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Take as long as you want. No not that long. Done already? Why did we bother?

January 10th, 2012 · No Comments

I am not the greatest conversationalist in the world.  I have a habit of finding that line that you do not cross….and then taking a running jump and seeing just how far over I can get.  Then I will try again. I then manage to keep trying unabatedly until I realise I am the only person left in the room and don’t get invited to sleepovers anymore.
 
Other times I manage to steer a conversation in a direction that it didn’t need to go in and somewhat hijack the conversation for my own selfish needs.
 
And others I manage to turn a conversation about why a girl I know hates it when a guy keeps at it all night like a rampant sloth…and she only wants 20 minutes and a good nights kip.
 
It started with this post:  http://livingaloneinyourthirties.blogspot.com/2012/01/all-night-long.html (unashamed plug for a fellow blogger and friend) and then she posted it on her Facebook wall for people to read.  And then I felt the need to comment on her FB wall about it.  Shortly after, I was comparing her nocturnal activities with a gentleman to what he does at the gym….and the fact he probably thinks she is a protein shake. 
 
And you know, you take your time with a protein shake.  Too fast and you will probably end up constipated.  Nobody wants that. I get accused of being full of sh*t frequently enough as it is.
 
OK, I am not saying that him spending all night at it with her will make him constipated, you read that the wrong way.  But you don’t buy a gobstopper because you want to eat a quick snack.
 
She mentioned that her question is “Why do men think it’s hot to go all night, surely just going with the flow is best?  Going with the moment”
 
I’ll be honest, if I went with the moment too often I would be arrested.  Probably divorced too.  What if I saw a garden gate and thought “Hey baybeeee…” and got all carpe diem about it.  I would guess she maybe meant something other than inanimate objects and likely didn’t really consider the bounds of decency while asking that question. 
 
But I had to wonder…what is an acceptable amount of time that a man must make uncomfortable grunting noises, flex his proverbial muscle and be all caveman about it?  And I don’t mean smack her on the head and drag her to the bedroom…trust me…that does NOT go down as well as you may think.  Suuuure….you think it is funny and she will see the funny side when she comes around, but my wife was LIVID.  I think mostly because had I said “Me.  You.  Squidgy squidgy time?” she was likely to say yes.  But instead I decided I knew best and she now she has a fat sweaty man on her…and a headache.  And a phone number of a divorce lawyer.
 
Back to the conversation on the FB comment thread though.  A few comments later I managed to compare her nightly sessions to gardening.  She was talking about how it is not right for a man to be all King Kong and climb a building.  OK, she wasn’t…but…same thing.  Climbing a building takes time and if you wanna take a girl to the heavens…it takes time apparently.  I wouldn’t know.  I got my wife to the 2nd floor once, but I wont lie, I had to use an escalator.
 
The more I thought about it, the more I realised that gardening is like sex.  I spent some time in the garden this summer.  Not a lot.  Enough that I thought “Yeah, wifey will think that it is an acceptable amount of time and now I can go back inside and have a nap saying that all the being in the sun wore me out”.  Except that her comment about time to completed workload comparison went more like “You could have done this and that and this….but decided to come in too early and now you are napping”.  But if I had gone out there, smashed a few bits around and then came back in saying “That’ll do!  Maybe I will do more later!” she would give me grief saying “What were you doing?  Why did you bother?  Later?  I will do it myself now instead.”  
 
So what is an acceptable amount of time that I should spend in the garden?  I don’t understand.  The female brain is too confusing.  Us menfolk need a friggin clock or something that the woman can set an alarm on so we know when whatever task we are doing has been done for an appropriate amount of time.  And we cant snooze. 
 
But I never complain if my wife decides to take all day to clean the entire house or only a few minutes.  I am good like that. 
 
So.  Women.  Remember, the next time a man takes “too long” in the garden, be happy.  He could arrange a couple of pot plants a little differently and then bugger off to watch the footie on the telly leaving you thoroughly unsatisfied with the state of the garden.

© 2012, Sy. All rights reserved.

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Tags: General Madness