Well it isn’t because of the clean always breathable air. Nor the always friendly government.
China is like the very centre of the Bermuda Triangle. Except that it is nowhere near Bermuda, and is not even mildly triangle shaped. But apart from that, pretty much spot on. Strange things happen there with the people and animals. They seem to just be a little “different”. And I don’t mean “Got 2 heads and smell of guacamole” different.
A few examples:
A Chinese man’s wife was in a coma. Now he tried the usual things that would bring someone out of a coma such as medicine, telling her he left the toilet seat up and saying he had taken a loan out for a lifetime subscription of “Rubber Duck Monthly – The magazine dedicated to the little yellow guy you just can’t have a bath without”. None of them worked. So what did he do? He nibbled her toes. She woke up! OK, so she can’t talk yet, but then I think he has refrained from nibbling the other foot because when she gets her voice back, she is going to say “STOP BITING MY FOOT YOU PERVY GIT!”. Original store HERE.
Another Chinese man got to his car to find out that his car battery was flat. But because he was carrying lots of shopping and had a copy of Rubber Duck Monthly under his arm, he couldn’t push the car to the garage. So he did what any ordinary guy would do. He pinned leads to his eyelids and pulled the car. The bonus of this is that he didn’t have to spend valuable time blinking which meant he could read the article on “Super Bathtime Ideas With Gertrude The Little Yellow Duck” in his magazine. He had a few other things he did, but you can read it all HERE. Of course, if reading “stopping electric fans with his tongue” is something that bothers you, do not eat while you read the story.
But it is not just the men. You cannot separate the men from the boys in China like other countries. In England, we have kids who eat ice cream and go crazy at the ice cream headache. But in China, you get shot through the eye with an arrow. And live. The arrow only stopped when it hit the back of his skull. OK, so why didn’t the FRONT of his skull stop it. But hey, that is not for me to say. He survived for one reason. It missed his brain. I guess when you stand in front of an arrow, you could be accused of having a smaller than average brain. But the best part of the story? “His parents have been warned he still faces a risk of infection”. Yes. Infection. The biggest worry just after an arrow goes through your head and almost kills you. I suggest going HERE just for the X-Ray image alone!
I am fairly sure that Jeebus is in China too. He has obviously turned water in to alcohol there. This is because a man took his kids to a restaurant and they gave them alcohol instead of water. But naturally, this was an upmarket restaurant, so they offered a handsome apology of a discount and a free cabbage. Huh? A free cabbage? OK, so I am not the most travelled human in existence, but if someone offered me a free cabbage, I would offer them a free punch in the chops. But if you want confirmation that I am not making it up, HERE it is.
Now this next one…well…yeah. The weird disease that I was once married to once told me that US men wear their heart on their sleeves whereas us Englishmen are just plain sexy. How about just having your heart on the outside of your chest? Really. I think the strangest part of this story is how they block out his eyes to hide his identity. Ummm…his heart is on the outside of his chest. I am mildly confident that people might recognise him by the way..well…HIS HEART IS ON THE OUTSIDE OF HIS CHEST!
And finally lets talk animals.
Two dogs and a cat have joined swimming clubs. The dogs even have their own shower cubicle. Well DUH! How many people want to have a shower when some wet mutt is either shaking his coat and spraying you in river dirt, or every time you bend over for the soap, he…well…tries to violate you. Or at least while washing your hair, he buries his snout in your joy department and has a good old sniff. And if you haven’t washed that bit yet, you might be a little self conscious. You can read about the Cats and Dogs HERE and HERE. What next…a 4 legged chicken when you crack an egg?
