I am thinking of changing the name of the site to “The wheel may be turning, but someone stuck something foreign in their body”. Or something like that. I hadn’t really given much thought to it. But it just seems that most of the recent posts have been regarding people inserting foreign objects in to their bodies. And I don’t mean in the way that my wife is South African and I am English so during the act of…, I mean in the case of the vicar accidentally sitting on the potato that I mentioned a few posts back.
And here we go again.
Except this time the offending article is a fish. And a penis. And when I say one went in to the other, I don’t mean it in the way that someone tried creating their own puffer fish out of a boned cod. I mean it in the…oh hell, you know what I mean.
Picture the scene:
You decide it is time to clean out the fish tank, so naturally you do it naked. And then you think “I should probably hold the fish in my hand rather than put it in a bowl or other such object while I clean”. And then you add on “and I need to take a pee, so I will wander to the toilet and do just that. With the fish in my hand.”
And then, while enjoying that pee, the fish slips from your hand and swims north for the winter.
Of course it did. I mean, the fish that was 2cm long and 1.5cm wide had obviously just finished it’s commando course and was feeling ready for the big adventure.
So lets look at this objectively. See, I don’t want to maybe get accused of calling him a liar here, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he SHOVED THE FISH UP HIS GODDAMN URETHRA. Sorry, I think I accidentally wrote that in bold and in capitals.
Bear with me while I cross my legs.
OK. 1.5cm WIDE and it went swimming in obviously the hiding place of the most well endowed man in the world. The last time I checked (and hey, you know…us blokes look at things like that), for a fish to enter that special place and swim north…well…what was he doing? Stretching exercises?
Oh, and it swam north all the way to his bladder. I hear it set up a bait shop ready for the rigid ureteroscope which was (hopefully violently) inserted with a set of forceps down the end of the little dude.
Legs crossed, so bear with me while I cup myself and uncontrollably let out a tear or two for our fallen comrade.
Look. I just don’t get it. Why a fish? Why? WHY?!! Why did he think it was a good idea to insert it down there? I am no prude. You know? I have tried my fair share of things in life. I once used a whisk. Actually, I just put the handle down there and then told my wife I want to “spice things up a little” to which she replied about not needing me to “beat her egg”.
But I always made sure that I used inanimate objects whenever I did that. I would never use a fish for anything other than hitting a glass panel and going “heeeey fishyfishy fishy!” or maybe getting the frying pan out and having a nice sauce with it. But I am just never going to insert one in to my special place.
I know you want to read more about it, so go HERE. Well, it could be worse I guess. It could be a giant pink bunny.
36 responses so far ↓
1 Flying Saucer Jones
// Feb 1, 2009 at 3:09 am
Holy sardines, Batman!!! I too am no prude and I too have, err, tried things (ahemmmm) but a conjugal visit from a fish brings tears of pain anger and fear to my eyes.
That would be some x-ray though.
2 Flying Saucer Jones
// Feb 1, 2009 at 3:13 am
I just Googled this and found articles about a species of fish called candiru. Now I just want to crawl into a corner, curl up into a foetal ball and cry my eyes out. It’s got spikes, damn it.
3 Sy
// Feb 1, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I am thinking in the x-ray, the fish would be waving!! He is lucky that it wasnt that other fish that likes to swim upstream! Imagine the feeling of a salmon working his way up there! Now THAT would create the foetal postition! Actually, I think if I had that, I would commit hari kari!
4 Flying Saucer Jones
// Feb 2, 2009 at 12:36 am
Hari kari with a swordfish? Badoom tish. Thank you! Thank you! I’ll be here all week.
5 Georgie B
// Feb 2, 2009 at 12:41 pm
I gotta hand it to you Sy, only you find the stories that brings a chill to the area down below (male or female) and a “WTF?” chuckle to the senses.
I do believe you have a little too much down time somewhere in your life that needs to be taken care of.
6 Sy
// Feb 2, 2009 at 12:47 pm
@Flying Saucer Jones – Ah-haaaa! There you go. And when you say you are there all week…you are staying there; right?!
