I think my cat may have a drug problem.
It started a while ago when her behaviour changed which was followed by money missing from my wallet. At first I thought it must have been my wife stealing the money because…well…when is the last time you saw a cat spending money? Yeah exactly. So when I challenged my wife regarding the missing money and she threatened to remove my fun department and play “Pin the penis on the dart board” which I believe is a new take on pin the tail on the donkey, I took back my accusation and bought her some flowers. Without prickles obviously.
So we laid a trap and put tainted money in my wallet. The next day the money was gone, and my cat was licking her paws trying to get the peanut butter off. Of course, she denied it and said the peanut butter was from where she was making a sandwich. Either way, I know that putting peanut butter is a really bad idea. If only I had found out before I did it!
With the knowledge that the cat was the erm cat burglar, I followed her. I followed her to her dealer. The neighbourhood wannabe who seems to be dealing catnip. I watched my cat give him my money and a few minutes later, she cut a line of catnip and with one big sniff she started running about the place like a crazed ninja who just found out he forgot to ingest his testicles prior to battle.
Later that day she returned home and I heard a fight in the house. Now, my cat is quite small. She isn’t the size of a horse or anything, she is just…well…cat sized. If you don’t know what size a regular cat is, you either live in the jungle where the cats eat you or really don’t get out much.
Hearing the fight, I ran to the kitchen where I could hear the noise. I entered a scene of carnage.
Feathers everywhere. The picture doesn’t show the true horror (although you are probably wondering why there was the remains of a bird scattered around the floor and the first thing I thought was “Hmm..lets take a photo!”).
At this point the cat did a great impression something running very fast. Her children followed shortly after. Was this a team effort? Actually, as you can see, there are the feathers…but where is the rest? And then I found it. The Dead Bird of Doom.
I should mention that the damn thing is huge. The size of my cat. My cat has no battle wounds at all. Is catnip actually PCP of the feline world? I don’t know. But…
So here is my predicament. Do I save on buying a turkey this year because of the credit crunch, and say “BAD KITTY!” so she brings me more and we have many a tasty pigeon for Christmas dinner, or…actually, is there another option?
No I don’t think so either.
© 2008, Sy. All rights reserved.
on 
6 responses so far ↓
1 Gareth
// Dec 22, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Your cat is very thoughtful, with the credit crunch it is obviously doing his bit. I don’t think I’d want to eat what the cat dragged in – you will have no idea what that pigeon has been eating!!!
I would not be surprised if your cat is becoming something of an assassin, you can still see the garrotte that he used in the second picture
2 Tamera
// Dec 22, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Oi. And, yuck! May just be the PCP of the feline world. She left-jabbed it, then a right-jab…a twinkle-toes boxer…quicker than a speeding bullet. Maybe you should send her out to the after Christmas return-unwanted-gifts day on your behalf.
By the way. I had a crazy dream last night. I dreamt that I was on a cruise, and my cabin had been robbed. Yes, robbed! They took our two laptops, all the credit cards, money and jewelry…..so, on the way home I was so sad that I bought a hamster as a pet….I SWEAR! I really did dream this. It was freaky. And I blame you for the dream. Heh. “Dear Uncle Sy…what does this dream mean”?
3 Sy
// Dec 22, 2008 at 8:11 pm
@Gareth – Hey fella! Yeah, she looks after me. Especially with the “LETS PLAY!!” stuff during the day after a night shift! But you may be right. I am wondering if the catnip problem is just a ploy to stop me seeing the real thing. Of course…now I know this, is she going to be after me? And you for that matter!!
@Tamera – Oohhh…good idea! Make her earn her living on getting me other gifts! What could go wrong!!!
Dear Sy: “I am mad”. Love, Tami.
Uncle Sy Says: Interesting. I feel that the wantan need for a hamster in your life can only be resolved by sending me as much money as you can muster over the space of the next 5 years.
4 CrazyCanadian
// Dec 22, 2008 at 9:38 pm
I wish my cat was that thoughtful, he seems content with dragging things out of his litterbox and leaving them in front of the T.V.
5 Kelly
// Dec 23, 2008 at 1:04 am
Oh my goodness, get thy feline to a drug rehab center, postehaste, young man! First it’s money, then a bird, then it’s the rest of the family. Your drug addicted kitty won’t stop at pesky lil’ things like big ass birds n’ stuff. It has tasted blood and now craves it and therin lies the peril. You better do the wise thing, Sy, and (cat) nip this problem in the bud.
Because I care too much,
Kelly
6 Georgie B
// Dec 23, 2008 at 1:08 am
Say, “bad, bad, bad, good, good, kitty.”
Pluck the bird and deep fry that bad boy.
Make sure you give a little to the cat, so that you can stay in his good graces.
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