I am having relationship trouble.
Things started off so well. In the beginning there was a mutual love. That love turned in to respect. Then, over time, I am pretty sure things are turning more “alpha male” which is causing a little issue in the house.
No, my wife has not turned in to a man. I am talking about one of the cats. The boy cat. The smart little shit who needs to have a think about changing his ways before I change my shoe size and turn him in to cream.
Just recently, he has decided that my pillow is the comfiest place to sleep. Now, most cats curl up on the bed. But he does it while I am laying on the pillow trying to sleep. It generally ends up in my snorting cat hair all night and hoping he hasn’t wiped his arse as he had an itch. That’s fine…you know, in a “He better not have rubbed his arse on my pillow” way. Annoying but fine. Well, until I get pink eye…and then there will be blood.
Except.
I woke up a couple of days ago to this horrendous noise. It was about 2am and there was a noise like someone sucking on a gobstopper while drinking a can of coke and chewing on a steak. It wasn’t pretty.
I turned around to see where the noise was coming from, and there is the boy. Sat on my pillow right next to my head, legs wide open and licking himself. And I don’t mean on the paws. Right in my face was a cat’s penis and him vigorously…well…I dunno…cleaning himself or getting his dues for the yoga lessons he must have been taking recently?
I used the phrase “Get the eff of my pillow you little shit!” and employed a general throwing action that for a second made him think he could fly. Normally a cat would then think “Whoops…” but he is stupid. So he climbs straight back up, plonks himself down on my pillow and continues to pleasure himself. I gave an encouraging “Please don’t!” in the form of a throw that made him think he was no longer a bird, but now a plane. This seemed to to the trick.
For a couple of minutes.
When he decided that now he had “finished”, he needed a cuddle. I mean….he is a male right? I know I had his joy department removed and all that, but he still has the twig even if the giggleberries are in a hazardous materials bin in some vet’s office.
He climbs back on the bed, wanders over to me and lays down beside me. On his side. About half way down my my body.
I am now spooning with my cat. And he is purring like mad in enjoyment.
It is more than likely that Littleous Gitteous was asleep all day as he decided that it wasn’t time to sleep. So after a short spooning session in which I felt my naked body and his tail WAY too close to my body, he got up and decided that he would bug me a little more.
He climbs on to my chest and turns around. Sticking his arse right in my face, he starts to do that kneading thing they do. Claws out and tearing my stomach apart. Then, without warning, decides to bit me.
Down there.
He spent the rest of the night outside in the cold ”thinking” about the error of his ways.
Share on Facebook
12 responses so far ↓
1 Mum
// Oct 14, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Brilliant…..I still havent stopped laughing:-)
2 Mrs T
// Oct 15, 2009 at 10:19 am
Ha, ha, ha. You cheered me up no end:)) Although some folks wouldn’t complain about sponing with a pussy:))
Mrs T´s last blog ..School Photographs.. Don’t You Just Love ‘em!
3 Linnnn
// Oct 15, 2009 at 5:03 pm
You must see this then! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ffwDYo00Q
Linnnn´s last blog ..Mr. Sadistic Public School Bus Driver
4 Sy
// Oct 15, 2009 at 6:52 pm
@Mrs T – There is a subtle…and much more fun difference between kitty and…
@Linnnn…Holy crap…it is ME! It’s even my first name…and exactly what the little shit does. Well, without the bat.
5 Alex Jenson
// Oct 15, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Very graphic and amusing. Reminds me of my own cat , now dead, he had the same habits. I once left a video camera running by accident in my bedroom….he was captured on camera waking up my other cat forcibly, before proceeding to go to sleep in the exact same spot she had been sleeping. Life is brutal.
Alex Jenson´s last blog ..ALL CLEAR: FeedMedic Alert for YouCanWinTheSerotoninGrandPrix
6 Sy
// Oct 16, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Hey Alex! That sounds about right! I have 3. The mother and the kids. She tolerates them…until they come in the house and then she generally abuses the hell out of them!
I hope that if you decide to replace your cat, the new one doesnt abuse you until he can sleep where you do! Or maybe hopefully he does, and I am not in this alone!
7 Tami
// Oct 17, 2009 at 1:05 am
Just one comment…um….EWWWWW!!
Tami´s last blog ..Common Cold Remedies, part 2
8 Flying Saucer Jones
// Oct 17, 2009 at 7:39 am
Ah cats. Mine is still plotting my demise. She almost got me this morning – her walk in front of me was only slightly mistimed.
Flying Saucer Jones´s last blog ..‘Tis the Season To Be Sneezing
9 Sy
// Oct 17, 2009 at 6:23 pm
@Tami – Yup! Thats the one! I tell ya…I will be selling Cat Stew soon!
@Mr Jones – I swear they make it look like they arent doing it on purpose, but they have that look in their eye. It is evil!
10 seohamster
// Oct 24, 2009 at 8:08 pm
great site!
11 Mikiye Creations
// Nov 1, 2009 at 5:22 am
Yeah, when my cat was little (could fit in your hand little) he would sleep right next to my ear on my pillow…then he grew up and well, at 12 pounds it just wasn’t so cute anymore when he would pretty much try to lay on my head as we tried to fight over pillow space. I eventually banned him to the bottom of the bed. Also, I would get all grossed out when the “cleaning” by my face would start…and he was born with MAJOR kitty halitosis! The vet said because he was a stray…I smell him before I see him.
Mikiye Creations´s last blog ..SPOTLIGHT: thesoapseduction
12 Mikiye Creations
// Nov 1, 2009 at 5:23 am
Oh yeah, he somehow always managed to jump while getting up or off the bed on my Ex’s..well, you know.
It was amazing how random that ALWAYS was?!
Mikiye Creations´s last blog ..SPOTLIGHT: thesoapseduction
Leave a Comment