With all the merriment recently, I haven’t given you an update on what happens in the world of me. So I thought you might want to know. But then, you might not. But either way, Mikiye…put your sandwich down. So here is the state of the house at the moment:
I live with 1 poop challenged cat. 4 eight week old psycho kittens. 1 schizophrenic parrot. 1 pregnant oompah loompah wannabe lookalike – the original looking ones, not the remake one. But she doesn’t have green hair. The orange skin colour? Well…as I said, she doesn’t have green hair.
Just recently, the house has turned in to a war zone. There are a few fronts, labelled by offense.
The first offensive. I did it. You sort it.
The cat has taken to standing in her litter tray, having a good dig around and then leaning her behind over the edge of the tray and crapping on the floor. If I am not in the room, she makes a feeble attempt to cover it up. Recently, this is by pulling whatever is on the floor towards it, which in some instances will be one of the kittens. But then, they are fluffy and may well do the job.. Therefore, I have told my wife she is forbidden from standing near the cat when the cat is having a good empty. This is because I don’t want to come home from work to see my wife plastered to the floor via the glue that is cat crap.
But if I am in the room, she looks at me, meows and then drops her lunch on the floor. Meows again and walks off. I have deciphered the 2 meows. The first one is “Hey, fat boy, I got a little something heading your way in a few seconds!” and the second is “Yeah, see. You clean that up. I have other things to do, and anyway….it stinks.” and off she goes. Leaving something that I do believe has had steam coming out of it on at least 2 occasions recently. I have myself to blame I guess. I feed her. But I feed her cat food. Not dead festering skunk, so why the hell does it smell so bad!
The second offensive: We will fight them on the hills.
The kittens sleep a lot. Unless myself and Mrs Sy are in bed. At which point, we become a battleground. I think they use both of us because Mrs Sy is 7 months pregnant, so she has an impressive bump coming along. I on the otherhand have an impressive beer gut.
So they seem to play “Take the hill”. 2 of them stand on our stomachs and the other 2 see who can get to the top of the hill fastest by any means possible. Blood is spilt, screams are let out and eventually there is a winner. Unfortunately it is me and Mrs Sy whose blood is spilt and who scream. “Take no prisoners” is not lost on them. My wife looks like a self harmer. It isn’t pretty. Her arms are covered in cuts. As for me, I just look stupid. It didn’t take the kittens to make that one happen.
When they reach the top of the hill, they generally jump about to celebrate and then jump on our heads. Or bite on my ears. At first, it was nice. The nibbling, gentle biting and licking. I loved it. I told my wife to never stop. She then told me she wasn’t doing it. I then felt ill for enjoying the pleasurable feeling of a kitten biting my ears. These days I just don’t tell her they are doing it.
The thid offensive: Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow.
The parrot thinks he is a cat. He meows constantly. If he doesn’t meow, he screeches. But that is OK, he only does that if I am at work. When he used to misbehave before, so I got a water squirter and sprayed him. Then he got smart. He would hide behind a toy and then make the annoying noise and keep peeking his head out. So I need something to make him stand still and then I can spray the little git when he makes the annoying screeching noises. I have decided that I will stand him in the glue that is the cat poop. But it is poor unfortunate Mrs Sy that has the bad side of the meowing bird. When I am not there, he drives her mad. I need ideas as to what to have for a side dish that goes with the parrot. Actually, do we roast him or saute him or go for legs, wings and breast meat separately? So many decisions. I do know that I will be selling a genuine parrot feather hat soon though. Any bids?
The last offensive. I might not be tall, but goddamn you I am pregnant and I will have you for it.
Actually, I shall be nice here. Maybe a little too nice. Is it because I am scared of her? Well, you decide. With two months until sprogly is born, Mrs Sy, the self confessed oompa loompa is more then enjoying her pregnancy. She hasn’t had any weird cravings because she has always eaten fried slug. Luckily, with this being England we get a lot of rain and so they are in abundance. She has not had any wild mood swings brought on by the pregnancy. None. At all. (Is that OK Mrs Sy? Convincing enough that they wont work out that you told me to write it? OWWW!! No stop it…STOP IT!! My arm!! *break*)
For reasons beyond my control, I am now typing with one hand. And no, I don’t expect any comments about 1 handed surfing thankyouverymuch. Hey, you are reading it afterall.
