Here we go again in the fun series of abusing the search engine results.  As always (because I am not original enough to change the format), the words in the ” ” are real search engine results as told to me by my stat counter.  Don’t believe me?  Go to google and type em in and watch this site appear as if by magic in the results!  Oh, and then explain to me while my cat just climbed on to me to remove a hairball from his throat.  Yup, he got up from his comfy seat, walked over to me, jumped up and proceeded to empty his throat in my general direction.  I feel dirty.

Dear Sy:  “how do i know if i am gifted”

Uncle Sy Says:  Go to the nearest city, and walk around with a board that says “The end of the world is nigh!” and make noises like a koala eating a bag of extra strong mints.  If A) the world does indeed end, or B) you aren’t beaten up by some drunk teenagers, you are indeed gifted.  Dont bother with online tests, they all lie.  This is the only way.

Dear Sy:  Why is my “hamster screaming in sleep”

Uncle Sy Says: Because in his dream, when he leaps from his cage and goes for your neck, he actually gets you.  The screams are of joy.  It’s OK, but if you find him staring at you with cold lifeless eyes…

Dear Sy:  “what is it called when you get divorced and everything get split in half”

Uncle Sy Says: A joyous occasion.  This is because she left you with one testicle.  Your dreams about creating a human-Yorkshire pudding offspring are still alive.   Oh, and never invite me for dinner.

Dear Sy:  “how to get your wife to blow you”

Uncle Sy Says: I tell her I have something in my eye.  Blows in it eeeeeverytime!  Ohhh…do you mean…yeah, good luck with that.  Your married.  That stuff is long gone.

Dear Sy:  “do hamsters live underground”

Uncle Sy Says:  No.  Crazy suicidal apes live underground.  They also climb up sewerage pipes and reach out and tickle your backside when you are pooping.  You get used to it once the initial “why didn’t that damn dirty ape cut it’s fingernails” has passed.

Dear Sy:  “is it good to have a fish suck your penis?”

Uncle Sy Says:  Yes.  I suggest piranhas to start with, and then move on to something more vicious like a goldfish.  I mean really…what the hell?!?! 

Dear Sy:  Where can I find “pics of African naked boys peeing out there penises”

Uncle Sy Says: As opposed to peeing out of their ears???  Where are you going with this?  Oh, and the police are looking for you.

Dear Sy:  Can you tell me an “affectionate nickname for a fat person in Brazil”

Uncle Sy Says:  Ummm…. Steven?

Dear Sy:  I like to “burn my penis with matches”

Uncle Sy Says: I like to open tins of tuna and make distressed dolphin noises.  But really, where does it get us?”

Dear Sy:  “Can a hamster drink more alcohol than a man”

Uncle Sy Says:  Ever seen a hamster with a pint of beer?  Exactly.  They drink shots.  So you work out the answer.

Dear Sy:  “does it feel good to stick something up penis?”

Uncle Sy Says: I recommend inserting a power drill in there, turning it on, count to 12 and email me the results of the pleasure or pain principle you just experienced.

Dear Sy:  “Do female blow up dolls feel real”

Uncle Sy Says: When you say real, do you mean really like plastic or what?  A good test is to insert your little guy in there, and then while in there, hold the doll up to a high heat source.  See what happens to Plastic Pam.

Dear Sy:  “i took a picture of my hamster and now she is stunned or dead”

Uncle Sy Says:  OK, that’s all well and good, but did the hamster smile?  Coz I have been trying to get mine to, and every time it makes this “Westside” post with it’s paws and tries to look hard. 

Dear Sy:  “when do you know a hamster isn’t friendly”

Uncle Sy Says:  He is holding a bat and staring at you with “Come get it” eyes.  Is he screaming in his sleep?

© 2009, Sy. All rights reserved.