So it seems that we are all safe, and the crackjobs who predicted that the “Galactic Federation of Light” would turn up and cuddle us all to death have all gone back to there hidey holes to have a think about what they said.
Of course saying that, it could be that Chief Commander Paddington Bear has alternative plans for us and rather than cuddle us to death, he will do something far more awful. Something like making the New Kids on the Block comeback successful, so we are forced to endure more audio punishment than we were on their first time round.
Or maybe…juuuust maybe…the whole Galactic Federation of Light should be renamed “The Galactic Federation of Complete and Utter Bollocks”. I googled it (the original, not the bollocks version), and there were a LOT of people who believed it. I have just one question. I think it is all encompassing of how people may feel on this. And that is:
What the hell are these people on!?!?
But as people seem to go for all this crap, I am starting the “Cult of the Dead Hamster“. And I want you to follow me. There is not much to it; just a few simple rules.
1 – I own everything you own. Actually, you won’t own it anymore. I will only take paid up mortgages, and none of your “I still owe £4000000 on it” BS. I am not here to do you favours you know!
2 – You must recruit as many “followers” as possible to the cult, and you will get a cut (0.003%) of the profits I make from their stuff up to a maximum of £11.93, and you WILL be thankful.
3 – You must do everything in your power to make sure that I, your esteemed leader, am comfortable at all times. This could be by bringing me snacks, women of the “loose” variety (and I don’t mean they have fingers hanging off or something. Keep your leprosy drenched weirdo’s to yourself) or working out just how the hell to shut my parrot up as he is doing my head in which doesn’t involve strangulation (my wife is a little against the violence against bird option that I prefer).
So not a lot to do then! Although I am thinking. Is the word “Cult” maybe a little too “strict” sounding? Should I rename it to the “Awfully Fun, Nothing Bad Could Happen Dead Hamster Party”? That sounds a little more like it is all drink, drugs and sausage rolls and less me stealing everything you have in the world for my own selfish devious means?
The only other alternative is”The All Numpties Under Sy Party” which does have the downside of being “The ANUS Party” which means that all my followers will be my Arses.
Not sure. What one do you prefer? After all, it is your party! I want you to be happy. If you aren’t happy, I am not happy. If I am not happy….oh God help you mere mortals.
The idea of me starting a cult actually appeared quite some time ago on a comment conversation on a post by Goergie B HERE. I finally worked out how I could use it thanks to the intergalactic psycho teddy bears!
28 responses so far ↓
1 Georgie B
// Oct 15, 2008 at 12:05 am
Much better.
Perhaps this was the idea that was being bandied about last month in a blog post of mine?
(nudge, nudge, wink, wink)
2 Sy
// Oct 15, 2008 at 12:13 am
It’s at the bottom of the post my friend! Just took me what feels like forever finding the post! You write too many posts!
3 Tamera
// Oct 15, 2008 at 1:07 am
Well….You already screwed it up because you now told us how you would manipulate and steal everything from us…shhhhh. You’re not supposed to tell us that…and, people like lovey-dovey…for some odd reason….However, my final assessment in joining your cult is….um…forget it! You forgot the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet and tequila…no, cancel the tequila..that’s what I usually bring you….good ‘old beer…and, lots of it! If this is acceptable, we may be able to renegotiate membership….
4 Tamera
// Oct 15, 2008 at 1:10 am
Oh, one more thing…aren’t you glad that we helped keep you entertained while you were at work last night? hahaha…are you at work again tonight?
5 Sy
// Oct 15, 2008 at 1:11 am
Hell yeah! Because it was a DIRE night here! Nothing at all going on whatsoever, so I thank you for that!
And as a thank you, I shall bring as much pizza as you can eat and would the inclusion of an open bar with anything of your choosing available maybe help bring you in to the fold?
6 crse
// Oct 15, 2008 at 1:42 am
Ok the only way I see this working is if I was your american counterpart. I have to say that Im particularly qualified for this position in that I am extremely gracious in the manner that I receive people’s stuff and also Im very good at letting others make me comfortable (none of that independent woman ill do it myself nonsense for this yankee cult leader!) Whaddya say Father Master?
7 Sy
// Oct 15, 2008 at 1:45 am
Interesting. Very very interesting. Now, I had not actually considered how I would be able to run the chapters across the world, so if you believe you can do the Master right, then it would be great to have you on board! I will only take half of your house as a show of goodwill!
Great to have you on board!
8 Tamera
// Oct 15, 2008 at 2:07 am
Now, hang on a minute crse!!!! Sy, have you learned nothing from the crazy election over here?????? Geeeesh. Listen up. crse. You cannot just apply for such a high position without investigation. How old are you? What are your qualifications? Are you left-handed or right-handed? Have you ever been caught in a loo stall with liquor, or your pants down? And, what brand of toilet paper do you use? Huh? huh? *suspicious glance*….
