Well. Here we are. 2010.
Yeah that is enough about that. Lets be honest. It is a new year, but what has changed? My underwear sure hasn’t. Yeah sure, the itching it starting to get a little annoying like last year, but it will pass.
Instead of talking about what may be ahead, I need your help. I lost something. Two things actually. One minute they were there, and then bang. Gone. No note, no goodbye…not even a forwarding address. So where the hell have they gone?
It started a few days ago. It was a little cold outside. Minus 4. Not what you call warm. Unless you are an Eskimo. Or confused. Or just plain stupid. I am not gonna put that past some of you. Especially you. Yeah, you know who you are. Weirdo.
But anyway. It was on the cold side but with the fear of snow (and in this country, that means doom. Nothing good comes of it. The country stops, and I still haven’t worked out why the yellow snow tastes different to the white stuff), I decided I should do as many runs as I can before a week of ice lands and my training schedule matches my mental intellect. So severely lacking then. So I went out for a 2 hour run.
It was during this time that they went. They were there when I walked out of my door, but when I got back…gone.
You would have thought that I would have noticed them leaving, but it was pretty cold. I first noticed they were gone when I got back, wiped the ice from my face and said to my wife “Flong thruy herv a flask”. It seemed my facial muscles had frozen from the cold. What I mean to say was “Going to have a bath”. So off I went. Waiting for the bath to run, I slowly and sexily stripped off my clothes in front of the mirror admiring myself while winking and playing peekaboo with my underwear I decided I had a few minutes to kill, so I should probably give myself a good scratch. You blokes know what I mean. You women don’t get it. Or maybe you do? And you do the same? And you know…that has not created as nice an image in my head as I had hoped when I said that! If I was to walk in to the bathroom and see my wife having a good scratch, I probably wouldn’t say “Heeeeey baby!!” but would be more inclined to say “Hey, the supermarket is open 24 hours…want me to go get something for that?” and then sleep in the spare room that night through fear of catching whatever I have imagined she has.
But I am getting away from the story here. So. Back to my manly scratching. I reached down…and they were gone. And little Syhad shrunk, which scared the hell out of me…I mean hell, when there ain’t much there, the last thing you want is to realise that you lost 50% more.
Yup, I had regressed to pre puberty. I coughed. Nothing. I gagged myself to get a little more coughing power. Nothing. I tugged…well, we wont mention that. Where the heck have they gone? I had a bath…nothing. I am quietly confident that they have headed north rather than packed their bags, but I cant count that out. My voice is now more Mickey Mouse than the uber handsome man that I misguidedly imagine I am and when I talk to girls, I fumble my words, sweat profusely and come across like a complete dick. So. Nothing new there then.
But I am concerned for their wellbeing. So if you were to say be sitting on a beach and a very handsome pair of testicles are sitting there drinking pina coladas…well…they aint mine. Mine will be ugly, sweaty and drinking some higher than average alcohol content beer while leering at everyone near them. So if you see them..drop me a line. There is a reward and a pack of jelly babies in it for you!
12 responses so far ↓
1 Flying Saucer Jones
// Jan 8, 2010 at 3:02 am
I think I spotted them while I was searching for Waldo. Couldn’t be sure because they were partially obscured by the squirrel.
Flying Saucer Jones´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Master Builder
2 drFaust
// Jan 8, 2010 at 9:34 am
I think you may need to get in contact with lance armstrong to find out where he got his prosthetic onion from.
I mean what the fark do you fondle with when watching sports on the couch?
3 Stanley
// Jan 8, 2010 at 11:42 am
Typical that such an affliction should strike on the back of what seems to be a dip in cold-call emails from genital surgeons.
I’ll keep my eyes peeled for them. What names do they answer to?
Stanley´s last blog ..Just smile and nod. Always just smile and nod. You are NOT James Bond.
4 Mrs T
// Jan 8, 2010 at 5:51 pm
Oh My God… I think I peeled them just after I did the carrots…..
Mrs T´s last blog ..The Man with Dark Glasses and The Man with No Name; A Tale of Embarrassing Ineptitude.
