It’s no real surprise that in a recent poll, I found out that my intelligence level is that of a chemical soup short of evolution. Which explains some stuff I guess. Having a forename of Simon started it all. I only use Sy because it makes me attractive to the opposite sex. Sadly, so far the only opposite sex that has confirmed this was a goat…and I wasn’t up for it.
Having this epic fail of an intelligence means that I get confused pretty easily. Simple everyday life things for instance. Such as….
My daughter is currently teething. Nothing unusual about that, we all did it. But would someone please explain to me the reason why when a tooth is coming through, her bowel movements feel they should turn from “Yeah, that’s not pleasant to clean up!” to ”What the hell climbed in her nappy and turned itself inside out… multiplied in quantity ten times over…and decided to use a scent not smelt since last time I dipped my head in the local sewer and had a bit of a lick”?
It’s just not pretty. Nor was that image I just put in your head. Sorry.
But if that is the way it works then so be it. But what I don’t understand is why things don’t happen in reverse. By that, I don’t mean that your teeth go back in to your gums, because that’s stupid, and this blog isn’t about stupid…right?!? So what if every time I released the hounds, I got toothache? Or even a new tooth? I am pretty sure that I would never go near another curry in my life. Actually, if I pushed a tooth out every time, I think eating would be off of the menu for good.
Again, sorry for that image.
OK. If mother nature wants it like that, then whatever. But…mother nature does not control TV. So…
The TV show “Americas Biggest Loser”. I stumbled across this show while searching for Spongebob Squarepants one morning. All the contestants seemed like nice people. But complete false advertising. I could not see my ex-wife on there. Nope. So just how do they get the right to call it that when the worthless imbecile I used to be married to is not on on a show called “biggest loser”? Because honestly…when it comes to that woman, there is something seriously missing in the brain department. What’s missing? I hear you ask. Well, the actual BRAIN is what is missing. I wonder if she was banned from the show because it would be unfair to the other contestants?
But what really confuses me is that almost everyone (I say almost but I really have no idea, nor do I really care) who has met an alien says that they have weird accents. Like the case of the weird freak (the woman not the alien) who met an alien in a field late at night and said that the alien had a Scandinavian accent. Because you know, why wouldn’t he. In fact… (story HERE)
She said she met the fair-haired man with a Scandinavian-type accent as she walked her dog on a sports field.
He told her crop circles were caused by others like him who had travelled to Earth and that the purpose of his visit was friendly.
He then said he had spoken to her because he felt it was important to have contact with humans even though he had been told not to.
A fair haired Scandinavian? Wow. That’s rare. Normally they are bald with fluffy green feather tufts coming out of their ears, so this one was highly likely an alien.
So some women meets a dude who has forgotten to take his medication for I dunno…ever? And then he tells her he is an alien, and she believes him. So that is two of them that forgot the medication then.
But lets not judge. I for one believe in aliens. I believe because I have met one. It was a few years ago and I was walking through a wooded area and I met a fair haired man with a Scandinavian accent who told me he had travelled to earth.
Hang on….
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9 responses so far ↓
1 Phil T McNasty
// Mar 29, 2009 at 12:17 am
Before finding this blog, I used to pin on a fake cat tail and chase it around in a circle when I had a few minutes to waste. Now I just log here and read the latest post. It’s just as pointless, but I no longer wind up with a crick in my neck. Thank you for the time well wasted.
My understanding was that every guy on your side of the pond was either named Simon or Ian. I did not realize that Simon was the sexiest of the two. Now I do.
I’m from West Texas, where our biggest loser is George W Bush. Also, if you don’t think that teeth disappear as a person ages, I invite you back to my hometown. Now I live in Canada, where I am considered an alien with a strange accent. I have no hair.
You know what bothers me about aliens? They always land way out in the country, either in some out of the way Kansas farm, or a English wheat field if they are in the mood to do crop circles. Just once I would like to see them show up in Times Square, or maybe atop the Taj Mahal.
OK. I think I’ve properly made my comment on your blog about me, and not about you. I can go now.
Phil T McNasty’s last blog post..A cheerful personal walking tour of terrorism-scarred buildings
2 Sy
// Mar 29, 2009 at 12:25 am
What kind of fur did you use? Was it a feather duster type tail and playing was important or was the presentation more important to you?
Is it wrong that I do know quite a few Simon’s and Ians. I also know a Gerald…but we just wont go there. It opens confusion.
I will admit that Simon is indeed the sexiest one though. This is based on my own research called “Oh please God let it be true!”.
Ah yeah, I know a few places where you wonder just what the hell happened in their mouth. I have hair…in just about every part of my body except my head. Mother Nature would be in big trouble if she was a real mother.
Ahhh…now. The aliens. I compeltely agree. But do you maybe think that they cant afford the parking fee? I mean when was the last time you parked in a city center? It costs a friggin fortune. A field without a clamping sign seems a heck of a lot easier.
3 G.
// Mar 29, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Ahhh….the beauty of having a baby. So much fun to take care of.
Been there AND done that.
Twice.
Currently experiencing deja vu with my nephew, but fortunately, I’m on the perimeter since my wife is doing the bulk of the daycare.
Still, I’m strange looking enough to be able to nip any temper tantrum by him in the bud.
G.’s last blog post.."Saturday" (pg 3)
4 Menopaausloldbag (MOB)
// Mar 30, 2009 at 2:26 am
Get a peg for that nose of yours and get changing the nappies. You are clearly looking for an excuse to bail out of doing the dirty work. MMMMMM…licking sewage, what a lovely passtime….NOT! You remain as mad as ever Simon.
Menopaausloldbag (MOB)’s last blog post..Legs Akimbo LIL – the PAP test Queen….
5 Teanne
// Mar 31, 2009 at 9:52 pm
I’m curious to know what made you fall in love with your ex-wife in the first place and why you asked her to marry you. Was she always stupid or did you only find out after you married her?
No particular reason why I want to know. I’m just really nosy.
Teanne’s last blog post..Peculiar Circle of Friends
6 Sy
// Apr 1, 2009 at 7:17 am
@G – Doing it once is fun. Twice…I think I would be going for therapy. Someone else’s kids…even family…oh good god no!
@MOB – I actually have fun changing the nappies, but every so often….it’s the job of my wife. But this is for fair reason. She has no sense of smell!
@Teanne – Ummm…hmmm…without going in to a lot of detail, read “Someone died” and “rebound” and “Holy crap…what a mistake”, and you can pretty much put them together with a few additional words and you have a winner!
7 Teanne
// Apr 1, 2009 at 8:00 am
Could you check your archive link? I keep trying to open the page, but I think the link may be broken or incorrect.
Teanne’s last blog post..Peculiar Circle of Friends
8 Sy
// Apr 1, 2009 at 8:24 am
Yeah that link has always been dead. It is on my list of “I really should fix that!” but thus far….nope! I plan on adding full search functionality and a whole new theme at some point (it’s on the same list as the archive button) though, so bear with me!
9 Mrs T
// Apr 1, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Wherre did they get that picture of the alien spacecraft? Legoland?
Mrs T’s last blog post..Quick Philosophical Questions
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