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Wanted: Straight Jacket for Fairground Loving Nutter

August 11th, 2009 · No Comments

Ah yes.  Fairground rides.  Don’t you just love them? 

I mean “love them” in that “Yay!  Spinny spinny!  I am gonna vomit!  YEEEEHAAAAW!” kind of way.  Not that “oh baby…you are such a cold hard metal piece of machinery that I could just get up close and personal, marry you and then we could get it on.  Like Barry White.  Ooohhhh baaaby” kind of way.

Because honestly, that would be silly.  And impossible.   Right?

Oh dear.

In THIS news story (can you really call it news?  Maybe a mental insanity story instead?) it says how someone who is obviously not lonely or a loony (weird how those too words are so close huh!) is going to marry a fairground ride.

To quote from the story:

The mad nutter who is 33, never had a boyfriend, is the local church organist and enjoys dressing up as a hamburger and running around the tomato sauce factory shouting “Smear me…SMEAR MEEEE!!  I WANT YOUR TOMATOEY GOODESS ALL OVER ME!!!” rides the machine 300 times a year.

Can you tell what part of that previous paragraph I made up?  I will give you a clue.  It’s not the first three items on the list of things she is.

So she rides this machine 300 times a year?  I mean, I have heard of porn stars who don’t get that much action.  On telling my wife about this and that 300 times seems very fair to me, she said “Yeah, but the fairground ride probably gives her a thrill, whereas seeing you naked gives me indigestion, so there is no way that you are getting more than 4 times a year as it takes me so long to recover from the sight.”  I guess she has a point.

So anyway.  Back to Miss Mad McHatter whose real name is Amy Wolfe (who’s afraid of the big bad wolfe…well, you would be too if you found out her other half was as hard as nails.  And poles.  And pipes.  And has seats.)  She is quoted as saying (and I haven’t changed any of it this time):

I know people think it’s weird but I love him as much as women love their husbands and know we’ll be together forever.

Yes.  And I love my cat.  Even the boy one who is REALLY starting to piss me off in the middle of the night with his meowing antics.  But honestly, I have no urge in the world to marry them.  And I sure as hell don’t have sexual feelings towards them.

Hang on.  Did I say sexually attracted to it?  Yes indeed:

I was instantly attracted to him sexually and mentally. I wasn’t freaked out as it just felt so natural but I didn’t tell anyone about it because I knew it wasn’t ‘normal’ to have feelings for a fairground ride.

Which is followed by:

I tell him how much I’ve missed him and what I’ve been up to since my last visit. And I kiss the bits I can reach. The staff are really understanding.

Yeah I bet the staff are REALLY understanding.  “Stop the ride…she is tonguing the lube port again.”

So she was instantly attracted to “him”.  It’s a friggin RIDE!  It isn’t a he or a she.  And she tells him how much she has missed him since her last ride (damn he must be THAT good) and tells him what she has been doing since the last visit.  I guess she uses the same words for that bit which are probably something like:

“Yes, I have been back to the mad house where I took the blue pills, dribbled obsessively and made noises like a cow before bedtime.  But because of good behaviour as I haven’t bitten the warder since that incident, I am allowed back out for the weekend”. 

The ride obviously replies with “Bzzzz…shhvvvv…*crank*” and all the other noises a soul-less piece of machinery would make.

Did I mention she rides him up to 30 times each visit?  I mean I have a recovery time like every other guy…but unless each visit is 20 days at a time, there is no way I can keep up with that.  Maybe fairground rides are the love penguins we men should be scared of.


In 100% unrelated news, I cleverly stupidly signed up to do a 10k charity run.  In 8 weeks time.  And the last time I put my running shoes on was 5 years ago.  So the next 8 weeks are going to hurt like hell.  BUT.  It is for charity.  For cancer research.  And there is even a site you can donate money to which goes directly to them rather than in to my pocket.  If anyone wants to donate, email me at and I will give you the URL to donate on.  Go on.  Be nice.  If some of you do, I will put up pictures of the before, during and crashed on the floor having resuscitation about 400m after I cross the start line.

© 2009, Sy. All rights reserved.


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