Brazil.  A country that not only gives great shaving advice, but also has a ministry aimed at promoting the rights of prostitutes.  This great country has created the “prostitutes handbook”.  This useful little book helps them prepare for the randy foreigner who comes looking for a lil’ sumfin of the horizontal variety.  Or vertical.  I mean I am not saying I am a one trick pony or anything here….just a generalisation.  Look, stop thinking about how boring I must be in the sack and lets get on with the post can we? 

Thank you.  Geez, you lot are like a bunch of children with your sniggering.  I have feelings you know!

But this book, which I have not researched…nor paid a Brazilian prostitute £200 to sit and talk to me because I am lonely and just want a hug…contains such things as:

They should be prepared to perform fantasies and seduce with affectionate nicknames.  Which is in stark contrast to my wife who often says “Oi ya fat lazy sweaty git..come and give me some lovin…and none of that foreplay crap where you watch the angling channel first”.  Instead I assume they will call you honeybunches or big hard man or “oohh..Mr English man…you are sooo…BIIIIIIG!” to a muscular guy looking at working it a little.  Like me.  Who is muscular underneath the loose chubby bits.

In other news, they should show a capacity to communicate in a foreign language.  This one makes sense I guess.  The last time I asked for a penguin, she pulled my trousers down, gave little Sy a quick kiss, grabbed my wallet and legged it.  There was me, trousers round my ankles, running awkwardly after her.  See, to me, a penguin involved milk chocolate and…well…you know what, lets just not go there. 

But had I known that a penguin to her was something completely different, I would have got my translator out and mentioned chocolate hobnobs. 

They also teach the businesswoman how to negotiate the use of condoms and encourages them to denounce violence.  This could be a tough one to translate.  When I walk up to a woman and say “I wish to beat you with my coat wearing love truncheon!”, I am not saying it in a violent way and am already saying I wish to use a condom.

So hats (and trousers) off to the Brazilian government who took this bold step and created a great piece of literature.  I hope it has pictures!  Oh hell, what am I saying…of course it does.  Anyone wanting a copy, let me know.

© 2008, Sy. All rights reserved.