Lets talk about the contents of a pair of my jeans. (I mean the materials used to make them!)

They haven’t got a zipper fly, they have those annoying buttons.

And they are making my life hell.  If I don’t get arrested at some point in the next week or so and end up with some indecency criminal record, I will be amazed.

My woes started a few weeks back in Toys R Us.  You know…that shop just for kids.  So naturally, it’s full of said kids.  Small kids.  Maybe about my waist height in size.  Or to put it another way, just high enough to see anything showing that shouldn’t be, and call to Dad and say “DAD!!  THAT MAN IS SHOWING HIS MOUSE OFF!” really loudly so everyone hears.

So half way round the not exactly small shop, and after passing multitudes of small people, I have an itch.  Naturally, being a bloke, you have the luck of not being a woman and can just reach down and have a quick scratch in public.  Except when you are in the presence of children, as it looks a touch dodgy.  So with stealth, I cured my itch.

At this point, I realised every single button was open apart from the top one.   I was pretty happy that I had not gone commando, but regardless, I had to spend at least 10 seconds trying to do up the buttons without looking like I should be arrested, put in prison and being beaten by the other inmates.

So how do you do it?  You are in a shop full of kids, there are CCTV cameras everywhere and you have to look like you aren’t playing with yourself.

Awesome.  Just freaking awesome.

But luckily, I managed it without being A) banned from shopping there again and B) being seen…and beaten with a GI Joe with karate chop action by a crazed father.

After that incident, I have been sure to check on a regular basis that all bases are covered as not to get caught again.

Until tonight when I let my guard down.

I took a wander from the office to the terminal for dinner (for the uninformed, I work at an airport.)  So I get in to the lift to go up for dinner and then I notice that once again, the cage was open and the mouse was trying to escape to Mexico.

It’s OK.  I am in a lift!  No one can see me apart from the hidden CCTV camera which is probably not interested in the contents of my trousers!  And I am going up 2 floors, so plenty of time to fix my issue.

Except that in my haste, I didn’t notice it stopped the first floor up.  That’s OK, there are 3 lifts, so no one will be standing outside of the doors waiting!

The doors open.  There stands a Mum, Dad…and 3 young kids.  And I am pretty much to the untrained eye yanking my plank with a panicked look on my face.

“Hello!  Sorry, just re-arranging my trousers!” I politely said to them. 

They took the next lift.

I mean really…it’s just 5 buttons.  Why wont 4 of them stay closed?  Is it that hard?  Well, no it isn’t, but that is an issue I have to sort out, and is irrelevant to this post.  But honestly…at some point soon I feel I am going to be caught out in the worst possible way!

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