*ring ring* Phone displays “Wifey Calling”. Actually, I started off with a blatant lie. My phone doesn’t go ring ring. It plays a song called On March the Saints by a band called DOWN. You should go listen to the track, and report back to me telling me how awesome I am for introducing that song to you. I am sure you can get a clip on the amazon website or something. I wont tell you the name of the album. Work for your money will you.
“Heeeello”, I say in a romantic sexual voice. Think Daffy Duck meets blender. It was 2am on a sleepy nightshift after all.
“Hey, it is me. Ummm…we have been burgled. You don’t have to come home, I am here with a load of firemen while we wait for the police to arrive.” she replies in a quite calm voice. Thinking back, it may have been more of a “I am here with a load of firemen. On my own. If only I wasn’t 8 months pregnant!!” kind of voice.
So my wife is alone with a bunch of firemen and telling me to not go home?
Shortly after, I drove home at the speed limit. I am not sure what countries speed limits I was following, but I am sure they exist. I mean, my wife is standing there with a load of firemen late at night on her own. A woman’s dream. we had just been burgled.
Sadly, this is actually a true story. She was indeed standing in the garden surrounded by firemen. Erm. I mean we had been burgled. Actually, even worse, it only happened 8 months ago, and was the content for the very first post on this site. I have been burgled twice in my life. Both in the last 8 months. Both by maybe the same people, who are incredibly stupid…as you will see.
Strangely, as per the very first post I wrote, there were a lot of similarities. I will list them in order of importance:
1 – They stole an empty bottle of whisky (it was in a box). It was standing next to an expensive bottle of whisky. I have determined this is due to anti-drinking campaigns being a success. And to make them look hard in front of their mates by saying “I drank a whole bottle and am still standing”.
2 – They stole an EMPTY bottle of whisky. Yeah, I know I said that for the 1st one, but holy hell. How stupid are people these days.
3 – No really. It was empty. They picked up an empty bottle next to lots of full ones and legged it. How brain numbingly stupid do you have to be? Sadly, about 15 years old, kind of reeeally stupid looking and have the future of an asthmatic ant entering the 100m dash. Nothing. Nada. Squit diddly going on in the head.
How do I know this? Well, I saw them leaving when I was doing the speed limit on the way home, and when I got home, an eyewitness told me what they looked like. Me, being able to count to an impressive 2, put 1 and 1 together. Sadly, part of my job is that I am not allowed a criminal record, so when I went after them, it was lucky I didn’t see them again. Your trusty site writer was not a bunny of the happy variety.
So anyway. Back to the firemen and my wife. “Oh. Why did you come home? I told you not to!” she said to me. Dressed in nothing but a black sexy negligee.
OK, so maybe that part didn’t happen (the being dressed in a negligee bit). But I could read her mind! I saw the look in her eyes! I knew exactly what she was thinking. I know this because I remember when the coachload of playboy bunnies broke down in front of my house, and I begged my wife to leave for the day to make space in the house for them to put their feet up, and being a warm day, I got the hose out and offered to help cool them down. I am of course sensible and not a pervert, so I offered them all white t-shirts to wear instead of getting their own clothes wet, or end up naked. See, I was doing a good deed. She had nothing but naughty thoughts with the firemen.
I don’t know who is worse. The inept burglar idiots, or my wife’s dirty DIRTY mind. You know, I am going to ring the playboy bunnies up and ask them to come round and help me decide. They were so helpful and insightful, and according to every single one of them, they want world peace.
© 2008, Sy. All rights reserved.
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13 responses so far ↓
1 The Movie Whore
// Jul 2, 2008 at 12:49 am
Those are some stupid thieves.
2 Sy
// Jul 2, 2008 at 12:52 am
Yup. I think the name of this site is a testament to their whole being!
3 menopausaloldbag (MOB)
// Jul 2, 2008 at 2:35 am
Complete and utter arseholes. What bad luck old boy. I don’t understand why you had firemen there instead of cops? Did Mrs Sy just phone them for the hell of it whilst she waited for the cops to finish doing paperwork before ambling by on their way to Maccie D’s for a meal break?
Next time have vodka bottles in the house but have them filled with piss. That should be nice for the wee b’stards when they take a big swig after running away.
4 Sy
// Jul 2, 2008 at 2:40 am
Why are you up! It is the middle of the night and only us sad night shift people should be up!
