Things I have found out from recent Antenatal classes, when me, a man (honest!) got to sit in a room full of hormonal women, and got really scared.
After the birth, whenever my wife sits down, do not talk to her about anything she needs to know for at least 3 minutes, as it is highly likely she will be doing her Pelvic Floor Muscle exercises. She wont be listening to me, she will instead be clenching things and counting how many, and slooowly release, and then tightening, and repeat. I will be using this time to talk about football, work and asking how her Pelvic Floor Muscle exercises are going, as she wont be listening to me. (The more I think about this, the more I think she may have been doing these exercises since we met…)
Women are always expecting it to be a couple of inches bigger then what you give them in everything in life. It seems that Cosmopolitan even tells women how big an epidural needles size should be. “ooohh…I was expecting a lot more!” one woman said. And then a few years later, it was echoed in an antenatal class. Oh cruel world, why do you hate me so. I didn’t even know the woman. Have all my ex’s been talking about me? I googled “Sy’s tiny penis”, but all I found was a story about Wall Street becoming a Linux Stronghold. Really!
I should wear a nice light cotton shirt during the birth. This is because it gets warm in there and I may be there some time. Oh yeah, for sure. That was written by a bitter woman if anything ever was. Well, toooooo bad. I got my full armour body suit already ordered. I have gone for the deluxe model which has an open crotch (because it can get warm down there you know!), and has a sensor, which means every time wifey reaches for my MummyDaddy department, a shutter will come down and stop any Michael Jackson on Helium voices I may acquire from her grabbing a handful of my goodies.
I am not allowed to faint. But my wife wants me to watch the birth, and if my body armour crotch protector fails, she may well have her way. I have fond memories which I like to think about when I am alone. I am not sure how much my memories will be tainted by seeing this. I am going to take in a camera, and take photos and look later. When I am sitting down. And alone. And can’t be pointed and laughed at and called a wimp when I say “Ohhh….nooo….no not there…but that is….I miss you. *sniff*”
Are any of you in PR? I may have a story to tell. The story of a man who had his testicles reattached after the birth of his child. A time when a man cried for a good reason (his first child being born) and a bad reason (the removal of “the lads” from his body). The story of a woman who played “Hide the sausage” with her husband privates in a very less then erotic way. I am figuring that the UK is too small a market, so if you are in the States and are in PR, drop me a comment letting me know your prices. It is going to be a best seller. Don’t miss out now!
In fact, even if you aren’t in PR, just leave a comment saying hello! You can do it anonymously. Give a fake email address in the comments section. It is not like it gets used anyway (WordPress has it there by default for some really stupid reason), and would be good to hear from you all. Especially you.
11 responses so far ↓
1 Rose
// Jun 27, 2008 at 1:59 am
Have you not heard of painless childbirth hypnosis? lol You could always wear a giant penis costume when she goes into labor.
2 Mrs T
// Jun 27, 2008 at 7:09 am
Actually..your article is coming up now..twice! Your tiny penis is now world famous… Stop bringing shame and humilation to Mrs Sy at this crucial time when she rest and relaxation! I did notice that that your article is coming up to one about a penis enlargement pill…. maybe you should give a try!! Poor, poor Mrs Sy what she has to put up with (or not as the case may be)!
You’ve given me an idea though…I’m gonna google Jane’s Big Arse and see what comes up…
3 Sy
// Jun 27, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Actually Rose…while at a baby expo thingie the other week, someone approached us. Told us it was a 10 week course or something, which means wifey would be holding her legs together longer then planned, and the kid would be nearer it’s first birthday when she finally comes out. And I think you are going to need a lot more then hypnotherapy to give birth to a 1 year old child! I have bought the material for the costume though!
Ahh yes. Mrs T. Sticking up for Mrs Sy instead of me huh? I should have expected it I guess. I did google various other phrases, but I just cant let the general public find my sorded search results.
Now, if I eat a lot of fatty foods, and then act like an idiot, that would be the same as a penis enlargement wouldnt it?
Strangely, when I was in South Africa with wifey doing a see the family trip, I saw guys in the shopping malls with signs saying “Read your horoscope and Penis Enlargement here”. I am guessing they dont read my palm, but instead stroke something else and then say “HA! Job done. Give me all your money or I will stab you”
4 don
// Jun 28, 2008 at 12:08 am
Helpful hint #23.
Be sure to bring a spare fashion dummy arm with you and make sure that arm is covered with a sleeve that matches the shirt you are wearing.
My laborious wife managed to make the nail of her thumb meet the nails of her fingers somewhere between my radius and ulna.
5 The Movie Whore
// Jun 28, 2008 at 12:21 am
Look it’s a penis only smaller, no wait even worse it’s Sy.
Really man you want to give that kind of ammo to work with.
How much longer til she squeezes the little sucker out?
6 Sy
// Jun 29, 2008 at 1:09 am
I hear ya Don. I am staying at arms length, and not offering any arms or eye sockets for her to take advantage of!
I couldnt help it Jim… I had to give you a fighting head chance. She is due to drop on July 28th. So not too long at all now. This site will be fast asleep for the whole of August me thinks!
Anyone want to stand in and write the posts for a few weeks? No? Come on…
7 menopausaloldbag (MOB)
// Jun 29, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Dear Sy – what are you worried about? After the birth, hell will freeze over first before Mrs Sy ever lets you have marital relations again – well at least for a very long time. The grabbing of your small collection of family jewels is two fold. 1) She will need to make sure that you are empathising something of the pain she may be feeling. You will share a closer and more fruitful bond if you too suffer some kind of repeated injury during several hours of contractions. 2) Given that you wont be getting any nookie from new mother with baby, the crushing of your genitalia ensures that you do not go looking elsewhere. You will not be in any kind of shape to do so and as such, Mrs Sy can be sure of your continued fidelity and devotion.
Enjoy!
P.S. Take alcohol in and secrete upon your body. It will dull the pain.
8 Debs
// Jun 29, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Yikes , not long now Sy! You’ll have a little syessta right in front of your eyes. We want photos and lots of them. Not of the labouring, just the bits after that smell of johnson’s baby shampoo and talc. Ooh I love that smell. You see I can blog about shit till the horses come home, but give me a baby and I’m weak at the knees. All the best to the three of you. Debs & Bob
9 Sy
// Jul 2, 2008 at 12:58 am
@MOB – You paint such an exciting picture there! Thanks! See, I intend to take miniatures with me to help my wife during labour. I say such nice things when i am drunk you see. I ooze charm. Well, I ooze something anyway…
@DEBS – Photos? Of my little girl? Hmmm…I will see. I may be the doting Dad when she comes, but I dont know…I will have to get her to sign a consent form! I will send out samples by post of the smell should anyone want one. It will of course contain the smell of the nappy!!
10 Niks
// Feb 8, 2009 at 2:33 pm
MummyDaddy department? xP
I just started reading your blog recently and love your stuff, Sy. Keep up the good work. ;3
11 Sy
// Feb 9, 2009 at 11:33 am
Hey Niks! Welcome aboard! Great to have you here!
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