So there you have it. The state of play in my house at the moment. And people wonder why I blog. You lot reading this are as close to normality that I get. Yeah. You.
What’s that? Another plate of slugs? Coming right up wifey!
Thank you so much to all of you that have VOTED and are continuing to vote for me. Your click vote love is extremely appreciated and the finish line is in site, so please please PLEASE (insert more begging here…imagine me begging!) hit that vote button once every 24 hours! You peeps rule.
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28 responses so far ↓
1 don
// May 26, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Sy, you give new meaning to “Cat Fancier” and it ain’t pretty.
2 Sy
// May 27, 2008 at 12:02 am
Thank you Don! It is a title I will graciously take…and probably pass on to someone else as quickly as possible before people with pitchforks come along!
3 Mrs T
// May 27, 2008 at 12:56 am
Well, I might as well tell you the story of my pussy.
(It’s black and furry by the way.)
..And I got it the day I left my job 17 years ago to marry Mr T. Miss D, as she is known then, is given lots of gifts by her colleagues but there is one more! Miss D is thrilled..at last.. the hunky strip-o-gram!! Yum, yum.
Alas, no – it is a kitten.. which unfortunately sleeps in her bed the night before the wedding and scratches her back to bits which is a tad embarrassing as Miss D has a backless wedding dress….(maiden aunts not impressed.)
Once they start pooping out of the tray there’s no stopping them. Forget the hill, think D Day; anti tank guns and bazooka firing 100% pure poop. Hell hath no fury like a cat on a poop mission. Just you wait till they start ******* on the television too. Don’t ask how or why… (although still not entirely sure it’s not Mr T sleep walking again.)..The resulting smell makes those nappy adverts very realistic….
As for the parrot..I recommend a double bore shotgun; quick and easy. I’ll give you ten quid for the hat. (Less if there’e blood stains.)
4 Sy
// May 27, 2008 at 2:30 am
There is more then enough crap on TV without the need to have my cat add to it. Although I guess that is the one and only lot of crap I will make an effort to deal with!
Nah, the double bore would mean there is nothing left of Mr Parrot. I need enough left to make a tasty meal out of it!
ten quid? This is genuine parrot feathers and hand made by myself. I need more then a tenner!
5 menopausaloldbag (MOB)
// May 27, 2008 at 5:41 am
Dear God – it’s bedlam round at your place. You’d be get more peace sharing the cell with Hortense.
Cat poop – my old girl uses the litter tray and never makes a mess. But, next doors fecking cat shits on or front lawn. Clearly they don’t have a litter tray – tight bastards – and are happy for their cat to leave jobbies all over everyone else’s lawns and vegetable patches. My husband flicks the turds back onto their front lawn when he’s doing the poop run before cutting the grass. One day a turd will no doubt land on the old git’s neck from next door as he’s bending down weeding or summat and doesn’t see the flying turd heading in his direction! What goes around comes around!
6 Freelance Guru
// May 27, 2008 at 6:42 am
Look. If you’re going to have so many animals (including the oompa Loompa) in your house then you’re obviously an attention junkie! They’re just trying to fulfill your needs
7 Sy
// May 27, 2008 at 2:06 pm
@MOB – At least Hortense has a cell that is padded! That surely adds extra points on!
Ooohh…any chance you can set up a camera so the day that the poop lands on him and he looks around for a huge seagull or something, it is a moment you can send to that god awful tv show where you send in clips and we can share the winnings!
@Mr Guru – Mate…when you have the needs I have, you need all the attention you can get. They arent even half way there, which is why I need to get the 7 dwarves on board to boost my ego a little more.
Now. I am off to play with my needs.
8 Debs
// May 27, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Sy, My three year old cat Patapouf (French for soft and floppy, I named him after my ex.) Suckles my neck, much to Bob’s amusement. Kitten doing it, cute, but a cat the size of a medium dog, with claws like razors is not good. He also does the “tummy island” thing when you are in the bath, he washes the dirt off his paws, nice clean paws but I end up with grit up my arse.
