you ask them to shower before using the pool. No probs with fly spray we use lots here in the summer. We also have the Nolans on DVD that might keep them quiet for a while. Debs x
17 Sy
// May 22, 2008 at 5:31 pm
@MOB – I *think* it is the 2nd June, but that is from hunting about and finding not a whole lot.
home made Scottish steak and sausage pie? Hello! Don’t be shy, there is more then enough to go round. I tell you what, get me up to 80% of the votes and I will vote you in to 2nd place!! No? Can I have the pie anyway….
Yup, the other incumbent…the site is fine, but yeah, maybe a nationality thing…a very different type of humour.
@Debs – HE DID WHAT?!?!! Why the little…I outta….but he….oohhh…he makes my blood boil like a big spot. Don’t let them stay. He has “diseases” you know. Yeah, really. The pool will be uninhabitable for a looooong time. I warned ya! Dont say I didnt!
18 Debs
// May 22, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Sy, I’m not just worried about the pool, I’m sure a truck load more chlorine will do the trick. Farty pants also could turn it into a jacuzzi, might be fun.
I am however a bit concerned about the gaseous exchanges, our septic tank and the odd stray spark. Although I’m sure “Hortensh” would cope admirably without the assistance of the pompier (Fire Brigade) with the combination of excess spital and kitty shitty breath! The fire would be out in no time.
Maybe I’m worrying about it too much, I don’t know. Debs x
19 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 22, 2008 at 6:52 pm
I’ve seen Hortense pee like a rhino in the communual pool. Not a great look and it does something horrible to your skin – sort of looks like sunburned skin peeling after a while. Don’t let her come Debs – she’ll sit on your chairs with bugger all on as she is a rampant nudist and she doesn’t use toilet paper if you get my drift……
20 Mikiye Creations
// May 22, 2008 at 9:32 pm
Oh Man!
I made it through the post…cracking up of course…BUT then as I reach the bottom of the comments…pee like a RHINO!
EEEWWW!!!
as I slurped my last noodle from my bowl of Udon!
…yeah, for lunch!
(I voted)
21 Sy
// May 22, 2008 at 10:28 pm
@Mikiye – I have a feeling the next few posts are going to be best consumed on an empty stomach. That or you are on a diet and are trying to lose weight by reading these posts during your lunch, thus leaving some! As for the vote…as ever Mikiye, you ROCK!
@Debs&MOB – I once saw a rhino pee in a communal pool. You should have see the kids run! The peeing was one thing, but the little follow through…well…there was no need for it. I think he did it on purpose.
I have concerns about his trip away. What if his Ted Bundy tattoo gets used as toilet roll? I mean…the way that she talksh kinda shows she is anything but with it! I might hide his passport. And his glass eye.
22 Debs
// May 23, 2008 at 7:04 am
This rhino pee thing is a little concerning. I believe you can buy rubber sheets for this sort of thing from Ann Summers, just in case she takes the fettish from the swimming pool to the bedroom. Definitely hide the glass eye, the beret wearing frogs will play boules with it. Debs x
23 Sy
// May 23, 2008 at 11:02 am
There is no way a man with a beret is playing with my boules! infact, no man is playing with my boules!
I find with the rubber sheets from AS, that they give me a rash. Ummm…I mean, I hear that they have given people rashes when they are thrashing about on it. Yeah. Thats what i heard.
Now. Where are my marigolds.
24 Debs
// May 23, 2008 at 11:21 am
Bob’s got some very long blue gloves here if you need them! Debs x
25 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 23, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Sy and Debs, what I find strange is that the second place incumbent only gets a few comments on her blog but seems to have been getting enough votes to put her into second place. Yet I get a load of comments and am in third place. Isn’t that kind of strange don’t you think? My hubbie thinks the compo is being rigged so that a Brit and an American come first and second so that they appeal to an international audience…. I can’t help but wonder if something is going on. It makes you think doesn’t it?
26 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 23, 2008 at 12:26 pm
By the way Sy, maybe you should get onto the best of blog awards site and leave another comment. I did earlier and it is a great lace to advertise what is going on here. Debs as done us a big favour here.. Ta hen.
27 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 23, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Place, I meant place!
28 Sy
// May 23, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Nah she is an Aussie. Not an American I think. Actually, it depends on how you look at it. I get a lot of visitors who dont comment. But they are voting for me. You have seen me beg enough! I would love for those who come here and read the site to comment, but it doesn’t happen, even though in the past I have asked them to. My wife reads the site and rarely comments. Same with my Mum and several friends. No idea why! Bless them.
I will get another comment on the BOB site though.
29 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 23, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Perhaps paranoia setting in on our part then! I don’t quite get the reading but not commenting thing but that’s because I always leave a comment on a site where someone has taken the time to write something I appreciate! I must admit I am not a conspiracy theorist – just reacting to the chat with friends up the pub last night!
Saw your comment on the blog site….Good..
30 Sy
// May 23, 2008 at 3:59 pm
I guess I read enough sites that I dont comment on too. It is lucky for stat readers really.
And your chat last night it seems was somewhat drunken!!
31 Menopausloldbag (MOB)
// May 24, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Drunken wasn’t the word for it. I had so much I was bloody well embalmed. Thank you so much for your wonderful generosiy last night. To be second is just great, I am chuffed to bits. The next post is up and a link to your post so people can see each story. Thanks once again Sy, you are a gent.
32 Sy
// May 24, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Just no catching up with me when I am not looking OK!?!?! I will get working on my reply soon!
33 ciara
// May 24, 2008 at 6:05 pm
y’all crack me up!
34 Freelance Guru
// May 25, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Excrutiatingly mean! Good stuff..
Based on the fact that you are kicking my arse in the best of blogs competition, you probably won’t need to take advice from me, but would consider feeding your full feed rather than just excerpts? You’re get even more readers if people can read your blog straight from their feed reader, and people who like what you write will still click here to comment. Plus, as I have god knows how many blogs in my feedreader it would make it a lot easier for people like me to read your blog. Karl explains it better than I can.
Keep up the good work! Loving your writing style
35 Sy
// May 25, 2008 at 10:00 pm
I have it set to part as standard, and to be honest, I have no idea how many people even have it in their reader! It is one of those things I have never really bothered about following up on. I will change it though, as I like to know my readers are happy with the feed.
The only down side to that is that I like this site to be interactive. The down side to RSS is that people read something and then dont come to the site. No comments are left and it is not known if the content is good or not. A lot of the stuff that happens on this site happens after the post. The comment section is where it gets better and better, but RSS removes that interaction. Of course, I would rather have 10 readers who dont comment instead of not having 10 readers at all.
36 The morning after the night before. // May 25, 2008 at 10:35 pm
[...] The perfect date…is not this one. [...]
37 Freelance Guru
// May 26, 2008 at 8:07 am
Re RSS, it’s actually not true about the comments.
People only comment because they like what you write not because they end up the comment page. If people want to comment they still will.
It won’t make any difference to your comments,and if it does, change it back. I may be a guru, but I’m just a man!
38 Hortense & Simondo escape from Blighty // May 31, 2008 at 11:31 pm
[...] wont mean a thing to you. You can catch up starting with THIS story by MOB followed by my story HERE which ended in THISreply. This is the next story in this…erm…I dunno. What can you [...]
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