Ahhh yes.  Search engines.  Searchy little engines.  Engines of the search.  And the post material that they bring.  Today’s batch is the pick of the last 72 hours worth of hits. 

For the uninitiated, the words in the ” ” are the exact search engine phrase.  The rest is just a little sumpfin sumpfin I added.

Dear Sy: What are “sexy things to say to a intimate person”

Uncle Sy Says: This is always a tough one as each person likes something different.  But the universal phrases of ‘I wanna take you for a ride in my combined harvester’ and ‘Will you spank my arse and call me Winston’ whispered in his ear will work every time.  Trust me on this one.  Have I ever steered you wrong before?

Dear Sy: I am looking for “wheelturninghamsterdead”.  What should I do when I have found it?

Uncle Sy Says:  Ahh yes.  I know the site very well.  I suggest going HERE and voting for WheelTurningHamsterDead and all will be well with the world!  If you don’t, karma will come for you.  Is that a threat?  No…but you shouldn’t mess with karma my friend.

Dear Sy: My “hamster is unable to pass wind ”

Uncle Sy Says:  You sniff your hamsters farts on a regular basis or you just like the sound of them?  What one is it?  Look, you can get these tiny whoopee cushions which when the hamster sits down, will make the noise.  If it is the smell you like, I suggest smearing your body in out of date sardines which have been left in the sun for 3 days.  People will want to be you and smell like you.  It’s a winner my friend!

Dear Sy: “is cheese spiritual”

Uncle Sy Says:  Yup.  I am Lord Cheeso of the planet Cheezine.  Kneel before me freaks.  Smell my cheese!  Taste my cheese!  YOU ALL WANY MY CHEEEEESE!

Dear Sy: “what do i do after hamster dead?”

Uncle Sy Says:  Cry like a big girl for 37 minutes and then go buy a real pet. 

Dear Sy: “my hamster has a weird lump on his chin”

Uncle Sy Says:  I’ve got two legs and a hairy chest.  What makes you think your hamster is so special?  Huh?  Yeah I thought so.

Dear Sy: Can you tell me about “a hamster that is wearing a space hamster”?

Uncle Sy Says:  Huh?  a hamster that is wearing a space hamster?  That doesn’t even make any sense!  How about you wear a hamster suit and then go to the ‘We love hamsters in a way humans shouldnt’ party at number 56 and see what happens.

Dear Sy: “how do you know what a hamster is feeling”?

Uncle Sy Says:  Look what the damn thing is holding!  Geez.  Is your wife holding a carrot?  Yes?  Then she is feeling a carrot.  Who died and made you the village idiot?

Dear Sy: What happens if I put the “hamster wheel back to front”?

Uncle Sy Says:  The hamster will run forwards but spin backwards.  Oh gravity…how you tease us with your silly tricks!

Dear Sy: “i choke it to death”

Uncle Sy Says:  What goes around comes around my friend!  On day your penis will grow arms of its own and will come looking for you when you least expect it.  That or your mate Dirty Dave will unleash his on you while you sleep in a drunken stooper.

Dear Sy:  I really love “sniffing sweaty socks”.  What do you love to sniff?

Uncle Sy Says:  Foreigners.  When they aren’t expecting it.  How I giggle as I sneak up and give them a damn good sniff!  I had to stop for a while due to a bloody nose, but I fixed that by learning to run faster.

© 2008, Sy. All rights reserved.