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Tazers and Concrete Flossing…It’s Just A Normal Day

January 24th, 2012 · No Comments

A couple of weeks ago there was a slight accident at my house.  By “slight accident” I mean some degenerate idiot managed to lob a chunk of concrete at the window and it smashed.  Sadly I wasn’t home as otherwise I would have got to enjoy having a criminal record from what happened when I caught whoever did it.  “What happened when I caught it” may or may not have included taking said chunk of concrete (about 10cm in length), tying string to both ends.  One end out of its mouth.  The other out of its backside.  Begin flossing.  Continue until concrete has worn down to size of a very very small molecule.  Find another piece of concrete. Repeat until bored.
Due to the insurance company being as useful as a multipack of sugary sweets to a very diabetic person having quite a diabetic day, I had to call the police and lodge a “oh gosh…some naughty children have been bad.  Come get em…please!  Yes I know it happened some point in the last 24 hours and the chances of you catching them as about on par with me catching Usain Bolt….while I am wearing iron trousers and have just been given a particularly nasty enema…but just give me a crime ref number so I can get the idiot at the insurance company to come do something about the window.”
In return for them giving me a crime ref number they passed my details on to “Victim Support” whose tagline is “We are here to help”.  Really?  With what?  Somebody else fixed the window.  I ironed my own clothes the following day.  Only 6 people have ever changed my daughters nappy…and they weren’t one of them.  Can they help me win the lottery?  Help me become attractive to my wife?  Stop the spam I get in my email inbox? No.  So what the feck do they do? 
They also sent a letter saying “If you don’t want us to contact you, please get in contact.”.  This was on a piece of headed paper.  Without a phone number.  And in the signature…there was no number.  It is OK, lets check for the existence of an email addre……oh…yeah nothing on there.  I didn’t mind, I wasn’t expecting to ever see them short of the weird look they give you me when I am out on a run late at night.  “He looks shifty…we should check him out”.  Things I have when running:  Running shoes.  Shorts.  Tee.  Watch.  Things I don’t have when running:  All black clothes, balaclava, sledge hammer.  Book called Idiots guide to burglary.  Seriously guys…it is OK, just out for a run!
And then they (policey McPlod) decided to send me an email with some questions.  All the classics you expect on a greatest hits of the 80s mixtape such as “Do we think we were targeted”, “Has this issue affected my day to day routine”  – No, I often come home early to let someone in the house to put new glass in the window! and then we got to “Other details” question.  My time to shine.  My time to show I am a valuable member of the community whose superpowers can be used for the good rather than for the changing of TV channels.
So I asked:
What are Sussex Police thoughts on letting me have a tazer?  I could vigilante the streets tazering old people and young kids to make sure it is not looked at as being bias towards gangs of kids.  No?  Fine.   But you understand I had to check. 
I figured showing that being an indiscriminate tazer user and my willingness to take down the pesky young and pointless old, I could clear up the mean streets where I live and make it a better place.  I sent that email at 13:49 on Saturday 14th.
At 21:20 on Saturday 14th, myself and el wifeo were having a little drinky at the dinner table and the doorbell rings. Walking to the door I say to my wife…who is still in the kitchen “Who the bloody hell….it is night time.  Who the hell is calling at thi….oh…it is the police.”
“Hi, we got your crime report and thought we would come around to meet you.”
Ah crap.
After a lengthy discussion, they STILL wont let me have a tazer.  I also think I may be on a “watch list”. 

© 2012, Sy. All rights reserved.


Tags: General Madness