Now. there is a lot more to the story which I didnt put. They had set fire to a shed a few doors away which is what alterted her that stuff was going on outside, and that is when she realised they were breaking in to the house. So she went to the firemen and they called the police. I was about as confused when she rang saying that there were firemen there and not the police!
We have miniatures in there on a display. Shame they didnt take them…they are filled with tea!
But yeah, I am hoping I am there and armed with a effing big bat if they ever come back and I will convince them that they shouldnt be there by a showing them a mass amount of bleeding from their bodies.
5 Mrs T
// Jul 2, 2008 at 9:38 pm
Now I’m curious why do you have minatures filled with tea? Is that tea or tea leaves? For what purpose?.. Some strange aphrodiscal potion for attracting hamsters?
Mrs Sy has been most fortunate; I call those fireman out every week and they never turn up. Do you think it’s my towelling dressing gown and winceyette pjs? Maybe I should try the black neglige thingy(and possibly a 3 stone weight loss)
So they stole an empty whisky bottle?
Really? They stole an empty whisky bottle?
Who would have believed it – stealing an empty whisky bottle?
Sounds like they had a habit of repeating themselves.
6 Sy
// Jul 2, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Well, the miniatures have been drank. But the bottles look great as part of the decoration, so fill them with tea and it makes them loo like they are real
Perhaps you should put a doyley on your head. It will make you look awfully intelligent.
I just cant believe that they stole an empty bottle which stood next to a bottle of johnny walker blue label. how?! Well, obviously we know how. Because they are a worthless bunch of retards.
7 Rose
// Jul 3, 2008 at 2:40 am
They really stoled an empty bottle? You got to be joking. This falls under stupid criminals.
By chance did your wife get a photo of the firemen?
8 Sy
// Jul 3, 2008 at 2:45 am
They really did. It was in a box, so they stole a box with an empty bottle and not the bottles where you could see the liquid. If I wasnt so annoyed at having to buy new locks and fit them and fix my door, I would really laugh a lot more, but instead, I paid out money because some teenage idiot stole some air!
Ummm…well she hasnt told me she got a photo, but I am not going to say there is no photo as she may be storing it in a secret stash somewhere! I will enquire during childbirth. What is the worst that could happen!
9 Mrs T
// Jul 3, 2008 at 6:00 am
Just a quick question… were they wearing G strings on their heads?
10 don
// Jul 3, 2008 at 6:13 am
Sy you fool! For crying out loud, you live in England.
Every single spy movie I ever saw, every international thriller I’ve read is always based in England. At least half of those “Firemen” had to be from MI6 or 7 or whatever number Q or T is using these days. Frisk your wife dude! She’s probably counter-intelligence!
Tell me. where did you get that bottle? A gift from a one-eyed man with a peg leg perhaps?
A frightened but beautiful Catholic nun in mesh stockings begging you to keep it safe?
Geez! And you call yourself English!
11 Sy
// Jul 5, 2008 at 5:18 pm
@Mrs T – Umm…that is a good question! I don’t believe they were becuase I didnt leave my washing out.
@Don – Dammit. You know, I think you may have a point there! I have been trying to frisk my wife, but all I hear is “Get your damn hands of me…” which is somewhat kinder then the words I believe I am going to hear when she is in labour!
Ah yes. See, the bottle was in a nice box, thus they didnt know it was empty. We have since decided that a bottle will be filled half way up with strong tea (for the colouring) and then watered down with urine and paint stripper for that added kick. so if they do it again, I will find them in hospital.
12 Tamera
// Jul 8, 2008 at 2:03 am
*scratching head*…you really lost me on this one. That is, the subject of the story. Hey! I used to have an elderly patient at almost 200 kilos that used to throw herself on the floor just to get the firemen out to help her up. She loved a good flirt. Not that I’m saying that Mrs. Sy has reached that point in her pregnancy, or anything of that…..ummm…ehhh. Okay. I’ll shut up now.
13 Sy
// Jul 8, 2008 at 10:02 am
Ahh yeah, the title is because the 1st post was about being burgled, and now this one is…so I have gone full circle and back to the original content of the first post!
200Kg? Holy hell! So she had a little extra weight then?
I do think Mrs Sy has reached that stage in her pregnancy. I dont know if she fancies anything that moves yet, but she does ask me to sit very still recently.
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