I had a dream a couple of weeks ago. In it I was told that I would die last Monday. Luckily, I am still here. Unlike this site which with the updates I have done recently are leading into a slow and painful death. I may speed it up soon though. The death of the site, not the amount of posts that is.
So I told my wife of my dream who said “Can you die at work? You get quite a good payout of you die while at work don’t you!”. Well at least I knew I would be getting a knife in the heart in the middle of the night from her then!
But the conversation of my untimely demise moved on to funerals. I think she really was hoping that I was going to be gone soon! But luckily, she decided to talk about her own.
Which is good.
No, not in the “I hope she is going to die” way, but in that she plans on living a long time.
Naturally, we talked about the most important part of a funeral. No, not the “Should we have a free bar at the wake?” part, the OTHER most important part of the funeral. What to be buried/turned crispy in.
And that is about the time the conversation got a little out of control.
“I want to wear those hipster jeans I cant fit in to at the moment!” she said.
“But they don’t fit you!”
“Well, don’t bury me straight away. Give me a couple of weeks of decomposing first!”
So she wants me to leave her laying on a slab for a few weeks to “trim the edges”. I have decided that it is best that they also keep the embalming fluid to a minimum to stop the possibility of adding a few more pounds. Well, that was easy then.
But.
She also wants a tan. She has lost her nice South African tan since moving to England and has now a similar skin colour to mine. She is now a pasty milky transparent freaky “Did you see a ghost?” colour. Or British as it is also known.
“You have to take me to a tanning salon so I look good.”
She is going to be dead. Looking good? I think looking good isn’t really going to come in to the equation. But fine. I agreed.
I therefore at some point in my life will be rocking up to a beauty salon and having a few scared women paint my dead wifes toenails and then I will be sticking her in a hot place for a few minutes until cooked.
Then a few days later, I will be sticking her in an even hotter place for a few minutes.
Of course, if I have to do all this for her, I have decided it is also fair that I give her fake breasts.
Hey, she wants to look good, why not sick a pair of G cups in there too? Especially if she decides she wants to be buried. At some point in a few hundred years, they will decide to move the graveyard to build a supermarket or something and will open the box and there will be these huge breasts….and not a lot else. They can be given to the local under privileged kids to kick about as a football.
Don’t judge me. It’s called giving something back.
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12 responses so far ↓
1 Chris
// May 17, 2009 at 11:13 pm
It’s good to know that SOME people in the world are still willing to give back.
You’re a good person
2 Sy
// May 18, 2009 at 5:07 pm
I thank you! See, people think I am harsh, but I am thinking of future generations here!
3 Chris
// May 18, 2009 at 9:43 pm
You are!
People just aren’t willing to see the bigger picture anymore.
4 Luke
// May 19, 2009 at 12:37 am
If you look on the bright side at least she doesn’t want an innocent animal like her dog buried with her. That would be tricky to explain in a few hundred years.
Luke’s last blog post..A Final Thought
5 Phil T McNasty
// May 19, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Don’t forget to tell your wife you might want some small things done, by which people can remember you. Like an eternal flame, and stone monument erected in your honor, so future generations will know what a great guy you are. Perhaps you can install speakers at the monument, with a recording of you reading the articles in this blog, put on an ever playing, continuous loop for the future generations to enjoy.
Just make sure it is tasteful and modest. You wouldn’t want people to think you were on some big ego trip.
6 Cynthia
// May 20, 2009 at 10:55 am
LOVE IT!
I just want to let you know that you have a bunch of Canadian fans who hope you never stop posting!
7 Sy
// May 20, 2009 at 6:33 pm
@Chris – That is my problem. I give, they take, they never realise I was giving. Damn them all to hell.
@Luke – I dunno…when my cats die, I am having them stuffed in the hunting position. I could have one stuffed in the digging position and place it on her grave!
@Phil – I think the statue would work. Like the statue of David…but you know…bigger…in palces. I mean, if you cant look impressive in death, then what DOES a person have?! I am going to go model for my statue. It can be called “The Fat Git”.
@Cynthia – I do like my Canadian fans! And I seem to certainly have a few, which is great because I have Canadian family so it’s like one big happy family… but we dont get to spend christmas together.
8 Flying Saucer Jones
// May 21, 2009 at 12:03 am
I am disturbed by the siteicide that may happen in the future. Don’t say it’s true.
Flying Saucer Jones’s last blog post..The Awesome Power Of Zero: Redux
9 Sy
// May 21, 2009 at 7:38 am
I have just hit a time in life where my time is distributed between a new job that takes up a LOT more of my time, seeing my wife and spending my days off with Shawnee. I used to have a lot of nice quiet time at work that I could write my posts, but this has changed a little. This week I have worked 72 hours and had almost no time at all to myself, and when I did, I was letting the steam off of my brain rather than wanting to write. But we will see. The amount of posts will drop drastically for the short term at least and I will see how it goes!
10 Flying Saucer Jones
// May 21, 2009 at 7:47 am
I know what you mean, mate. Sometimes the last thing you want to do is write. A 72 hour work week would leave me comatose.
Best of luck with the juggling. We’ll take whatever snippets we can get.
Flying Saucer Jones’s last blog post..The Awesome Power Of Zero: Redux
11 Sy
// May 21, 2009 at 7:50 am
Luckily not every week is 72 hours long, but this one is, and the last thing I want to do it write a post on here!! Actually, the only thing I could possibly write about is what I do at work at the moment as I am either doing that or sleeping at the moment! Roll on 7pm on Friday…rest time!
12 curious_girl
// Jun 8, 2009 at 7:47 am
I am officially your slave! I have just recently discovered your site, and i am addicted! *must have some more.
curious_girl’s last blog post..Food Alert!!
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