Before I get on with today’s random verbal spillage put in to some kind of order and posted on the site in the name of trying to be funny, I shall say thank you to those who de-lurked and commented in the last post. Between those telling me I am gorgeous, cute, randy and those that turned up at my house with a dozen red roses (all with the heads cut off. What was that all about?) it was a much fun post, and great to communicate with those of you who commented for the first time along with those of you mad people who comment often. I will do it again next time I can’t think of any original content to post and have a damn good chat with you all. Next time I will put out some nibbles as I know how many of you are coming out to play!
So talking about nibbles, lets keep with stomachs and let’s talk about vomit. Big white balls of whale vomity goodness.
I learnt something today. I learnt that wearing a pair of trousers that are a little tighter due to the being a fat git, the idea of sitting down in a jumping fashion without the rearranging of the said trouser department can reeeeeeeally sting and take the breath right out of your body. But apart from that, I learnt that people spray vomit on themselves and other people go “ohhh you smell divine”. You may or may not (but probably do) know this but whale vomit is used to make perfume. Actually, sperm whale vomit. Not sure if that makes a difference? “Smear yourself in sperm and smell attractive to the opposite sex” is not something I would ever have thought I would be writing.
It is just typical. Had I known this already when I was at Sea-world and while teasing a whale, it lost it’s lunch all over me leaving me covered in a whole manor of things ranging from semi chewed fish to the arm of one of the helpers, I wouldn’t have cleaned myself. Instead, I would have gone on a sexual rampage with my new found spare arm, safe in the knowledge that I am a sexual wildebeest to the ladies due to my pungent whale vomit smell.
So what do they do? Have farms of whales and they feed them slightly dodgy food and a lot of alcohol to make them hurl, and then rather than flush the giant whale toilet, they scoop it out, stick it in to a bottle and put the words “Fragrance by David and Victoria Beckham” on it? Of course, this all makes sense. The fragrances are labelled under “DVB” which obviously doesn’t stand for David and Victoria Beckham, but actually stands for Disgusting Vomit Bottle. (actually, the fact that their initials are VD should really be a sign to the world. Hell, I know that every time I see them on the TV or in a newspaper it makes me itch).
Well, if they can do it and make money, in for a penny in for a pound I guess.
I am proud to introduce the new fragrance designed and manufactured by The Wheel is Turning but the Hamster is Dead:
You can scoff. I hear you all saying “That will never sell” and “He called it PUKE?!?!”.
Yeah well…let me take you back to the 5th paragraph. To the words that made no sense whatsoever of “The Fragrance by David and Victoria Beckham”. And if anyone admits to wearing it…well…I can’t actually do anything, but I will be very upset and glad I cannot smell you. And you are making me itch.
Prices start at 1 out of date McDonalds meal for the 200ml bottle. Batches are made on completion of eating.
17 responses so far ↓
1 Georgie B
// Sep 27, 2008 at 12:17 am
Your version of the restaurant scene from “The Meaning Of Life?”
2 Sy
// Sep 27, 2008 at 12:23 am
Wafer thin mint, anyone?
3 Trillian
// Sep 27, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Hate to think about it, but same sperm whale vomit was also historically used as flavouring, before someone discovered just how lovely it smelled. Yum.
Marketing genius award to the guy who renamed it Ambergris (as opposed to hardened whale vomit).
4 Kirsten
// Sep 28, 2008 at 3:42 am
LOL! You are a marketing genius!!
5 LoveHugs a.k.a. cyndi
// Sep 28, 2008 at 6:29 pm
all i have to say is,
EEEEEUUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
6 Sy
// Sep 28, 2008 at 9:58 pm
@Trillian – I think the name change just really worked for him. The stuff sells for a total fortune! Although adding it as flavouring? Wouldn’t it be as easy to go lick the bowl of a public toilet just after the saturday night kicking out time rush???
@Kirsten – Oh you know it! I have a lot more like this. In fact, how comes I am not stinking rich about now? I swear I put these great ideas on the net and people steal them! I should have never posted the recipe/ingredients!
