Good evening trusty readers, visitors and people who come here looking for “Smurfette Costumes”.  Smurfette Costumes?  You may be wondering.  Well, for some reason google is showing me a lot of hits for people looking for said costume.  And now I have to wonder.  Why are you looking for a smurfette costume?  And if you find yourself one, are you willing to send in a photo of you in it?  And can you hold up a sign saying “Sy, you are soooooo dreamy”?  because you know…it has kind of been a dream I had years ago and still have it.  Don’t tell my wife that though, because she thinks I ask her to dress up as Smurfette or Dopey the dwarf as something special for “us”, and not some sordid dream I had since I first woke up and thought “Huh…what happened to the bed sheets?  I still need to pee, so it cant of been….ohhhhh….riiiiiight.  So I reached that stage then!” and spent the next several (read “since then”) years humping the arm of the chair for complete random reasons.

But I fear that my request for the photo will fall on deaf ears.  So how about I say “If you show me yours, I will show you mine!”.

No?

You are no fun.  I would do it for you!  Actually, has anyone got a photo of themselves in a silly costume that I can put on the net for all to laugh at look at with deep curiosity and wonder how the party went?

Anyway, I was about to say something.  Oh yeah.

I have always had complete confidence in the health service in the UK.  Ever since I was 12 and broke my knee cap in half which resulted in my first sexual experience whereas on the operating table, a nurse put her hand under the sheet to hold mine…but mine was by little Sy, and I moved my hand, and she grabbed a  handful (she had small hands).  I proposed to her later that night, but then retracted it when I saw how old she was and blamed it on the drugs and being 12.  But they put my knee right.  After all, they knew what they were doing.

Unlike some doctors.

Well, one doctor.

I went to get my child stabbed with a couple of needles last week.  While doing it, said Dr blokey had a good look about young Shawnee and decided that she is as fit as a fiddle.  Unlike her father who really needs to sort his mental and physical issues out.  Did you know that if you put on enough weight, even your brain gets fat?  Well, I cant say that conclusively, but my head feels kinda heavy, and when my wife walks out of the room, my head automatically drops to one side as I watch her walk away.  Not sure what that is about to be honest, but this doc dude sat and asked if we had any questions.  Which I did.

“So why do you measure her head?” I asked with absolute curiosity as he had measured it and then said “Yup, that is fine!”. 

“I have no idea, they ask us to do it.” he replied. 

Hang on.  He said “yup, that’s fine”.  So it is fine, or does my daughter have a comically large head which he thinks is fine should she decide to join the travelling circus?  So my wife asked the health visitor.  Who dodged the question completely. 

People, I think I have uncovered a conspiracy.  One where they also put weird things in to medicines to maybe control us.  I say this because of my second question I asked.  My wife has decided to start chomping down on the contraceptive pill.  The doctor asked:

“Are you breastfeeding?” to which my wife, milk spurting everywhere and me bearing a milk moustach, replied “Yup.” and got a mop for the floor.

“OK, we cant give you the normal pill as the breastfeeding releases estrogen so we give you this pill”. and proceeded to mention that breastfeeding can stop you getting pregnant.  I am assuming this is because when you are breastfeeding, there is no chance of me hopping on top as I might squash the baby?  But regardless, I asked him why it does.

“I have no idea.  It just does” was his reply.  Scarily the same as the first answer.

But as part of my investigation in to the medicines controlling us, I have got proof that they are controlling us with them.  My evidence?  Well………

Picture the scene.  I am sitting up in bed.  My wife is to my right also sitting up and Shawnee is laying in her shoebox (don’t panic, I removed the silica gel sachets so it is safe) to the right of my wife.  So in front of us is nothing apart from the rest of the room.  And then it happened.

Swinging her head to the left, my wife sneezed right at me.  There was stringy weird globules of stuff hanging off of me.  I asked the obvious question:

“What the HELL!”

Her reply?  “Well, I didn’t want to sneeze on Shawnee”.  Who as you saw, is laying to her right.  Not straight ahead.  I am convinced that someone was watching on a secret camera on the website www.WatchSyInBed-HeIsHot.com/hardcore and they made her do it.

Dont trust anyone people.  Foil hats at the ready…and remember.  Send me all your money.   I am your only hope, but can only help you if I am rich.

© 2008, Sy. All rights reserved.