@Georgie B – You should see the list of search engine results that I have! Dear me…here is a guy that spends WAY too much time surfing for obscure words! But I do it alllll for you people. And because everyone needs to know about a fish in the penis, I feel I have served you, my reading public, well.
7 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 2, 2009 at 6:06 pm
Okay, so now with an apparently sentient potato wanting to bugger a cleric, we have some boy doing…JESUS CHRISt, KID! JUST GO SMOKE SOME WEED LIKE NORMAL KIDS DO. YOU FUCKING DOUCHE!
With that being said, yes, when I was scheduled to go on an Amazon cruise, they did tell us of this fish, the description follows; however, the fish in..question..I mean in somewhere else, was a betta–which is a type of motherfucking goldfish! Auuggh! Another person blacklisted from Pet Stores everywhere. So, here’s the Gross Part (stop reading now.) No, really, I am not responsible for any permanent testicular/penile withdrawl into the body cavity. Okay, you asked for it:
“…Whatever the truth may be, there’s little doubt that the candirú, formally known as Vandellia cirrhosa, is capable of attacking humans in the manner described. A type of catfish, the candirú is known to lodge in the gill cavities of larger fish, where it subsists by sucking the blood of its host. Specimens average three inches in length and a quarter inch in diameter. A fast, powerful swimmer, the fish is smooth and slimy, with sharp teeth and backward-pointing spines on its gill covers that make it virtually impossible to remove. Still, it’s difficult to imagine how even the most agile of fishes could squirm into someone’s penis during a brief dip in the water, and in fact one account says women are much more likely to be candirú victims due to the greater dimensions of the female aperture…”
Hey, what the hell? He’s telling me I have a twat like a horse collar? Piss off, Pal! (hopefully in the Amazon river…)
Oh, and I liked the way they said the boy received “counseling”. Like they were all, “Hey, ya stupid shithead–you don’t stick your pet Goldie up your dick. Okay?”
8 Mrs T
// Feb 2, 2009 at 6:15 pm
I like the way the article ended with “he was offered some counselling…”
Blimey, I need counselling just reading about it! But I’d sure like to be a fly on the wall at that kid’s therapy session….
Guess, it was just as well it wasn’t a piranha; he could have been eaten from the inside out…..
9 Tiggy
// Feb 2, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I hope the fish was offered counselling too.
10 Kelly
// Feb 2, 2009 at 7:19 pm
Sy, as your friend and constant annoyance, I beg of you…. Please don’t stuff the candiru up into your winkie-hole!
It would be Bad News. Don’t do it no matter how much you feel inadequate in the Humpty Dump Dept. Winkie-holes are for pee pee and baby gravy- only!
11 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 3, 2009 at 8:54 pm
SI-MON! GET YOUR FACE OUTTA THA BOOZE OR DA BROADS OR DA BED OR WHEREVER THE FUCK IT IS AND TALK TO US. DAMMIT.
Your Loving Fans Who Also Carry Automatic
Weapons.
p.s. Mrs.T! You be on the Yanqui radar again! The quote I used was from my daughter (who is a physc major) when I asked her what her “counsel” would be.
p.p.s. okay, Si-mon, so I was totally lying about your welfare–it’s just I am bored. Plus? On behalf of the US, the moving-out-of-mom’s-house didn’t really work–call Liz to tha Deuce and tell her we want our old room back. Thanks, dude.
12 Mrs T
// Feb 3, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Ah Yanqui, I am grateful for the translation service. I admit I am somewhat perturbed at the colloquial nature of your musings……
13 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 3, 2009 at 10:18 pm
My Dear Mrs. T., if by “colloquial nature” you mean my Tourette’s-like use of tha “F woid” (that there’s Brooklynese), my profound apologies for Perturbing your Sensibilities. Fuck, Woman! I wouldn’t never do that, y’all.
(i know. sigh. Mother always said, “I do not understand why a person of your extensive and esoteric vocabulary attributes would stoop to such banalities.” I think that is when I really started the salty. And the drinking.)
