Well. It seems that after the previous post written by the guest blogger of my rabbit, one of my cats has decided she wants to get in on the action. Some facts on her:
Her name is Charlie.
She is small black cat.
She was around before my daughters were born.
She got knocked up quite young and lives with 2 of her children. We sold the other 2 for no profit as they didn’t understand that “Buy one, get one free” didn’t mean “Take two, don’t pay a penny”.
She hates most things. Especially her daughter and the bunny. I have issues with how close she is to her son.
So. I will pass you over to Charlie. I warn you…she can be a little touchy.
It is my time to shine.
I want to tell you a story of love. Of Friendship. Of ultimate betrayal.
You know, I am pretty sure that white fluffy bastard who wrote the post before me wrote that exact line. God I hate that rabbit.
Anyway. My story. Let me take you back to a time when things were so much simpler.
It used to be me and my 2 pets. “Humans” if you will. They would feed me while I went out and played all day and night. The boy pet who refers to himself as “Sy” which I can only assume is short for something offensive judging by his smell, well, he was my favourite. I loved him. We spent so long together. During the day when I made him leave the house to go to work, I would have a kip on his pillow. I would leave him hair on it so he knew it was me because I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him. My other pet, the girl one, got on very well with Sy. They did some weeeeird stuff in bed at night which I kinda don’t understand. We always had fun. One night while they were doing it I sneaked up and licked his bum. Should have seen him jump! Good times.
Then one day it all changed. I went through a rocky patch and got myself up the duff. The birth of my children was a torrid affair. Unhappy with having to do all the work and eating 4 placentas (I had a big meal before I went in to labour. This made things a lot harder for me. You try eating 4 sodding great steaks in a row!) by the time the 4th one came out, I got bored and left my male pet to break the little sack that the annoying uninvited sod was in.
They got rid of two of them and kept two. That is where the trouble started. I don’t see why I need to share the love. And then…inexplicably…one of my pets got pregnant. My share of the pie went from 100% to 25% in no time at all. I vowed vengeance on them. My mighty sword of righteous justice would crush them.
Then they had another. So it was me, my two children, my 2 pets and their children. My share went down to….erm…carry the 4, add the 1, remove the….*cough*…sorry, hairball. Where was I?
One day I came home, wandered in…my pet made me run away. Wouldn’t let me in the kitchen. Then I spied it. The white fluffy red eyed idiot (or one of my pets as I call him) had bought something new in to the house. It was white, fluffy, had red eyes…to be honest it was kinda cute, but I refused to accept her in to the house. I had the odd pop or two at it but my pets took issue with this. I am like a coiled spring now. When they aren’t in the room, I can often get a great swipe at that long eat git. Got caught out the other day…white fur on my paw…when you are completely black, it turns out they noticed. Even my look of “huh? What? This? This isn’t rabbit fur…it is cocaine!” didn’t work.
All I did was to love them. I brought my pets so many presents. Do you ever see them hunt down a bird, bite its head off, wander in to the kitchen with it, drop it on the floor and give a look of “Ave it! What ya think of THAT then!”? No they don’t. And when I do, they go friggin NUTS.
I have taken to waiting until they go to bed at night now and I make this pathetic crying noise. Like I am looking for them. Drives them nuts. Sometimes I bring a ball in too. Bat it about as it rattles like mad. Make the crying noise. Wait til I hear them get out of bed and then I leg it.
I have also taken to helping them out with the washing. Well, the post-wash washing. Nice comfy pile. I can have a great scratch while sat on that. Give them some hairs to wear. Ungrateful b’stards never say thank you either.
Anyway, you are boring me now, I have things to do. You know, lick myself. Clean myself and have a damn good nap. Leave me be.
© 2013, Sy. All rights reserved.