On a more serious note, don’t let wifey near the cat poop, it’s not good for pregnant woman to be close to. Debs x
9 Sy
// May 27, 2008 at 5:07 pm
Patapouf? I shall remember that one! A good insult! “Oi…ya big Patapouf!” I dunno about the kitten bit. The claws are something else on these kittens. I now have a great slash on my nose from trying to sleep today while they played capture the hill again.
Nah wifey doesnt go neat the poop. That is my domain.
10 Kelly
// May 27, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Hilarious fun for one and all! I feel for ya, Sy.
3 cheers for cat poopy. I know how it is. Many a mornin’ have I stepped on a nice, warm squishy kitty turd. Which reminds me, I have to clean the litter pan. Its been six freaking days!
11 Lee
// May 27, 2008 at 10:27 pm
The kittens have now decided that my handbag is their new favourite toy. I’m a little bit worried though that its always the boys more than the girls. But I did see one of the girls sporting a new lipstick earlier. Very pretty.
12 Rose
// May 27, 2008 at 10:56 pm
How’s the arm? Your wife looks like a oompah loompah ? She should hit you twice for that remark.
13 Sy
// May 27, 2008 at 11:02 pm
In my defense…wifey is the person who commented above your comment Rose. And as you can see, she didnt give me any grief. This is because she told me she looked like an oompag loompah!! So I am in the safe on this one. Which is rare!
And I have to agree. One of the kittens does wear lippy. One of the boys isnt too sure what he is supposed to be!
14 Mikiye Creations
// May 27, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Sy, THANK YOU for the heads up on this one…but wouldn’t you know it, I got all caught up on Tamara’s recent post and finished my bowl of Udon just as I clicked over to you.
LOL!!!
But yes, I would definitely have been grossed out with all the cat poop chatter!
OH, I have one of the pooper trays that has a top on it. Maybe that might help? There’s a reason they do that…I can’t remember where I read it. I think the pet specialist says they get stressed out or something due to change or stress in their environment. Especially if this is a sudden NEW thing she’s doing…darn if I can’t remember what they said to remedy it though. Sorry.
MOB,
Sprinkle a TON OF black PEPPER OVER YOUR LAWN!!!! Cats HATE that and they won’t potty on your lawn anymore! Plus, it won’t damage the lawn or any animals. It’s a GREAT TRICK my family would do when we had neighborhood treats left on our lawn!
Totally stopped.
Geeze, My Mom HAD an African Grey…HATED that thing…and I am an animal lover…bird nearly took my finger off once. It was EVIL! It would sound like my Mom’s voice and call her kitten over to the cage, “…here kitty kitty…*smacking noise*” and when the kitten got close to the cage it took a DIVE AT THE KITTEN!!!! Sharp beak and all! I couldn’t believe it! EVIL!
I had to house sit and when I went to change the water it bit though my watch band! I was thankful it wasn’t my finger! Seriously, it could have easily bitten though my finger…after that I always threated to cook “chicken” for dinner..yeah, “chicken”…
15 Sy
// May 27, 2008 at 11:44 pm
Zorro is an African Grey! He does much the same. He calls the cat over, but the cat doesnt respond. Although she has often almost lost half her tail to him. And yeah, I have lost much flesh to him too!
Wifey has commented in this post so I wont mention too much about cooking him!!! But lets just say the idea is there… Gas mark 7 for 35 minutes apparently.
16 Mikiye Creations
// May 28, 2008 at 4:09 am
LMAO!!!
Apparently he would make the sound of the telephone when my sister still lived at home…and she would get SO MAD because he would watch her go pick up the phone…”Hello?” (in her voice) and then she would realize it was the BIRD! She said that use to tick her off!
OH!
THE WORST and funny story…the same house sitting time…I was ALONE in the house and never really stayed there alone and of course realized that most of the windows in the living room didn’t have curtains. (at the time) I had to be in my early 20’s…sitting in this relatively big dark house…ALONE…and out of NO WHERE BARELY audible….I hear……”hhhhhhhellllloooooooo….”
At first I shrugged it off. BUT then I THINK I hear something…..”hhhhhhhhhhheelllllllllllloooooooo”…
I SWEAR I ABOUT JUMPED OUT OF MY SKIN!
