A while ago I wrote a post about a camel beauty pageant. I would put a link to it here…but that would involve me finding it. Therefore, think of the fun you can have looking for it yourself!
Alternatively you can read this one which is not about a camel. Instead, it is about a cow.
Well, lots of cows. And they are pretty.
To some people. Not to me.
For instance, the religion Hinduism worship cows. I like to eat steaks. The two couldn’t be further apart. But lets take it one step further. Lets give a medal to the prettiest one.
Really.
Yes, in Ireland, there is a yearly contest where I guess the farmers look at their prettiest cow’s, and enter them in to a competition. They get points for:
- Shapely legs
- Nice back
- Nice Udders
- Temperament
It doesn’t say if the winner gets turned in to dinner, or if it becomes a deity though.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Each to their own and all that, but how is this calculated? Is the temperament looked at before they go and grab a handful of her udders, during the cupping and fondling of the udders or when you don’t call her back the next morning? Because that is a wide range of temperament.
Or maybe they do all three? “yes, she was fine when I was buying her a drink at the bar, and then all the time I was fondling her udders, but I didn’t call her the next day and she went mad. You lose 5 points for this, as I never said I would call her”.
And “Nice Udders”? What constitutes “Nice Udders”? Is it the quality of the milk? The shape of the udders, the way they swing when she walks? The colour? And just how do they do this? All stand around with clipboards saying “ohhh yes. Lovely udders. Very swingy while having a good firmness to them” as they grab them? Or do they put the cow on a vibrating machine to check the consistency of the udders under the pressure of vibration? Do they lose points in this instance for their milk becoming milkshake?
“Nice Back”. Of course it has. Are we talking “Back” or “Behind” here? Because if I was a cow (which hey, if I ever take up buddhism, I may well decide to come back as one just to tease you all), I would have issues with a bunch of blokes looking at my rear. I would be making comments about being more then just a piece of meat!
You know, none of this makes any sense. So I have decided to start my own “beauty contest”. It involves money. I for instance have a VERY pretty £50 note in my wallet. Personally I think it is the prettiest £50 note ever, and will never be beaten. Do you think you have a better one? Well you send me it and lets see who is right! Sadly I can’t guarantee that the money will be returned, but hey, if you win the award why would you care! You too could get a certificate from me to put on your wall!
If we get enough entrants, I will let you come for a party aboard my new boat.*
Oh, and if you feel the need to see a video about the pretty cows, go HERE. Perv.
* – I need about 2000 entrants so don’t be shy…tell ALLLLL your friends!
© 2008, Sy. All rights reserved.
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13 responses so far ↓
1 The Movie Whore
// Aug 21, 2008 at 5:43 pm
I love you brother but you sure come up with some weird ideas. However this is a great idea to get yourself a new boat.
2 Sy
// Aug 22, 2008 at 7:19 am
Dude…I need a boat. I dont have one. Hell, I dont even live by the sea. But I need a boat! And I figure getting epople to send me a lot of cash is the best way to get it! There is a crate of beers for ya in the galley when I get it!
3 ponygirl
// Aug 23, 2008 at 3:11 pm
You sir, are hilarious. Im not sending you money of course but this is gold.
4 Sy
// Aug 23, 2008 at 4:26 pm
What about a £5 note contest? Anything? Ah come on…you know you want to!
Please?
Pretty please?
Pretty please with an udder on top?
No? Well, you understand I had to try!
5 Georgie B
// Aug 25, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Thanks for the morning chuckle. Helps me recover from a nine day vacation.
6 Sy
// Aug 25, 2008 at 9:15 pm
9 day vacation? You lucky… What ya do with your time?
7 Georgie B
// Aug 25, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Did some traveling across the States to visit an online friend that I met about a year and a half ago.
Weather was great, the drive was cool and then I faced Monday, tired body and fried brain cells.
8 Tasha
// Aug 26, 2008 at 3:03 am
Dude. New reader here. I think I am in love with your writing. Why arent you famous and writing books right now? Sheesh.
9 Sy
// Aug 26, 2008 at 11:08 am
@Georgie – So you had a road trip then! I know the feeling though. Even after a weekend recently my brain is fried! Although if it helps, we had a bank holiday here this weekend so didnt have to work Monday anyway!
@Tasha – Hey Dudette! Welcome! Why am I not famous and writing books? Ummm…well…no one has offered me anything. This is in part due because I have never actually tried! Although I dont know what I would write. Someone has previously said childrens books though…which makes sense with my childlike brain!
10 Menopaausloldbag (MOB)
// Aug 26, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Mad as a box of frogs old boy. Nope yer not getting any effing money out of me! Tight as a ducks arse!
11 Sy
// Aug 27, 2008 at 2:14 am
That’s quackers. No money at all? Come on MOB…you know you are good for it, so splash the cash!
12 Bree Ahmed
// Aug 28, 2008 at 4:21 am
I agree with Tasha. Yessss. You should compile these posts and slap ‘em in a book.
13 Sy
// Aug 28, 2008 at 3:04 pm
That would involve work…and a lot more material!! But hey, over time if I haven’t given up posting I might well get something together. Unlikely though…because I am THAT lazy!! Anyone fancy a project?
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