9 Sy
// Oct 15, 2008 at 2:14 am
Now if the loo paper is one of the better known “softer” brands, does that mean that the person is weaker, and the paper should actually be more like tracing paper and shows strength of character (and a funny walk after a trip to the bathroom)? As fot the liquor in a look stall, I think that is going to have to be a yes, as it shows a need to get your alcohol everywhere and anywhere!
10 Tamera
// Oct 15, 2008 at 2:47 am
tracing paper? OMG. You people know nothing….bark, Sy…pure tree bark. Now, that shows character, and strength. Geesh..Do I have to think of everything?
11 Sy
// Oct 15, 2008 at 2:52 am
If you can think up a first aid kit, that would really help, as that stung a little more than I thought it would. I didnt realise there was a bear attached to the bark. Apparently bears really do sh*t in the woods!
12 Tamera
// Oct 15, 2008 at 3:02 am
Yeah….Oh, they sure do…..first aid??? Tequila, Sy….tequila….like a real man.
13 Sy
// Oct 15, 2008 at 3:07 am
Do I drink it, or pour it on…one of them seems like a real waste and the other could cloud my judgement as to if I should try fight the bear to prove my manhood.
14 Tamera
// Oct 15, 2008 at 3:56 am
Both. Double whammie numbness. Great first aid.
15 Tamera
// Oct 15, 2008 at 3:57 am
Oh, and the bear…..run like hell.
16 Sy
// Oct 15, 2008 at 4:05 am
The bear is not so scary! Yeah he is twice as big as me and has razor sharp claws…actually, yeah. I think I will run!
17 Tamera
// Oct 15, 2008 at 4:22 am
Where did everyone go? To bed? woosies. *just kiddin’*
18 Sy
// Oct 15, 2008 at 4:28 am
I think they may have! Here it is 4:30am and I wish I was in bed!!!
19 Kelly
// Oct 15, 2008 at 7:32 am
The Cult Of Sausage Rolls sounds fine to me, Sy.
So can I congratulate you and Mrs. Sy on having “the Bun” out of the oven–so to speak?
20 Tamera
// Oct 15, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Kelly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
21 Sy
// Oct 15, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Indeed you can my friend! And great to see you around these parts again!
22 Kelly
// Oct 15, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Howdy to both of you, Tamera and Sy. Yes, I’m still alive, kickin’ and spreading my gooey charm all over the internutz again. Hope you’re both doing fine n’ dandy.
And I….
hope the baby is giving you fits, Sy, in the middle of the night. Hee hee and a mighty ho ho.
23 Georgie B
// Oct 16, 2008 at 12:00 am
I write too many posts?
That’s the best compliment I received in quite a while.
Favor to ask of you: a mutual friend included your addy in an e-mail to me last week. May I drop you a line?
24 Sy
// Oct 16, 2008 at 12:19 am
@Kelly – So what ya been doing with yourself? It is good to hear your gooey charm is back though! The kiddie (Shawnee) is doing great. Not many sleepless nights at all! She is my kid after all. I love my sleep!
@GeorgieB – For sure dude! Not sure what address you have, but there is one in the “about” section on here!
25 Kelly
// Oct 16, 2008 at 6:01 am
First, I’ve been back workin’ on my blog. Lot’s of new stuff there. Stop by if ya got the chance.
Second, I’m still working on getting my disability. It takes forever over here in the US. Especially if you’re under the age of 50 like me. My lawyer also said it is because there are so few Administrative Law Judges in my area for all the disability claim cases to be, well, judged upon.
I’m glad to hear your kid is doing great and likes to sleep. The “liking to sleep” part is kinda rare for babies from what I hear. My sister always complained about hers when they were babies. They kept her up at nights a lot.
26 NanciElizabeth
// Oct 17, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Count me in. When in London (circa 1969-oh, yeah!) I was REPORTEDLY laying down in the Paddington station screaming drunkenly, “I’m a bear in a yellow coat! Take me home!” Actually, recalling the size of my head, the state of my mouth and a complete lack of voice, there may be some validity to this “story.”
P.S. Do we get a secret handshake in the Club??
27 Sy
// Oct 18, 2008 at 9:57 am
@Kelly – Excellent! I will take a wander over shortly and see what that slightly deranged mind of yours has added to the site!
Now I know a lot of people complain at the UK government, but hell…we throw money at people. I cant believe you guys have to have everything go to courts and stuff. Come move to Blighty. Loads of cash handed out here!
@NanciElizabeth – When you say reportedly, do you mean that I should up newspapers from the time and see the photographic evidence! I do actually think that the only thing letting you down was that you were not eating marmalade sandwiches. You can only be a bear if you have the sandwiches Nanci!
As for the handshake; absolutely. Well, more of a toe shake. You have to wrap your little toe around a fellow members little toe while singing the Fraggle Rock themetune. It takes a special kind of person!
28 Did you hear about dolphins killing people while having sex? // May 8, 2009 at 2:26 pm
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