Now, I didn’t realize the parrot could TALK and sound like a REAL PERSON back then!
So I thought I was in one of those horror movies for about 30 seconds! Then I realized it was the feathered demon!! Yeah, I kid you not, I saw its ONE EYE through the hole it tore through its cover over the cage!
TOTALLY SCARED ME!
My Mother got a kick out of the story when they got home…yeah, my sister and I kept telling them just wait till WE make dinner for them!
17 Sy
// May 28, 2008 at 5:19 am
Dammit. Missed out your reply Kelly!
6 days? By now, they would be walking out of the tray looking to bury themselves at my place! 5 cats and 1 tray…if that dont get sorted out daily, it isnt a pretty site!!
18 menopausaloldbag (MOB)
// May 28, 2008 at 5:48 am
Mikiye – that story about your mother’s parrot is just too much! Especially the spooky whispering stuff – crikey what a clever if mendacious bird!
I’ll try the black pepper suggestion but I think my husband actually likes lobbing the turds airwards back into the old fart’s garden. Seriously, I found a solution of using deap heat spray on tea bags and placing them in the garden but the neighbours think the bloody Clampets have moved in given the amount of t bag debris there is in the front garden. The pepper sounds like a much better solution – less obvious!
19 Mikiye Creations
// May 28, 2008 at 7:40 am
MOB,
Yeah, we stopped the poop patrol on our yard anyway from doing that with the pepper.
Sy, I had to log back in today and so I voted again!
20 Mikiye Creations
// May 28, 2008 at 7:44 am
OH!
That bird was a terror to all of us except my Mom!
…well, it would call my Mom with my sisters voice until my Mom would end up YELLING, “WHAT CHAR?!!!!” and then she’d realize it was th bird…or I thought it was funny when it would use my Mom’s voice and tell her husband, “Vince, shut the damn door!” Always when he’d come in from the garage to the house…and yeah, he’d leave the door open.
It’s TOTALLY CRAZY how they sound EXACTLY like the person they are mimicking.
21 Debs
// May 28, 2008 at 11:31 am
Deep heat spray is great, I used it in my ex husband’s underpants, worked a treat!
22 Tamera
// May 28, 2008 at 4:40 pm
ROFL! This IS the laugh of the week, and I needed it, Sy. Thanks, and I put in a vote.
23 Rose
// May 28, 2008 at 5:32 pm
You’re lucky. lol
24 TheMovie Whore
// May 28, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Finally some one with more crazy pets than me.
Fear the wife. Fear any pregnant woman. They can get extremely mean if not treated well.
25 Gareth
// May 30, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Glad to hear the kittens are getting on well!
Not long for your wife now. You got everything ready now? We’ve got just under five weeks to go now, so it could be anytime now that we have a new arrival.
Good luck with it all.
26 Sy
// May 31, 2008 at 11:02 am
Mikiye – Our parrot has almost the same charateristics. He has bonded with wofey so she gets away a lot better then me when it comes to getting chewed on.
As for deep heat in the underpants Debs, I once (during my younger fitter days) came home from the gym and could feel my thigh tightening. So I did get out said deep heat…and sprayed it. But the nozzle was facing the wrong way. I sat in a cold bath and still it burnt. They werent tears of joy, that I can tell you!
Jim, they are all freakin nuts! But then, would you want a “normal” pet? Thing how boring that would be if you didnt have to spend your entire day watching out for what they are going to destroy next! The last thing to bite the bullet was my microphone (and no it doesnt get used for karaoke!). They chewed through the lead!
Hey Gareth! Nope. Not even mildly ready. Well, kinda. You know…when I think we are getting somewhere, it allll goes back a few steps. But it is all good. It will all be ready very soon. How about you guys? Everything all OK??
27 Mrs T
// Jun 2, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Oh Lord.. I actually did smear a large quantity of Deep Heat over Mr T’s buttocks in my medical youth…(now I read the instructions) he has never, ever forgiven me… and of course there was the time I dropped a beer can on his assets after he had his vascetomy…..
28 Sy
// Jun 2, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I crossed my legs at even the thought of the beer can!!!
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