5 Kelly
// Jan 10, 2010 at 5:02 am
Are you not seriously saying that your nuts have withdrawn. What a calamity, sir! And to think, I have only suffered the malady of having one testicle the size of a granny apple for four years or more. BTW, Are you still able to spread seed with your freakish nubbies?
Funny story there, Mr Sy. Nearly peed myself. Nearly. Not to worry.
And yes, I’m freakin’ back! Stop over to the site, if it pleases you, Master, for some tales of my personal hell in my December posts and beyond. I have changed with a vengeance. Good and for some…. bad. And…. I’ve missed you. Hope you’re doing well– for really real, ol’ chap.
Hello Mrs T, hope all has been well thus far.
Kelly´s last blog ..Discovery of Habitable Planet
6 Tami
// Jan 10, 2010 at 6:54 pm
ROFL! Ah, a much needed laugh today.
Mrs. T….ewwww! Get that image out of my head.
Hi, Kelly! You old fart, you…what’s up?
Tami´s last blog ..Empathy and Sympathy. What’s the difference?
7 Mrs T
// Jan 10, 2010 at 7:19 pm
Hello Kelly, all is well in Turley land. Although I nearly choked on those “new potatoes”….
Tami; sorry about that. I blame Sy:) I expect he’s out running again tonight…probably in bathroom panicking as I type….
Mrs T´s last blog ..The Man with Dark Glasses and The Man with No Name; A Tale of Embarrassing Ineptitude.
8 Sy
// Jan 11, 2010 at 4:45 am
Ah yes. Nothing like not getting a chance to reply to comments. Right! Heeeere we go!
@Flying Saucer Jones – NOOOO!! Not the squirrel! Ah man. Was it a grey squirrel? Fluffy tail? Bit of an arse? Steals peoples nuts and abuses them? Crap….
@DrFaust – I have been spending my days on the couch playing with a couple of hard boild quail eggs. It’s not the same, but you have to at least feel like you are getting somewhere.
@Stanley – I named them Bert and Ernie, but to be honest, they were always moaning and wanting to be called KP and Nobby. But try both names…they will come running! They must be hungry by now!
@Mrs T – Hmmm…you peeled them? They had a hard outer shell…I have a feeling you may have just peeled a couple of hemorrhoids I lost the other day during a particulary bad straining session. I gotta stop eating at work!
@Kelly – Dude! A very long time no see! I am still able to seed I believe. Once I have found them, I will reattach them and get very much involved. My palm is feeling very left out recently!! I will drop by the site and take a look at your recent goodies!
@Tami – I am happy that you are disgusted by the idea of Mrs T peeling my…well…I cant even say it. I have tried getting her banned from the site for language like that…but I like her, so she ends up staying.
@Mrs T (again!) – I have indeed been out running…and erm….yeah they still arent back. I miss them. it is quite emotional!!
9 Sleek
// Jan 12, 2010 at 10:04 am
being a guy, and a very straight one at that, I can’t even start to imagine that stuff painted at the end…I’ll keep it that way
10 Phil T McNasty
// Jan 15, 2010 at 12:52 pm
Sy,
I was only able to get through the first two paragraphs because my scorching case of ADD is acting up again. I’ll leave a better comment if I get my ritalin prescription filled, or if someone tells me the general gist of what you wrote.
11 Sy
// Jan 16, 2010 at 9:54 am
Phil, I have a good pile of ritaln that I bought from an online retailer. They blast out mails all over the place to any email address, so you know they are legit. The only problem is, apart from leaving the ADD very much intact, you walk around tenting all friggin day.
As for what I wrote…mate…I honestly dont know!! It falls from my brain on to the page and then it all goes to hell.
12 Kelly
// Jan 19, 2010 at 7:23 pm
I know I’m terribly late in responding, Tami, but I’m alright. Better than alright. I’ve changed course, dug myself out of an emotional well and I’m going on a caribbean cruise. Hope you’re doing well.
Kelly´s last blog ..Electronics Are Evil
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