Men…women lie to us.  Yes I know.  I was as just as surprised as you are when I found out. 

Now I have your attention, I shall tell you what they have been lying about.  This time.

You know how women always say “Wow, you are SO crap in bed!  The last time I was that uncomfortable, the doctor was taking one of my teeth out without the aid of anesthetic or the correct tools!”.  They do say that to you; right?  It isn’t just me?  Surely they all use the dentist line on all men?  Anyway…  today I read that researchers have confirmed that the G Spot does NOT exist. 

I knew it.  I just bloody knew it.  I knew I couldn’t possibly be THAT bad in the sack, and it was the woman’s fault for not finding me attractive rather than my uncomfortable fumbling that seems to make them use the words “I feel dirty” or “I cant wait until the pool boy comes back” or “come near me again and I call the police”.  Why would they say it exists if it doesn’t?  That is the typical example of dangling a carrot knowing it will never happen (or the company I work for promising a payrise is another way of saying it).  I once spent a good 4 minutes looking for the G Spot.  Granted, looking in my CD collection seemed to annoy her a little.  But now I know it is all one big lie, I don’t feel guilty anymore.

I could just go on about the lie that women feed us, but I will just get depressed, so if you get the urge, the news story is HERE.

But in a directly related in fairly no way whatsoever kind of way, it is things like this that lead to some people having to take things a little   further in life which leads to getting arrested.  And no, for once, it wasn’t me.  It was this unbelievably good looking chap:

Easy ladies…although I do not know if he is married, some of you are, and I cannot have your marriages destroyed when your husband catches you drooling over…well…I don’t know.  What is he?  He isn’t a man.  Nor a woman.  He seems to be part lemon peel and part Chippendale.  And by Chippendale, I mean Chip and Dale the chipmunks.  OK, so I know it is rude to talk about how ugly someone is, and I myself am not what you would call devastatingly good looking (or maybe you would…call me! *wink*) but what the hell happened to the top of his head?  His ears are at waist height and look like they have been drawn on.  It also looks like he had a sex game with an industrial strength vacuum and the top of his head came off worst.  I just don’t understand how he was allowed out in the daytime when there are children around.  Think of all the lost sleep through nightmares.

So naturally, he would be the ex-mayor of one of our county towns.

Oh, and he likes to break in to your house and steal your underwear.  You can decide what he does with them once he has them.  (hint:  You wouldn’t want to wear them when he has finished.)

He stole from a lot of women, which lead one woman to put a hidden camera in her bedroom to see if she could catch who was doing it.  I also know this woman and didn’t know anything about the camera, so expect my sex tape to be unleashed to the world any time soon.  Damn her.  Had I known, I would have got a production team in.  And shaved my arse.  I won’t lie.  If you buy the video, or steal it from some P2P site…it had been cold.  I didn’t have time to go leaving my bare arse in the open to shave it.  And my back isn’t always that hairy…I was growing it for a film part.  And the woman prefers it when sex is over in 48 seconds and that the man makes noises like a distressed seal.  So you know…don’t judge me too harshly.  OK?

The moral of todays post?   Watching kids TV while trying to write a post reeeeally doesn’t bring out my best side.

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