Yer Pal,
yanqui
14 Mrs T
// Feb 4, 2009 at 12:28 am
Only Tourette’s-like? Why, I had thought….
Your mother sounds like a gentlewoman of good taste and kindly disposition.
‘Tis a pity then that her post natal depression must have lasted many years…
15 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 4, 2009 at 4:50 am
My Dear Mrs. T,
I suspect you are channeling my Beloved Grandmother, whom, when she Went to The Great High Tea in The Sky was 98. And yes, her progeny has made her spin so much in her grave she has no doubt rolled from New York and now is probably near the Yucatan Peninsula. Or the Falklands.
As for she who bore me, I remember vividly ‘in utero’ the incessant, plaintive plea to “..Bring me a knitting needle!” I still have the scars.
Oh-ho. I see you have your very own Domain. Mrs. T., M’am, Permission to Enter, M’am. I remain,
Your Servant
p.s. So where the bloody bolllocks is Si-mon, anyway? The natives are getting restless.
16 Sy
// Feb 5, 2009 at 8:03 pm
So I go away for a couple of days and what on earth happens here! Well, it looks like you have taken care of yourselves anyway!
If anyone needs me, I will be having a couple of days off.
17 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 5, 2009 at 8:19 pm
To The Person Formerly Known as The Boss of this Website:
Yes, threre has been a bloodless coup d’etat behind your negligent back and we have taken control. ANARCHY RULES! mmwwhaha.
18 Sy
// Feb 5, 2009 at 8:23 pm
I think people should put their money where their mouth is…and write some posts for this site then!! of you go….
19 Sy
// Feb 5, 2009 at 8:23 pm
of you go? Geez…. Off even.
20 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 5, 2009 at 8:27 pm
See? Mrs. T. and I can at least spell. We’re the brains behind this; sorry. We saw this empty wheel not turning….and well, things just evolved from there.
21 Sy
// Feb 5, 2009 at 8:37 pm
Get the posts written and stop hanging around in the comments section! You had the site for 24 hours and it is turning to crap!
22 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 5, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Neener, neener! We’ve taken over, and we’re Here To Stay.
Why, Si-mon! We’d all be perfectly glad to do the writing for you; however, I thought that’s what we were already doing.
BITCH-CHECK! Okay, well, it’s just that mom and dad were gone and kitty WANTED to play house in the microwave…
Nah, we’re glad you’re back and well–now–regale us with tales of what and whom you have been doing..
23 Sy
// Feb 5, 2009 at 8:48 pm
You wish you could write this bad!!
Well, I think you should all tender a post for the site, and I will see if it is god enough. Dont think it will be though…coz I rock, and you just dont!
24 Sy
// Feb 5, 2009 at 8:49 pm
Damn my spelling…well, this keyboard!
25 Mrs T
// Feb 5, 2009 at 9:22 pm
You’re not cycling at the same time are you Master Sy? Perhaps it is affecting your concentration?
Good evening Yanqui, I see you are still alive and kicking. Although obviously your poor kitty isn’t.
26 Sy
// Feb 5, 2009 at 9:25 pm
That would be too much like hard work…so no, I wont be doing that! Instead I have a tasty can of Carling sitting by me.
27 Mrs T
// Feb 5, 2009 at 9:38 pm
And I have a tasty mug of hot chocolate! Now let’s talk about Yanqui behind her back whilst she’s working!!
28 Sy
// Feb 5, 2009 at 9:44 pm
Working? If you count collecting cans in a supermarket trolley a job, then fine…I just dont…
29 Mrs T
// Feb 5, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Oh that’s what she does? Hmm… and I thought she ran a pet grooming business and had stumbled upon the microwave as a fast method of giving them a blow dry..only it didn’t work….
Now we had more snow here today… about another 4″ and more forecast tomorrow… I don’t know if I can bear another day with the young masters and the honourable Mr T around my feet….. I may have to resort to the microwave…..