So there you have it. I had another 16 possible entries I could have written about, but at some point you have to stop the post and start watching TV. Either way, I am thinking of moving to China.
on 
33 responses so far ↓
1 Tamera
// Dec 12, 2008 at 6:58 am
Pffft. You are full of it! You almost lost me at Bermuda Triangle, and I was about to hit the telephone book to find my Geography teacher from high school, and yell at him for misinformation. Hey! You did some thorough research there! When are you moving, then? ;o)) There’s just one thing that’s hard to figure out, and that’s their rules of politeness. My Tai Chi teacher is Chinese, and I get the impression that we keep insulting him without meaning to. He gives us “the look”, and we never understand what we do wrong, but some subtle cultural “boo boo’s”. You’ll have to study up on etiquette like burping and stuff…you know. The important things. We won’t be able to get you out of jail if you should end up there….just sayin’!
2 Sy
// Dec 12, 2008 at 7:07 am
Hmmm. That is a very good point. There is an element of politeness going on which makes it a little easy to insult them! I will do a little more research later and see what I can find! I believe I can write a bible of sorts which if I give you a copy and lots of cash, you can spring my bail and smuggle me out of the country!
3 Tamera
// Dec 12, 2008 at 7:07 am
Okay. So, I was just outside thinking, and on second thought….I could make a trip to bail you out of jail for burping…but, no farting, Sy…I don’t do farting. Nope…I draw the line there. And, no running down the back alley with tequila bottles…Ok..I see I need some sleep. Good night!
4 Sy
// Dec 12, 2008 at 7:09 am
So what you are saying is that Kelly is doomed if he gets arrested then. Our ferting favourite will be doomed to be there forever!!
Night night!
5 anonymoose
// Dec 12, 2008 at 7:45 am
you are an extremely cheesy writer.
6 Sy
// Dec 12, 2008 at 8:09 am
I guess as standard a moose doesn’t eat cheese then! So bring the biscuits and we will see what we can do. Although it is weird…a lot of my Canadian friends like cheese. Are you a cheese hating Canadian moose?
7 Tamera
// Dec 12, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Pssst, Sy! *whispers in ear*…it’s not any moose. It’s Sarah Palin in disguise…
Kelly must never be allowed to go to China. He wouldn’t even get through customs with his furting velocity.
8 Sy
// Dec 12, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Hmm…it isnt a very good disguise is it! I mean OK, you can hide the legs, but the nose? Never going to happen is it!!
I dont think the airlines would let our furting friend on the plane to start with!! It isnt like you can open the window at 30000 feet to clear the air!
9 Georgie B
// Dec 13, 2008 at 12:47 am
Nice to see that there are abnormal people all over the world, not just the U.S.
10 JD
// Dec 13, 2008 at 8:35 pm
i got lost in china for 7 years so
i know of what you speak …
11 Static
// Dec 14, 2008 at 5:08 pm
After reading these whacked out news stories, I starting smearing guacamole all over my two heads. Care to join me?
12 Tamera
// Dec 14, 2008 at 7:11 pm
@Static…China is Eastward…not South of the border. Try Soy Sauce.
13 Static
// Dec 15, 2008 at 5:16 pm
@Tami – But I heard you like guacamole.
14 Tamera
// Dec 15, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Heh. ;o)
15 Tamera
// Dec 16, 2008 at 1:45 am
Sy?????? Where’d he go?
16 Abi
// Dec 16, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Did anyone tell him yet why the front of that kid’s skul didn’t stop the arrow?
(eyesocket
)
17 Sy
// Dec 16, 2008 at 3:44 pm
I’m BACK! Disappeared there for a bit due to spending my time off shift with Shawnee, and a 4 month old and a PC…well…they just don’t mix too well! But look what happened while I was gone.. Let me catch up! So…working from the bottom up…
@Abi – Welcome! Yeah, see…I couldn’t think of anything else to write when I was writing it, and was hoping no one would question the eye socket thing..so…erm…thanks a bunch!
But hey, how is sunny Liverpool working out for ya…and if I ever hear of someone selling a snake…well…I am not offering you it.
@Static/Tami – Hmm…there was a conversation about smearing food stuffs and I missed out? Lets start with marmite and a box of ants and go from there! I will supply the cooling gel for the warm down. Unless we are rubbing deep heat on Kelly’s joy department…which seems to be going on around the wall area of the site!