@Cyndi – Or is it LoveHugs…so many names, so little time to learn them. Can I call you Jingo? I dont know why, it just sounds fun and have never been able to say “YO! JINGO!” to anyone. But come on…you wanna buy some of my perfume? Anyone?? Please? I have 1 wife, 1 baby, 1 cat, 2 kittens and a parrot to feed!
7 Georgie B
// Sep 29, 2008 at 11:36 am
Not even if I wanted to get even with my very worst enemy.
Would rather listen to Tony Blair teaching a class at Yale University.
8 Sy
// Sep 29, 2008 at 4:57 pm
Oohh…noooo….Goergie B. There is no need to lower the language by mentioning Tony Blair. It is one thing to spray vomit on yourself int he name of smelling attractive to the opposite sex, but Tony Blair? Wrong. WRONG I TELL YOU!!! WROOOOOOOOONNNNG!!! I think I need to lie down. Even thinking of the worthless idiot who messed up my country makes me woosey!
9 Georgie B
// Sep 29, 2008 at 10:40 pm
I’m sorry.
I didn’t know that was such a sore point with you.
Here, let me put this pillow under your feet and here’s the remote.
Can I buy you a twelve pack of something to quench your thirst?
10 Sy
// Sep 29, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Oh, well if you are going to get 12, there is a special on the 18 can packs at the moment, and if you buy one pack, you get one pack free. So hey, you bring a squishy pillow for my feet, put the rugby world cup final 2003 on the TV and a crate of 36 beers, I am sure I can make an effort to forgive you!
11 Georgie B
// Oct 1, 2008 at 12:02 am
Done!
And if I can’t get over there in time, just give me the name of your favorite package store (liquor mart or whatever it is that they’re called over there) and I’ll leave my card number for you. It’s on me.
12 LoveHugs
// Oct 1, 2008 at 2:38 am
18 packs at 7-11 here in L.A. are under $11.00 everyday all day long. But they stop selling at 11:30pm. hmph! The nerve of them not letting me be alcoholic after 11:30!
lol
13 LoveHugs
// Oct 1, 2008 at 2:40 am
Sy; you are more than welcome to call me Jingo all you want.. No one else, though. And I AM going to google it and wiki it to be sure there’s no strange meaning to it, like psycho bitch which rambles on relentlessly in replies to people’s blogs.. that sort of thing.
14 LoveHugs
// Oct 1, 2008 at 2:43 am
Straight from Wikipedia :
The expression “hey Jingo”/”hey Gingo” was also known in the vocabulary of illusionists and jugglers as a cue for magic appearance of objects (cf. “presto”). Martim de Albuquerque in his 1881 “Notes and Queries”[2] mentions a 1679 printed usage of the expression.
hmmmm…. You ought to look up Jigoism while you’re on Wiki sometime. lol
15 Sy
// Oct 1, 2008 at 11:59 pm
@Georgie B – My friend, if you are paying, I am there. Get the card behind the counter at my local Sainsburys and I will make sure their more than impressive sized alcohol section is sufficiently drained!
@LoveHugs – $11 for 18? DOLLARS?? That is…hang on, let me check the conversion rate…29p. Luckily our stores are 24 hours so I can be a 24 hour alcoholic. Although I do make sure I have enough to start with so I dont have that closing issue…especially on a Sunday.
Jingoism. What a great word. And according to wiki, quite mad…and a little true. Well then me old Jingo. Lets use it!
16 Georgie B
// Oct 2, 2008 at 12:52 am
Sy, some random silliness for you.
You’ve been tagged from Cedar’s Mountain to tell 6 book related things about yourself–on your blog.
If you decide to participate in this game, drop a comment on Cedar’s Mountain with a link so that readers will know to follow to your site. (You can see the rules there).
17 Sy
// Oct 3, 2008 at 12:08 am
I shall stick it up next post! I had to put up the one I did tonight as I have been meaning to write it for a week now and havent had the chance!
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