30 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 5, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Okay, Bitches, I’m back. I had to get my 0.8 billable hours for the day. But then I totally write down about 9.7. -Now, are we all here–Mrs. T and her cocoa, Si-mon and his big- ah -can, and Miss Nantine her tumber of vodka (pre-medicated about an hour ago-but hey! here’s some old cough syrup someone left in this desk (I’m not at my regular post today.) Okay, is anyone else out there?
31 Mrs T
// Feb 5, 2009 at 10:50 pm
Hmm…drinking on duty? Shameful Yanqui! I can only imagine how many of those poor little kitties and puppies suffer from alcohol and microwave abuse…
And please don’t mention the deep fat fryer….
32 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 5, 2009 at 11:10 pm
Well Hello to the Genteel Mrs. T! Nah, I work as a paralegal, and sweetie, they encourage me to drink! Otherwise, there would be some brutally bludgeoned barristers around this fokin (how’s that? is it less offensive if I use an Irish accent?) joint, let me tell you! So, this is kind of fun! Sorry, Si-mon! Sure am glad you have this website so I can have Tea’n'Chat with Tha T. Nope, no grey hair for this biatch. I’m a honey blonde and in great shape. IT’S JUST I HAVE NEVER MET A NICE GUY LIKE SI-MON, SO I STAY SINGLE. (think he heard that?) YOU, on the other hand, seem happily shackled I mean welded-ha! typo, but it stays, I mean wedded to a nice little Mr. T who grants your Every Whim and Caters to Your Every Desire, n’est-ce pas? Sorry about the snow–I spent part of my early years in the middle of the Adirondack Mountains of NY State where we would get about 60 feet a year. Of course, I was a child, and thought it great fun to ski and skate and sled, etc. Now I would probably put a fucking fork thru my brain. I’ll meet you at the equator–we’ll both just park our asses down on that sucker.
33 Mrs T
// Feb 5, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Now Miss Nancy, if I may be so bold to call you that, for you do indeed remind me of the luverly Nancy from Oliver Twist.
Now we need to talk etiquette if you are to ensnare a suitably disturbed gentleman to cater to your every whim and desire.
I suggest we park “our pert bottoms” down at the equator rather than our “asses”. And you will not put a fork through your head put place it gently on the table… because remember we start from the outside with our flatware and work our way in when dining….. so we shall start with soup….
Napkin first Miss Nancy…and now the soup spoon…. excellent, excellent…I will make a lady of you yet…
( Pass me the paracetamol Sy I feel a migraine coming on….)
34 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 5, 2009 at 11:58 pm
But Mrs.TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT! That’s how I was raised! I used the silver spoon I was born with to cook up some black tar heroin! I’m horrible! However, I still remember how I was raised (like a veal calf, sweetie) and actually came from a fairly prominent family who is in Charleston, SC which totally explains why I am in Indiana. I think. Plus, being born under the Catholic with a Jew in Uranus (oh, come on! I couldn’t help it) I have more than my share of The Guilt. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have stayed in that society but…nah! Fuck those jive-ass pretenders. Nice to know I can still pull it off if needs be (which does come in handy at times..) So you’re in the House of Testosterone? Whoa! I can’t imagine–Beaver Lodge is (was) just m’grrlz n me. And yes, there were 12 times a year when I had to get out the electified fence and the razor wire along with the warning flags. Whoa!
What’s for supper?–
35 NanciElizabeth
// Feb 6, 2009 at 12:38 am
Dear Mrs. T,
I have so enjoyed our lively conversation this afternoon and look forward to speaking with you again.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Regards,
NanciElizabeth Whitford
see?
anywhys, I’m outta here–it’s 6:40pm and time for some fun. Tee Hee–I bet this has been a record for comments on the Si-Mon’s site. Oh, c’mon, Si–you know we loves ya!
Later, y’all
Y
36 Mr.Morece
// Dec 16, 2009 at 7:16 pm
I’ve seen about this fish on Discovery channel, pretty interesting facts. Well, you says “I am just never going to insert one in to my special place.” Fish will not ask you if you are going to insert it or not
Just keep your eyes open when you are swimming, and watch your penis 
Mr.Morece´s last blog ..ProSolution pill review
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