Well.  Here is a turn of events I wasn’t expecting.

There I was, minding my own business last night, mucking about with Elmee the bunny.  When she grabbed my hand, had a little nibble….and started to hump my arm.

I thought Elmee was a girl.

Maybe Elmee is a girl.  According to Google, the little fluffpots will hump anything regardless of gender.  Shortly after I found out first hand.  Seriously…none of you have/had a bunny and thought of giving me a heads up on this?

As I sat, minding my own business, Miss Humps-a-lot bouncing about the room, I heard a squeaking noise.

No, she wasnt shagging a mouse. 

But the poor balloon that she was going to town on took one hell of a beating.  Actually, she popped it.  How do I explain that to my daughters?

“Daddy…what happened to my balloon?”

“Oh, Elmee shagged it to death.  *pause* Why are you crying?”

I just don’t think I can say that.  The room has since been removed of any soft toys.  I have started to wear plastic around my legs in case I get a case of really bad man-pregnancy.  OK, so I don’t know if that is possible, and certainly not via the human vs bunny reproduction method.  And I was not once a woman who went through the change.  No, not THAT change.  I am only 37.  Be nice.

But I now cant bring myself to check if Elmee is actually Elmer.  I got used to saying “her”.  We groom each other.  My wife is already quite jealous of the time we spend together.  What if we now find out she is a boy and I spend my time with a boy grooming each other.

Geez.  All this talking of grooming, I am expecting to get arrested.  Even more when I write the next several words:

I mean, she is 5 months old, so must be reaching sexual maturity. (Dear Mr Internet policeman.  I am not grooming a child.  Nor a bunny.  Nor….you know what…I am not grooming anyone/thing.  Not even myself.  I am an unshaven mess today.  Go eat a doughnut or whatever you do.)  So what happens now?  I am scared to ask Google as it keeps reminding me of previous searches such as:

Can I buy a condom for my leg

Bunny keeps humping me and I secretly enjoy it

I love long fluffy ears

Is it illegal to play with her tail…you know…that way.

When will it snow enough that I can skive off of work

I have even gone as far as to investigating the possibility of getting a blow up sex doll for her/him, except Google messed me about and decided instead of putting “Can I get a blow-up sex doll for my rabbit”, it changed it to “Did you mean:  You are a dirty little sod who wants to bang Big Bertha the Blow Up Bunny”.   So I don’t know.

Why do bunnies have to be so difficult?  “Is that a dog or a bitch?” “What?  Look…look at those huge balls hanging there.  Obviously a boy.”  Cows have udders.  Chickens lay eggs.  Blokes…even with manboobs…well, you can still tell. 

Why do rabbits have to hide what they have and even then, according to a page I read which had nothing to do with beastiality, you have to do it a certain way to be able to tell.  What is that about? And you know, I just don’t want to do it.

So for now, I will leave her to hump me.  Because I am the closest thing she has to a family member and it is only fair to keep it in the family.

I should probably reword that last line.

© 2013, Sy. All rights reserved.