@JD – Hey fella! You went a wandering in China for 7 years? Were you a spy..or really just very lost?
@Georgie – Dude…they are eeeeverywhere! They breed uncontrollably. It is true! I know this first hand by the way no one stopped me reproducing!!
18 Abi
// Dec 16, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Lol well Liverpool is not so sunny… I wouldn’t *want* a snake (I decided once we’d had it for a week that I’m actually not keen on snakes) and sorry about the arrow thing, couldn’t resist
4 months old? The cute stage.
Ah my littlest is 11 months. Just wait. She pulls the keyboard off the desk and eats it…
19 Sy
// Dec 16, 2008 at 4:11 pm
Down here in West Sussex it is about the same then! Overcast and cold and…well…England really!
I have to ask…why a snake in the first place! Not exactly the friendliest fluffiest pet to have! And I will let you off the arrow thing just this once!
Yeah, 5 months on Christmas Eve. Definately the fun stage! But already showing signs of interest in my mobile phone and laptop, so it wont be long before I am hiding everything I like in a cupboard!!
20 Abi
// Dec 16, 2008 at 4:16 pm
*keyboard splodging droolishly* weeeell the snake came about because a) I liked my friend’s big python. b) My husband is allergic to everything and c) I was actually pregnant but didn’t know so my brain was addled
It turns out that small, wriggly baby snakes are horrible and scary and bitey and they wee… husbands are allergic to cleaning them out…. pregnant ladies aren’t really meant to touch them in the first trimester…. and the poor thing had a fatal digestive error and later died…
I’ve been through four mobiles in as many years
!!!
21 Sy
// Dec 16, 2008 at 4:20 pm
So it was a well thought out plan for day one then!! But yeah, you dont want a bitey weeing scary thing as a husband..erm…pet.
Now when you say “fatal digestive error”, yo made it swallow a knife or dynamite or something didnt you! Come on, you can tell..we are all friends here!!
And I know the pregnancy brain thing…my wife still uses it! I tried using it once, but the whole being male and not pregnant thing kind of ruined that for me.
22 Tamera
// Dec 16, 2008 at 5:14 pm
cold and overcast, eh? Would it be a good time to mention that it’s 28 degrees where I am? hmmm…probably not.
23 Sy
// Dec 16, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Nope…it woud be horrible if you were to mention it being 28 degrees or something there…but luckily you are way too nice to do that to me.
24 Abi
// Dec 16, 2008 at 5:19 pm
Snakish Inquisition!!
I can’t remember what it’s called but the evil creature just wasn’t digesting its mice… (or anything) so the mouse went in one end, and came out the other, looking unscathed! Except for being dead of course…
25 Sy
// Dec 16, 2008 at 5:24 pm
I think that if Mr Mouse had come out alive and waving a white flag, you would have more than a problem with a snake with a digestion problem! I mean really…where did the mouse get the flag?
26 Abi
// Dec 16, 2008 at 5:25 pm
Gosh yes, some kind of cancerous growth producing whe flags, the stuff of nightmares…
27 Abi
// Dec 16, 2008 at 5:25 pm
or even white ones.
28 Sy
// Dec 16, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Thats notihng…where did the flag pole come from? That HAS to sting. And I guess he can only make the one pole before he changes his name to Sarah.
29 Abi
// Dec 16, 2008 at 5:29 pm
You twerp
30 Sy
// Dec 16, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Harsh…but fair!
31 Tamera
// Dec 16, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Oh.
32 star2rider1
// Jan 30, 2009 at 1:02 am
I always thought you guys were kind of stinky—but thats all right some times —
I just say ureckiea—butt–you dont’a smell thatb bad—–Let’s mmmmmmove to China….
33 Static
// Jan 30, 2009 at 5:59 am
China sucks. I wanna live in a place where there is plenty of wi-fi hot spots, an exhilarating nightlife and loads of culture, an urban utopia if you will. That’s why I’m moving to Togo.
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